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Timmy: Customer Service by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as - Short, Sci Fi - A troublemaker pushes the limits of cheerful customer service. 8 pages - pdf format
I honestly thought that I was missing some pages when I got to the end. Am I? You start you FADE IN, but then make no indication that the story is over and it is only 3 pages long.
Some of the humour hits, I chuckled once or twice. I don't think I understand the story though, Jake just wants to create havoc for the robots?
Would have liked a little more foreshadowing of the environment - i.e., maybe place this in the future so the auto cars and droids immediately make more sense.
I'd say a SUPER at the beginning to indicate this is the future would help. Just having autonomous cars on the street isn't enough to show it's the future. Also, as TIMMY looks human, though fake, from the outside it may be hard for the audience to know what's really going on here.
I wish the boy had a reason to mess with the robot instead of just messing around with him for fun. Once the initial joke of the boy's lies and TIMMY's interactions is set up, it gets old fast.
I do like the ending where the boy's misdeeds come back to hurt him and the ambulance is called off due to his allergy. I think this script would do better if it was shorter and got to the ending/punchline faster. As that's really all it is, a setup to the gag at the end. Which is good.
Again, considering the awkward constraints of the challenge you did a good job. However, having read your competition, they did a better one. Incident at the Super mart gets my vote.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
Not a huge fan of this one. Some funny moments but not much of a story or any reason to care about the people/androids. Perhaps with more time you can flesh this out into something more.
Oh, and brutal challenge parameters. So, pretty decent effort.
I like your take on the character who can't tell the truth. It's fun. I agree that it'd be nice for there to be a reason he's messing with the robot, but given the constraints...
The payoff felt a bit like an add-on. Given more time and a couple of rewrites, maybe you could get it to fit into the story a bit more organically.
Overall, I enjoyed the script.
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I liked where this was going but it fell just a tad short. You had one more page to put a good zinger on the end to bring it home but it just seems to end abruptly. I just wanted to know if he was just messing with the bot or if he had another end in mind.
CUSTOMER SERVICE I enjoyed the dialogue. This is the second sci-fi story I’ve read with robots. This read very fast and the dialogue was snappy. It was mostly one scene with a quirky gotcha at the end. I was getting tired of Jake anyway at that point. So glad of the outcome. Like the irony. Good job writer.
Short and funny, though not as sci-fi as I was hoping. Still, it was well done and I liked the dialogue between everyone, especially Timmy and Tammy. Good job with this one.