Shower Fear by Devin - Short, Horror - Shower fear -In a chilling short film, a young woman’s routine evening shower becomes a harrowing ordeal as she senses an unseen intruder, leading to a terrifying confrontation that blurs the lines between reality and paranoia. 5 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting Don!

I plan on shooting this as a proof of concept for being able to create suspense. I'm looking for feedback, and open to anything.

Can't wait to share the film with you all!

So Devin, okay, this is to showcase your skills with suspense. The first thing that came to mind reading this was Psycho.

CAP Bill on intro and give him an age.

Lots of misdirection in the opening scenes and by the end everything is in your character's head. Obviously Katie is suspicious of men in general?

The thing is your opening scenes paint a completely different picture of Katie in contrast to the character she is when she gets home. Once home she is overly cautious and fearful, paranoid and 'weary'.

In your opening scenes however, you describe her as: carefree, confident, athletic, completely unlike the character we end up with.

Be clear about whether this is a shower or bath. You'd test bathwater with a foot, shower temp with a hand. You'd immerse yourself and be enveloped in the warmth of a bath.

She slips on the razor? Maybe if a cutthroat razor.
Hmm, have her slip on soap maybe after she gets it in her eyes and drops it? That would work.

Some curiously interesting descriptions.
Bill smokes, watching, the scent of neglect mingling with
tobacco.
What's he watching?
The scent of neglect? Poetic, I'll give you that.

She smiles as the soap invades her eyes. She smiles at this point? Yeow!
Must be imagined. Odd phrasing. I guess you're conveying she's imagining things - false alarm.
A shadow may or may not dance across the curtain.
How will you film this (above)? Best to leave 'may or may not' out of the equation and film that shadow.

...she steps out of the tub relieved.
Okay, shower over bath?

I really don't get how you end up with that much blood from tripping over a razor. In the imagined scene yes, there's a knife involved. But bang your head there's not much blood unless something actually breaks the skin.

I'd personally do away with the opening scenes unless you attempt to link her paranoia. You could do this by having her jog at dusk, be followed by someone but lose them and then have her paranoia and imagination take over in the shower scene.

And pare back some of your descriptions.

Hope this helps.
Looking forward to seeing the filmed version.

Quoted from LC So Devin, okay, this is to showcase your skills with suspense. The first thing that came to mind reading this was Psycho. .

Hey LC,

Thanks for taking the time to provide such detailed feedback! I really appreciate it!!

It came to me in the shower, so I thought, how can I subvert psycho expectations?

I see what you mean about Katie being all carefree in the beginning but then paranoid later on. Gotta make that transition smoother. Maybe she looks back, is someone is following her? maybe the dog owner is seen as a threat. Maybe there is a hooded jogger behind her...

I get what you're saying about making Bill's age clear at the start.

As for the shower or bath thing, I'll make it clear. Foot for bath, hand for shower � got it.

Slipping on soap instead of a razor? Yeah, that could work better. When I was in the shower, I dropped the razer on the floor, and though 'What if I slipped on that?' But reading it, doesn't have the same feeling.

Some of those descriptions you pointed out, like the scent mixing with tobacco � maybe a bit too much, huh? I'll tone it down. Maybe -Bill smokes, watching, his pockmarked skin moves as he inhales, the dirt on his collar thick with sweat.

--She smiles as the soap invades her eyes. She smiles at this point?-
I was thinking she is releaved from seeing the source of the CLANG! The Razor. But if its soap, no clang, maybe a light thud. And a look.

false alarm. - yes, nice!

And about the blood from a razor slip? You're right, that's probably too much. I'll dial it back.

Cutting down on some of the details sounds good, too. Keep it simpler.

Your idea about linking Katie's paranoia from earlier on is smart. I'll see how I can make that work better.

Thanks for the tips. I'll get cracking on those changes. Can't wait to show you the updated version.

Thanks again!!

Devin

I'm curious too, I took this to a local writing group and they slammed it pretty hard, categorizing it as a psycho rip-off. Is it too much like psycho to see what I'm doing as a writer and then director?

In your opinion will people watch it and be like, ya he just ripped off psycho.

I'm open to any thoughts, thanks!

Devin, it's the first thing I mentioned off the bat in my comments. You need to bear in mind Psycho is iconic for its shower scene, plus you've called your script Shower Fear so it appears you weren't exactly hiding the inspiration for that scene.

If you want to showcase your directing skills I don't think it matters if it's not wholly original, by that I mean if you're just showing technique. If you want to showcase your writing skills however, I'd try to write that particular scene in a more inventive way, or better yet if you want to impress on both fronts stay away from derivative scenes altogether.

Quoted from LC Devin, it's the first thing I mentioned off the bat in my comments. You need to bear in mind Psycho is iconic for its shower scene, plus you've called your script Shower Fear so it appears you weren't exactly hiding the inspiration for that scene.

This is exactly what I needed to hear.

It wasn't the inspiration, but it hardly matters at this point. The way I saw it working in my head was much different than the way it was shot in Psyco.

Thanks for taking the time!

Quoted from Devin This is exactly what I needed to hear. It wasn't the inspiration, but it hardly matters at this point. The way I saw it working in my head was much different than the way it was shot in Psyco. Thanks for taking the time!

So, just start again with bits of what you have. The first part of your script is quite different to the second part. I'd start again with that story - decide whether she's a carefree character or neurotic/fearful character cause there were some inconsistencies there, and perhaps intro your antagonist earlier.

Perhaps she thinks he's following her - everywhere she goes, he's there, but it's pure coincidence. She sees him in the park when she's jogging, then again when she's returning home.

Have him appear to follow her (make it look that way to your audience) but he's totally innocent. Turn the tables, lead your audience down the garden path.

It's getting dark, no-one else around, he crosses the street when she does etc. She ends up lashing out and accidentally kills him because of her own perceived fear. Maybe he offers to help her, she drops groceries, twists her ankle while jogging and she completely overreacts.

But it was all in her head. Turns out he's lived in the same street but because of his appearance she never gave him the time of day. She's devastated at what's happened, guilt ridden etc.

Then introduce an element left of field at the end/a twist, so that we're never really sure if he was guilty or totally innocent. Just a suggestion.

Quoted from LC I'd start again with that story - decide whether she's a carefree character or neurotic/fearful character cause there were some inconsistencies there, and perhaps intro your antagonist earlier.

I think I will start again. I'm going to change the context from the shower to somewhere else, anything to not be seen as psycho.

I'll definitely take your advice through the transition. Thanks again!