Hi there Mr Lincoln. I have seen you comment on others work so thought I'd give yours a look.
I'll be writing my comments as I read through. I have only skimmed the comments section so apologies if I repeat something already said.
First up, a quote. Is this just for the benefit of the reader or do you want it on screen?
If on screen (assuming you want it on a black screen since it's before FADE IN
then I would bring it down into your first page. use BLACK SCREEN, then OVER BLACK followed by quote
That's how I have seen it done anyway
Your first action block duplicates the slug line in that there is a house. To be honest, the first 3 blocks of descriptions feels like it could be restructured to convey the same with less words.
Oh look, you have used OVER BLACK, why not use that for the quote? Maybe the way you have done it is fine, what do I know.
Is a man being reported missing breaking news? Not a criticism, just a question - Don't think I have seen breaking news of a CEO going missing, unless he's a celeb? I'll read on
Hmm, I've said this before somewhere else, and again it's probably personal choice - But I don't like this style of writing with things like "What's odd, though" and "Been around for years, decades maybe" - I don't know what the term for it is - as a reader I want short concise actions and descriptions, giving me just the info I need - Why tell me it's odd? just tell me what's there and I'll (as the reader) will decide it it's odd or not - Hope this makes sense.
More of the above type of writing "A look that screams ďbusiness executiveĒ" - I'm gonna stop pointing these out as I go, as I get the feeling there will be a lot of them - and as I said, maybe it's just me that doesn't like it
Pops up? from where? I think this might be the wrong word as in my mind "pop" is full of energy
"It takes him a minute to fully come to" - Are we watching him for the whole minute while he gets his shit together?
Is wail the correct word here? I thought wailing was a high pitch scream, not banging on a door.
Found the dreaded "We See" - No need to put "We see, we hear etc". This is for the screen, if it's there, we see it, if it makes a noise, we hear it - no need to tell us that
photos of four men, including Foster, taped to the board. Two of the four men
are crossed out by a RED X.
Fosterís photo, and that of another MAN(40ís) are the only
pictures that arenít crossed out.
Double information here, you have told us twice that two photo's are not crossed out.
I'm a little confused. I think you misuse the CONTINUOUS - You say foster leaves, next slug line is a CONTINUOUS, so I'm thinking this is the room Foster just walked into - took me a while to realise it isn't - Then next slug line Foster is back in the Factory, I thought he left? Very confused
Definitely misusing the CONTINUOUS, they are everywhere.
A shoot out, and a typical movie thing is happening, bad guys can't hit their target to save their lives. I mean, you have described some kind of battle bot, target sensors locked - and he still can't hit a company CEO - Is this guy some kind of former special forces or something? - I don't buy it
Thatís right, you better run
Don't like this line - a bit cliche, but also, he has just had a gun fight with a battle bot - this line makes it seem like he is keeping his cool too much - again, former soldier?
How is it this guy is adept with weapons? He takes it apart - maybe it's because i'm British and we generally are not exposed to guns - Who knows
Reading this is very laborious - By that I mean, lots of action blocks that don't flow well, kinda feel's stop and start, not getting a good rhythm.
Got to page 10, I am skimming a few pages now.
Why are there lots of dialogue in capitals?
You have put flashback as part of a slug line - FLASHBACK needs it's own line, then open with a slug showing us where we are
OK I have skipped to the end.
Story - A nice story of revenge, he's obviously been planning it for a while and wanted to enjoy watching the guy fighting for his life. To be honest I was expecting it to be more like a deadly escape room than a prolonged bot battle.
Writing can be cleaned it a lot I think - A lot of descriptions and action hurt my eyes reading it.
Try and condense what you have, remove anything unnecessary, anything duplicated and anything we can't see or hear.
Rearranging some of what you have might also make this read a bit easier.
Hope any of the above is useful
Good luck to you