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Diner of Wishes by Devin Clarke - Short, Horror - "Diner of Wishes" is a poignant and mystical drama where Bill, a troubled man, stumbles upon a mysterious cooler that can grant wishes but demands a life for each one. As he grapples with his desires and the consequences of his actions, he learns the true power of belief and the importance of cherishing every moment with loved ones. Filled with unexpected twists and emotional depth, the story explores themes of hope, sacrifice, and the magic of the human heart. 10 pages - pdf format
No thoughts? That's too bad. I had a lot of fun writing this. It was in 2 days for a film competition that has a predefined location where you are asked to write a horror script under 10 pages. And that day my buddy was returning the cooler he borrowed. That was the genesis of 'Diner of Wishes'. Hope people enjoy it.
Reading this, I liked the story you were trying to tell. It had good foundations and a lotta heart to it.
Though, I had a problem with the read -- I feel you're massively over writing here. Kinda stretching your writing chops when you really don't need to, case in point --
"Around him, patrons engage in lively conversations, A small families laughter blending with the soft hum of the jukebox in the background. The clinking of cutlery against plates creates a symphony of familiar sounds."
None the above needs to be in it. It doesn't help or push your story forward in any way, and the reader already knows what a busy restaurant sounds like.
I can see there's a creative edge to your writing which will bode well for you if you use it at the right times - maybe in describing a character or perhaps a distinct location - but really try to keep your general story telling as simply and concise as possible as it makes things a lot easier for the reader - and let those dialogue passages flow a bit more too.
Sorry if this comes across as negative, I think if you address it, you could come up with some really enjoyable stories.
You should think about editing your descriptive passages. While a lot of your passages evoke the setting very nicely, you have quite a bit of extraneous repetition and asides (I quite like a few asides, but don't overdo it) and you also tend to write the 'feelings' characters are expressing by telling us instead of 'showing' us.
There are some refinements that would improve your structure. Your opening descriptions of the diner for example, which come and go should all be incorporated at the top.
Write a new para to intro BILL. It's a new shot.
At a corner booth BILL DOUGLAS, (give us an exact age), sits
Your use of parentheticals is overdone.
Forging a bond etc. You need to show this bond forming not write it as a novel passage. Same with the 'shared stories' bit below.
As the transition from day to night unfolds, the diner becomes a haven of shared stories and newfound hope, fueled by the unlikely friendship between Bill and Vin.
Also, the transition is not needed or correctly formatted. The change in the Slugline will indicate NIGHT and perhaps a descriptive sentence about the shadows lengthening, people coming and going etc.
VIN (revealing) (no need for this parenthetical) Legend has it that they had the power to grant wishes. Pure, heartfelt wishes. Unfortunately they were all slaughtered. But something strange and magical happened, their blood seeped out onto this cooler of all places. And now it has the same ability. Just imagine... all you had to do was wish for something, and it would be granted.
Too long imho. Stop at wishes, heartfelt is not needed. How were they slaughtered? It's a bit glib the way that part of the legend is glossed over, and a throwaway that description.
A cooler? I know that was one of your parameters but perhaps it's what's inside the cooler that is magical? Or change it now that the parameters don't apply.
It demands a life for each wish.
Been done before, but it's a good premise for Horror.
VIN (smiling) Belief, my friend, is a choice we make. It's about embracing the power of imagination and holding onto hope, even when the world seems bleak. We may not fully understand the mysteries of this world, but sometimes, it's the belief in the extra-ordinary that brings forth the extraordinary
You could condense this (above) and wouldn't lose much of the sentiment.
Something like: Belief, my friend is about holding onto hope. It's about embracing the mysteries of this world and believing in the extraordinary over the ordinary.
A few typos throughout : cry's cries nocked, knocked etc.
Your final lines would have to be Superimposed for an audience to read your final message. And it didn't make sense to me - see below. *
The story itself is quite convoluted. A mix of absurdist horror, heartfelt drama, and big doses of horror, or at least gore.
Bill doesn't seem to grasp the meaning of every time he makes a wish it results in the death of someone. At the beginning a man drops dead (all because Bill really wanted pie?). And everyone's oblivious? An entire family drops dead, robbers come into the diner (that was a really unexpected event), robber ends up with his head in a box - I suppose you could say he got his just desserts - and Lucy drops dead as well.
It was just a bit all over the joint for me. A bit confusing too.
* The message at the end with Bill giving his life for his wife - at least that's what I think happened? But then all of it couldn't even have happened without the magic cooler, and yet your message says the greatest gift is not the cooler, but love? And Vin returns as well?
A mixed bag for me but I think this could be revamped without the strict parameters and the deadline.
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