Hi Gum,

Quoted Text I read your script, it’s cute and urbane, but I don’t think your primary issue is language, it’s developing a cohesive story with resolve…. that is, something is lacking. What I mean is, there doesn’t appear to be a beginning and end to this, just a snippet if you will, a day in the life of some tame and/or feral creatures waiting out some storm? I digress.

I get you point. It does make sense. The story is linked to only one thing: the famous quote from Leah from Start Treck: "You are too short for a stormtropper. " .  Which clearly did not work, and if that did not work, the story is "storyless".

Quoted from Gum Your writing is definitely there to deliver something unique

Thank you. I grow with the negatives, but I appreciate the positive comment also.  

Quoted from Gum Want to really make it (English) shine? Try this… but no, please refrain from using it in its entirety unless you plan on writing prose, or a novel.: The Elements of Eloquence: How to Turn the Perfect English Phrase. Adjectives  - “absolutely have to be in this order: writes the author, professional stickler Mark Forsyth:  Opinion-size-age-shape-colour-origin-material-purpose Noun. So you can have a… “lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife” But if you mess with that order in the slightest…? Curious things happen. Just a little trick that a native English speaker has incorporated (subconsciously) into their daily vocabulary since birth, probably learned even before they said their first words, strange, I know… but there you have it. English, the mother of all creole languages, so much so, that a 50 year old native English speaker such as myself… still hasn’t any real clue if any of what I just said makes any sense. That said, best of luck!

Thanks for this great tip. I will make a side note to never forget this. And don't worry, I won't overdue. I get it!

Thank you , Gum, Don, LC, Markitzero for your time!

Dear Miranda,
the line that stood out for me is "Tolerance is the new Black". This is a situation piece that would work well with cartoon animals, so that they can speak freely. I skimmed thru some of the comments - I suppose six pages could have a set up, middle and end climax (the storm) and resolve but that's not the way you chose to frame it.
What this short shows me is your love of attention to the detail of the animals, together with their sometimes comical interaction. I know both a back and a grey Shar-pei who are a bunch of comedians before they start to speak.
All best - JtF

Talking of the difficulty of English . . .

Spelling (Anon)

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough
Others may stumble but not you
On hiccoughs, thorough, lough* and through
Well done! And now you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?

A moth is not a moth in mother
Nor both in bother, broth in brother
And here is not a match for there
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose -
Just take a look them up - goose and choose.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird
And dead - it’s said like bed not bead
For goodness sake, don’t call it ‘deed’
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)

And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and wood and sword
And do and go and thwart and cart
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive,
I’d mastered it when I was five.

* Anglo Saxon: loch

Anon is not me - this was given years ago to me by a beloved uncle.