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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Organ Donor - an unsubmitted OWC
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  Author    Organ Donor - an unsubmitted OWC  (currently 567 views)
Don
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Organ Donor by Harley Wolfe Jr. - Short, Thriller - A Nurse begins to suspect something sinister is happening in the emergency room on her night shift. 7 pages

Un-Submitted Jan 2017 OWC. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Fausto
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Harley,
I like the premise...good ending. However, the script contains many errors.
Check the slug lines, you don't need all those "continuous"
On page 3 and in other places, you wrote "shes" it should be "she's" or "she is".
"doner" should be "donor."
"waist" should be "waste"
"Its" should be "It's."
Go over the script with a fine comb and clean it up. It will look more professional.
Also, you need to put the age of Dr. Lisa Dobbs.
You can do it.
My best,
Fausto
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking a look Fausto. Yes it needs a polish for sure. May do that when I get the time. Wrote most of it on the Friday afternoon of the OWC and it shows lol.

If you have something you would like me to take a look at shoot me a line.

HW


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Fausto
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Thanks High,
it was my pleasure. Please give a read (if you have time) to "Virgin by Design."
Thank you very much.
Fausto
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