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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Yours Truly - Filmed
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  Author    Yours Truly - Filmed  (currently 2466 views)
Don
Posted: March 12th, 2017, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Yours Truly by Steven Clark - Short, Thriller - A suicidal man makes a last minute adjustment to his plans. 4 pages

production: Shoestring budget, 1 INT location, 2 actors. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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Don  -  February 11th, 2021, 6:21pm
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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 12th, 2017, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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@Steven,

This is just my humble opinion(JMHO), I'm not a pro screenwriter, apply salt to taste...

I try not to read too much into shorts.   They are what they are.   You did a good job with your action descriptions setting tone/mood... gotta say, I found "Yours Truly" predictable.   So I didn't find the ending a surprise.  Or maybe it wasn't meant to be?   Put us into one mindset, then flip us out of it into another...

Sidenote:  I was more sympathetic towards the wife.   This would be easy to film for sure.

Good Luck with it...

_ghostwriter



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_ghostwriters  -  March 12th, 2017, 7:26pm
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SteveClark
Posted: March 12th, 2017, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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I got a rock.

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Ghostie,

Thanks for the read and the food for thought. Naturally, it should be a surprise and some peeps who read earlier versions found it a surprise. The logline, I suspect, almost gives it away. The fact you found the wife to be more sympathetic than Peter is curious. I edited the dialogue like 500 times and got it so streamlined perhaps it reads a bit coarse - non sympathetic maybe. I dunno.

Thanks again!

Steve


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LC
Posted: March 12th, 2017, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, the big twist actually did come as a surprise to me.

Thing is though, I didn't relate, in that I didn't feel Peter's pain.

If you give him a name btw, give The Wife one. Are you doing that to make her more the villain?

And why DAWN? Can't it just be MORNING? Is this to establish they've been up all night arguing?

The line with them being so close, even while watching TV doesn't gel with me. I didn't get their loving back story at all. I know what you were trying to do there.

Mainly though I don't see Peter as an emotional wreck but rather as cold and calculating. His dialogue is not hitting the mark for me somehow. Perhaps in the misdirect you thought Peter crying would be too obvious, too pulling at the heartstrings or might give a clue to the twist that's coming. As is he's bitter - 'resigned' which usually indicates accepting, aloof. Maybe those words were too cold.

I didn't buy this great love that was destroyed. Hard to do in three pages...

But the last scene was definitely a shock for me.

Sorry I couldn't be more effusive. Your stuff usually gets me where it hurts.


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SteveClark
Posted: March 13th, 2017, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Good points all. I think I was so involved in the actual writing I might've forgotten to make Peter a semi-likable character. I had nothing but dialogue to really do that, and I think you're right - I may have missed the mark on that. Thanks for pointing that out. Good future reference.

Steve


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_ghostwriters
Posted: March 13th, 2017, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
The fact you found the wife to be more sympathetic than Peter is curious.


Only because I found Peter very unappealing.

Did you have a page limit or something?

Ghostie


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SteveClark
Posted: March 13th, 2017, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters


Only because I found Peter very unappealing.

Did you have a page limit or something?

Ghostie


No page limit. But I had success with a 2 pager called Ready Or Not, and this one came to me one day and 3 pages was all I felt I needed. Really didn't wanna do a build up or get too involved - just wanted to tell this quick story and see what happened.


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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2017, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Steven - a real nit, but I don't think that:


Quoted Text
Sliding glass doors let in no light - too dark out.


Is necessary. She's up, in the shower so it's not 2:00 AM. It's just Dawn like you already have in your scene heading.

Well written, crisp action.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: March 14th, 2017, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like I've read this one before. Has this been posted before?

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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SteveClark
Posted: March 14th, 2017, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Dave and Zack,

Thanks again for re-reading. Dave, I understand what you're saying with that, but I just think it sets the scene a little in regards to that, yes it's Day or dawn, yet still dark out. I'll even take it a step further in saying it sets the tone for the story itself, meaning a new day has dawned yet there is no light for Our Man. That's the best I can do!

Zack - yeah I posted this before as a WIP and you did read it. Thanks again.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2017, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
Dave and Zack,

Thanks again for re-reading. Dave, I understand what you're saying with that, but I just think it sets the scene a little in regards to that, yes it's Day or dawn, yet still dark out. I'll even take it a step further in saying it sets the tone for the story itself, meaning a new day has dawned yet there is no light for Our Man. That's the best I can do!

Steve


Makes sense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 15th, 2017, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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As a little shocker, this works pretty well.

Now, I believe that it solely comes to the actors and crew to make something of it. Especially the last moment should look as impulsive and violent as possible on screen.

@ Good logline here, Steven. That's it.


Suicide or killer, what a slight difference, isn't it?



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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 15th, 2017, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Yo, bro. Almost forgot to ask: What did happen to that New Orleans same sex script?

Hasn't that been produced? If so, where can I watch it? Thanks



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SteveClark
Posted: March 16th, 2017, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Alex,

Thanks for the read. I've said that to myself a few times regarding this one - it'd be up to the actors to put some emotion into this, namely the Peter character. That is, of course, if anyone thinks the script is worthy of being produced. We'll see.

The short you're thinking of, I think, is Silence, Eventually, which mirrored the Orlando nightclub shootings. It's been filmed and is currently in post. Hopefully it won't be too much longer on it.

Steve

PS - just messaged the director. Still in post. They have to do color grading and such. But he says that it is quickly becoming one of their favorite productions, and that the entire cast was super helpful and involved, some even staying late to assist with production. So, that sounds pretty positive!



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SteveClark  -  March 16th, 2017, 9:43pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 17th, 2017, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark

The short you're thinking of, I think, is Silence, Eventually, which mirrored the Orlando nightclub shootings. It's been filmed and is currently in post. Hopefully it won't be too much longer on it.

Steve

PS - just messaged the director. Still in post. They have to do color grading and such. But he says that it is quickly becoming one of their favorite productions, and that the entire cast was super helpful and involved, some even staying late to assist with production. So, that sounds pretty positive!


Yes. Thanks for the info. A story with high relevance you handled there and I'm firmly convinced it will be a huge success story for everyone involved.



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