The Tunnel by Jamie Trouncelle - Short, Horror - A young woman is stopped by a man in a dark and secluded tunnel. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Love the title page.


MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW...



Jamie, this has a great horror vibe. I loved the moment where he says:
Can I help you? That'd be a great jump-scare moment after her droll comment.

Sam appears not too bright. She strolls into the tunnel?
And after seeing blood on the wall isn't fazed?

Be aware to stay present tense with your writing.
He hands over the bag. Kneeled down. Kneels down.

A MAN, late 20's, dressed seemly perfect - a suit and tie.
Briefcase to the side, appears behind her.
Delete 'seemly perfect' no need for it and grammar wise it's not great. A well-dressed MAN in suit and tie...

What is in tack?
Do you mean intact?

RIP alone and on a separate line pulled me up. If you mean that to be the sound of the bag tearing I'd be a bit more descriptive. This just looked like a Rest in Peace abbreviation.

I'd like to know who the handsome
man is that just saved me from
going back to the store.
I'd rewrite this 'flirting' dialogue so it sounds more natural.

A groan starts to emerge from his throat. Almost like a
bloodhound.
Be careful of saying 'starts' and 'almost like' as a comparison. Just write what we hear, what it does sound like - a primal guttural sound from his throat, perhaps?

The tunnel exit in
near sight.
Perhaps describe the light shining in from the tunnel exit?
Or keep it simple - the tunnel exit in sight.

Watch extraneous words:
She forces out a smile.
She forces a smile.

I'm a bit mystified at the end - she breaks free, but then the next line is him pulling and dragging her.

I like this a lot, but have some reservations regarding the effectiveness of it. You've created a horror, like I said, with a great feeling of dread. If it were me though I'd tweak it. You have the horror tropes down pat, but nothing really happens that we don't expect to happen. Not too bright woman walks into a tunnel that has a reputation for some homicidal maniac lurking... And then he kills her. End of story. You need more. For one thing have there be no other choice but for her to take the short cut through that tunnel.

I like that her friend is on the phone with her. Give him a name. Add another level to that character by making him the husband, and then give us an unexpected twist.

Enjoyable, despite my reservations, just flesh it out more. Lil horror pun there.

As per LC's comments that are correct. It's a good story - you have a good voice - Learn more about the "art"/ "rules" of correct screenplay writing format. All the best. Keep writing - keep writing... it only gets better.

THE TUNNEL

Hey Jamie,

Much of my thoughts run parallel to Libby's.
The tunnel is a great location for danger, but it comes with a built-in set of warning signs.
What is Sam's reason for traveling the tunnel?  At night?
The tunnel is a literal trap with only two exits.
Surely, Sam is aware that women have lost their lives in the tunnel, since it seems to be within walking distance of her home.
Sam lack common sense any regard for her safety. She talking on her cell instead of paying attention to her surroundings and carries no means of protection — pepper spray, pocket knife, safety alarm...

I'm curious to know how you plan to (or care to) fix the holes, because if you do so with care and logic, the great twist ending is almost in plain sight — so I think.
Creatively that's what is missing. Your story is too by-the-numbers at this point, but with some fixes and a better ending, I am positive your short will be snapped up in a heart beat.

I like your style and think you have something good here. Let's see if you want to take it to the next level.