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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Road Trip - WT
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  Author    Road Trip - WT  (currently 1977 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Road Trip by Warren Duncan - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - Everybody loves a good road trip. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 21st, 2018, 9:13am
revised draft
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Bravo.  Taking current events and making a fun story out of it.

Best,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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As a SpaceX fan I may be a bit biased but I really enjoyed this. Great twist. Well done for containing all that in one page.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A good one-pager. My curiosity kept me going to the end as I wanted to call you out on a few issues but they were answered soon enough. I'm still pondering how a song is played silently on the radio? Good stuff, nice reveal.
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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I impressed myself by calling the setup early. (Do I get a bonus star?)

This is one of my faves. Great take on a recent, ongoing event.

Suggestion: dialogue line beginning with "Ground Control" feels stronger without the words "Ground Control."


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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You got a laugh out of me. I really enjoyed that.

Had an idea where it was heading, but didn’t matter.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job - well written and topical - kudos


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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This was great. Enjoyed every bit of it.


CLICK HERE FOR MY WEBSITE AND OTHER SCRIPTS

Swan Song - Short, Drama (for the September 2021 OWC)
The Dead Body - Feature, Horror
Don't Go In The Shed - Short, Horror
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Just the right touches for this one.

The surprise at the end works only for readers. On film, we would see the red Tesla in the first scene. Does that matter? I don't think so.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Road Trip

This reads as a commercial to me. As an entertaining story it's not connected properly yet; but as said, as a goofy hip auto commercial, it comes across qualified…
2



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jayrex
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I enjoyed this one a lot.  Nicely done.  


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RJP
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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Nice bit of comedy. Smart. Well done.
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FrankM
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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Having the words "Space Oddity" on the car's screen makes more sense than "plays silently."

This works as completely silly (so yeah, maybe as a car commercial), but anyone who could interact with a car in space would know that sound doesn't travel there, so why talk to the driver?


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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CameronD
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Cute.


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ajr
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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There's a complete story here, and a nice reveal. I'm torn because I didn't get the chuckles that everyone else got. Solid job though and should get a nice rating.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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