The Greatest Superpower by Dawn Pisturino (dawnpisturino) writing as anonymous - Short, Fantasy - A young man who has profoundly influenced his younger brother is struck by lightning and given a power that can stop the end of the world. 10 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Hi,

You used hug to show love as a superpower, which was acceptable but not good enough. To me,  superpower is a power that we don't have. It is rare.  

However,  I enjoyed reading this script whose message was good.

Michael

Haha nice superpower. A huggy one. I like it.

Writing wise - it's easy to understand and clean but it's too many exclamation marks. Sounds like they shout out whatever they say and all of their speech is at the same range - very up.
It's also a bit of many parentheticals for me. Maybe minimize? See what the others say.
Also, the paragraphs could be less - they say better be 4 lines max.
"We see" - everyone avoids that.
And also cap your characters when we first meet them.

I'd avoid repeating whatever already happened and what we just saw - Joe retelling his parents - find a way to go around it.

Overall, it makes sense and easy to follow but it could have more texture to keep my attention in.

I love that LOVE is what's going to save the world. I'd consider it a fine choice under these circumstances.

What the others said, and also, in your scene headings you should put the time of day at the end, rather than before the location.

INT. REUBEN AND JOE'S HOUSE - DAY

instead of

INT. - DAY - REUBEN AND JOE'S HOUSE

What worked:
- Story easy to follow
- SEATED YOUNG WOMAN who says, "Don't you dare touch me! ...". I wasn't expecting something like that and the outcome.
- You have some issues with your Scene lines and Action statements (listed below), however, this one mostly works:
"INT. - A SMALL NEIGHBORHOOD COFFEE BAR
We see Reuben entering a warm and cozy coffee bar. Although
he is soaking wet and cold, his face radiates warmth and
exaltation. Customers sitting at tables notice his entrance
and appearance and watch him with curiosity. A cashier greets
him from behind the counter."
For this one, remove the "-" in the Scene line; and
"Customers" and "cashier" should be in all caps;
You don't need "We see". You can start with "Reuben enters a ...".

What doesn't work (repeats from other comments):
- Your scene formatting. Location first, then time of day
ie. You have: EXT.- CLEAR, SUNNY DAY - BASEBALL DIAMOND AT A COMMUNITY PARK
Should be: EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND AT A COMMUNITY PARK - CLEAR, SUNNY DAY
No "-" after EXT.
- You need to capitalize your characters that you introduce throughout your script. (In some cases near the end you do not introduce them. Their dialogue just appears. You need to introduce them in the Action line.)
ie. You have: "older boy, Reuben, "
Should be: "older boy, REUBEN, ..."
- Your Action lines need trimming and without explaining what we see.
ie. You have: EXT.- CLEAR, SUNNY DAY - BASEBALL DIAMOND AT A COMMUNITY PARK
We see two brothers with baseball mitts throwing a baseball ...
There is no way we would know right off the bat (pun!) that they are brothers. Try something like,
"Two teenage boys with baseball mitts are throwing a baseball ..."
- This is a bit minor but it pertains to the requirements of the challenge. One requirement states, "Any superpower you so desire." He is suppose to choose his superpower that is then given to him. You have the LADY choosing the power for him. Make sure you understand the requirements.
- You have: Realizing his mistake, Reuben's heart swells with love and
compassion for the man.
Never "realize". You need to show an expression or action that relates to this.
And "Reuben's heart swells with love and compassion for the man." How do we see this? You cannot write a description/explanation.
- Page 6: Joe's and Father's exposition doesn't work as someone else said, especially Joe reiterating everything we saw. And the Father explaining what he is going to do doesn't work.
- The ending wasn't satisfying for me. I wasn't sure if Reuben died or not, since he has Love superpower.

All in all, you have a story here. It just needs some polishing. Great idea and effort.

Ahoy writer,

Not much to add, the previous reviews gave you some great advice and covered some of the issues I had with this. Just a tidbit; writing is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the details, but short enough to still be interesting. Best of Irish luck!-A

All you need is Love.

I've got that song in my head now. Could be worse...
This is a script with a lovely sentiment.

You definitely could do with honing up on screenplay formatting.
That said, you did paint some nice visuals with your scenes and dialogue is your strong point and it is a predominantly clean script devoid of typos.

I too was left wondering if Reuben lived or died at the end.

Regarding formatting I don't mean your page setup.

Focus in particular on Scene Headings
Action/Description Lines (keep to a minimum 4 lines while starting out)
Overuse of Parentheticals (info in brackets)
Show, don't tell.
Orphaned lines.

