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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The D'Angelo Way
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  Author    The D'Angelo Way  (currently 296 views)
Don
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The D'Angelo Way by James Austin McCormick - Short, Sci Fi - An unscrupulous journalist sets out to uncover the secret of a fitness guruís eternal youth. It's not the healthiest decision he could have made. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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steven8
Posted: May 11th, 2020, 1:17am Report to Moderator
Been Around


You're never alone...

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Ha ha!  I loved it.  At first I thought it might be too wordy, but it came out just right.  I really didn't see the android bit coming.  I thought it would be some kind of black magic thing.  Well played.

Mrs. D'Angelo needs to have her programmers put in a terse mode that she can switch to for after the show, to avoid that happening again!
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JamesMcCormick
Posted: May 14th, 2020, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steven- I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for your feedback
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eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2020, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty nice story - congrats.

Several areas need tidying.


LUCA DíANGELO (69 but looks at least twenty years younger),
a tanned, muscular, perfect specimen of manhood in a garish
track suit, stands on stage.

Tracksuit is one word.

This:


Quoted Text
(CONíT)


Should be:

(CONT'D)


Quoted Text
LUCA
Always are my dear.


comma after are.LUCA


Quoted Text
LUCA
(Excitedly) Youíre certain?


Wrong format. Should be:

LUCA
(Excitedly)
Youíre certain?


Quoted Text
CARTER
Not true maíam, I assure you


Need a period at the end.


Quoted Text
CARTER (CONíT)
It would be a great honor for me
sir.


coma after me.


Quoted Text
LUCA
Two minutes Mr Carter. Ask your
questions.



Quoted Text
SARA
I think you have enough Mr Carter.
comma after minutes.


comma after enough.








My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JamesMcCormick
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much for pointing these out.
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eldave1
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JamesMcCormick
Thanks so much for pointing these out.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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