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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Storm at the Backyard
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  Author    Storm at the Backyard  (currently 655 views)
Miranda
Posted: November 30th, 2020, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gum,


Quoted Text
I read your script, it’s cute and urbane, but I don’t think your primary issue is language, it’s developing a cohesive story with resolve…. that is, something is lacking. What I mean is, there doesn’t appear to be a beginning and end to this, just a snippet if you will, a day in the life of some tame and/or feral creatures waiting out some storm? I digress.

I get you point. It does make sense. The story is linked to only one thing: the famous quote from Leah from Start Treck: "You are too short for a stormtropper. " .  Which clearly did not work, and if that did not work, the story is "storyless".
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Miranda
Posted: November 30th, 2020, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum


Your writing is definitely there to deliver something unique

Thank you. I grow with the negatives, but I appreciate the positive comment also.  

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Miranda
Posted: November 30th, 2020, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum

Want to really make it (English) shine? Try this… but no, please refrain from using it in its entirety unless you plan on writing prose, or a novel.:

The Elements of Eloquence: How to Turn the Perfect English Phrase.

Adjectives  - “absolutely have to be in this order: writes the author, professional stickler Mark Forsyth:  Opinion-size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun.

So you can have a… “lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife”

But if you mess with that order in the slightest…? Curious things happen. Just a little trick that a native English speaker has incorporated (subconsciously) into their daily vocabulary since birth, probably learned even before they said their first words, strange, I know… but there you have it. English, the mother of all creole languages, so much so, that a 50 year old native English speaker such as myself… still hasn’t any real clue if any of what I just said makes any sense.

That said, best of luck!


Thanks for this great tip. I will make a side note to never forget this. And don't worry, I won't overdue. I get it!

Thank you , Gum, Don, LC, Markitzero for your time!

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