There's plenty of info available. Here is just one.
https://www.careersinfilm.com/screenplay-format/

Your story is good. I loved the social commentary and disconnection element to this - the café owner phoning the cops was amusing.

I won't repeat the formatting points that other's have pointed out, only to say they are easy to fix and you'll soon get used to the standard formats.

Onto the story...

I like the central idea, Love is a great power, wether or not it is super I'm not sure but it works for me here.

I think the story is a little simplistic in how it is told, but sort of feels okay for this particualr script as they're kids.

I'd cut the dialogie and the parantheticals down a little as these felt a little too much.

But well done for getting a script in.

[quote=Ghostwriter22]Ahoy writer,

Just a tidbit; writing is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the details, but short enough to still be interesting.

I am SO stealing this - love it!

But to the point, I like this story - yet another "Love" featured as the greatest superpower.  Hard to argue.  I think you are most likely new to the craft of screenwriting and you've received some excellent pointers here on formatting.  I am the "queen" of formatting errors, so I won't comment on that - I usually just stick to story value, and I like this one.  Like others, I did wonder if our hero survived at the end...somehow I think he did.  Good job and thanks so much for entering an uplifting story  

If you don't take this on your brother will die ... Talk about pressure

Sadly this was way overwritten.
It was a nice gesture that you used love as a way of healing and the reactions of people are pretty honestly detailed.

This could have been scaled back a lot It just made it a lot harder to read with giant blocks of words.

Story had a nice concept to it but didn't seem to have an ending.

Another draft of this and you will have a nice little script
Good looking on entering

I just loved the Hippie dude although he should've been the first one in line for a hug. But then again, there's a big difference in old hippies and contemporary hippies.

So much said already. I found myself skimming a bit but made it through.

Thanks for sharing and good luck!

I enjoyed this short. It was a bit overwritten, but I understood the need to get the point across. But you brought in a powerful superpower -- Love. Wonderful human sentiment to solve the world's problem --about to be destroyed!
The formatting is well established by the comments of experienced writers. Give some attention to what they are saying.  Another couple of scripts and you'll read like an experienced pro.
Really nice concept - love.  But I might suggest you find a way to minimize hugging so many people. In theory you could run into someone not necessarily receptive to a stranger hugging them, and might take it as an assault.
But overall a great piece that certainly meets the criteria.
Keep it up.  

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ahoy writer, Not much to add, the previous reviews gave you some great advice and covered some of the issues I had with this. Just a tidbit; writing is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the details, but short enough to still be interesting. Best of Irish luck!-A

Aha! amazing!

Hi Writer

Quoted Text But Reuben wraps his arms around the struggling man.

Another script with inappropriate, non-consensual touching of a homeless man.  

Quoted Text JOE Something happened to Reuben. He's not right in the head. We were throwing the ball around at the park and a storm suddenly came up. I think Reuben got hit by lightning because there was a huge white flash and then Reuben was lying on the ground. I couldn't wake him up. Then he woke up and said everything was fine and we started home. But a homeless guy was trying to get money out of him, and he got angry, and the storm got worse, and then he hugged the man and the storm got better. (breaking free from his mother) Reuben thinks it's the end of the world and he has to save it! He thinks some lady gave him a mission to save the world by hugging people! He sent me home, and he's out there in the storm hugging people! FATHER What?! Let me grab my car keys. I have to find him before something happens. He might have a concussion or something that's causing delusions. He needs emergency care before he passes out or something. MOTHER Hurry, Frank! (turning her attention to Joe) Come on, young man, let's get you into a hot bath and some dry clothes. They start up the stairs together, listening to the rising wind outside.

Get in and out of a scene as quickly as possible. None of the above is needed because we, the audience, already know it. You can leave the scene with him bursting in and telling his parents something is wrong.

Alright, the power of hugs and love! I'm on board!

If it wasn't so overwritten you would have had a lot more space to expand on the story, especially the ending.

Although the message of love and hugs is well intentioned, ending it with him forcing physical contact on a rape victim who has clearly expressed wishes not to be touched, does not sit right with me.

Best of luck

I really liked the sentiment of this script. There was a positive vibe about it that hit home with me. I liked the touch of craziness that came with it--the idea that the boy had to hug as many people as he could to accomplish his mission. It was appropriate and interesting that some did not want physical contact. One small suggestion: the younger brother did not have to retell the entire story to his parents. It was too redundant.