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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Shifted - OWC
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  Author    Shifted - OWC  (currently 538 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shifted by Someone - Sometimes the price of progress is greater than can be imagined.

And When the Sky was Opened - S1E11
  - Short, Sci Fi


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Gum
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer.

Shifted into another time/space continuum, a parallel that is as fragile as it is cold and lifeless. It’s got a strange ‘Alex Garland – Annihilation’ vibe going on as well which is cool, simply cause I love that movie.

The impending cataclysm here, I guess, has something to do with these pioneers of this world opening up another dimension with serious causal effect, into a ‘Pandora’s Box’ so to speak, and not being able to close it once perceived or viewed by other worldly senses. Some things should never be opened

Perhaps, this is another Schrödinger’s Cat scenario, where the consciousness of the observer is the reason behind the final outcome, that being… the paradox was simply created by Taylor’s perception of the ‘other’. Of course,… the paradox might have been created by the perception of Taylor by a collective consciousness residing in the other dimension. Bit of a mind-bender here… cerebral. Imaginative writing, not your first rodeo. I dig it...


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spesh2k
Posted: October 24th, 2020, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure how I feel about this one, think the ending went over my head a little bit. I will say that the writing itself is fantastic. However, this is another one that isn't very low budget -- unless the filmmaker gets creative with building the set for the capsule. Still, I don't consider it low budget at all.

Overall, I loved the writing, wasn't a huge fan of the story. Dialogue was good as was the description -- nice and clear, reads at a fast pace -- but I think I just didn't get it. Did he disappear into another parallel universe and now that parallel universe is invading their own universe? Not really sure. Maybe I'm just dumb lol.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Gerasimos
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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Whatever the 'experiment' is about, parallel dimension/joining in some mind blogging computer environment/the new world taking over the real one, etc etc, it works for me. Writing is nice, story is visually driven rather than  dialogue developing. Considering it may be just me that I'm not a fan of 'explaining even more', the concept "They used to exist, but don't any longer; Someone – or something – took them somewhere" works.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of remember this episode. I thought the writing was fine, but I found the story to be too close to the TZ episode. Colonel so and so. Military... I wish you had taken the concept and turned it into something different. Anything. Senior citizens. School children, anything. Something that would make this feel fresh and new. I think the whole point of this OWC was to think out of the box. A new angle on an already existing idea. Not bad, just wished for a little more creativeness on your part.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of remember this episode. I thought the writing was fine, but I found the story to be too close to the TZ episode. Colonel so and so. Military... I wish you had taken the concept and turned it into something different. Anything. Senior citizens. School children, anything. Something that would make this feel fresh and new. I think the whole point of this OWC was to think out of the box. A new angle on an already existing idea. Not bad, just wished for a little more creativeness on your part.


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Bort
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer!

Will start off by saying I don't think I'm the audience for this one. The writing is good but it's not a low budget short.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2020, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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This one isn't that close to the original but I can see where it's inspired by.

Low budget - hmmm, green screen maybe.

The writing is okay, but the ending feels a little ambiguous.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Good writing and I enjoyed the ride. I'm glad you referenced Stranger Things in the dialogue as a nod that you've been influenced by that idea.

I think the last few pages needs more. At the moment it's quite obscure. You set up this fantastic spooky alternate world and suggest a malignant presence, but without showing or explaining any of it and then it's just let loose in our world. It needs more, in my opinion but a fantastic first draft!

-Mark


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Fais85
Posted: October 26th, 2020, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer,

Well imagined. Well written. The script had creepy vibes.

The climax was confusing. But probably that's where you wanted to go.

Overall, I like this.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 27th, 2020, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer


Quoted Text
Everything is as it was.
Except it isn't.


Well, that was nice and clear, thanks.

When it comes to Sci-Fi I always get bored of the overly technical talk  "Electromagnetics at background level" for example... might just be me, though. I could do without it to be honest.

I'm also never a fan of the whole "high-tech" descriptions when it comes to Sci-fi either, makes them all sound a bit samey.

Anyway, got to the end and have no idea what happened or why.

Sorry writer - seems you have an imagination and came up with a big idea, but most of that idea is still in your head and not the page, leaving me bewildered and the read unsatisfying.

Well done for getting one in though


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JEStaats
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I like an open ended story that leaves the reader (viewer) the right to wonder just what the F they just watched (e.g. Annihilation). This was written well in regards to both dialogue, tempo, and description. It may help to give a clue to what is being shifted (time, space, dimension, etc.) but not an on-the-nose expose either. Sometimes you don't need every T crossed or I dotted.

Not low budget but I think it could be shot 'reasonably'. Nice work, writer.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Ok, these pages didn't pull me in right away, they yanked me in! You set things up nicely, but by the end it sort of fizzled out. So this was just okay for me. Some very good writing on display here. I can see where some would find the ending a tad confusing, but I suspect it's meant to be ambiguous. IMO. A fine entry though.



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Rob
Posted: October 29th, 2020, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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There are several effective images/ideas in this script. I like the idea of a world where the sun casts no shadow and the environment does not feel organic. The shattering plants are also cool.

Although the writing is generally sharp, there are a couple of important lines that I did not quite understand. Here is one: "A call rather than a word, loud and clear." The other is "The containment is wider." This seems quite important to the ending. Seems like the wider containment is not a good thing.

A lot to like, but also puzzling.  
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 30th, 2020, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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The plot of the episode sounds like the Mandela effect. Was there a third man on their space mission?


Quoted Text
(Inspired by "And When the Sky was Opened")


This actually belongs on the title page. Or  you could use it as a super.

Normally, you fade in at the beginning and fade out at the end.

Stranger Things reference. This one goes to Eleven.

The echo "Shifted" does match the origina lword "Shifting."


Quoted Text
What man?


What man? Do you mean "what, man?"

That was a very interesting read, though my brain's a little burned out. Excellent job.


FADE IN:
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