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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Melville
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  Author    Melville  (currently 250 views)
Don
Posted: April 30th, 2019, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Melville by Jeremy Storey - Short, Thriller, Mystery - An FBI profiler learns that serial killers who never get caught eventually answer to Melville; A vengeful spirit intent on dispensing grisly punishment to the wicked. 23 pages

contests: Hollyshorts 2018 Screenplay Contest, 2nd Place; Zed Fest 2018, Finalist; 2017 Beverly Hills Screenwriting Contest; Oregon Short Film Festival 2018, Official Selection and Best Screenplay Award - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 6th, 2019, 2:57pm
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Jeremy
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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This Script Has Been Reviewed By Shootin' The Shorts
MELVILLE

An FBI profiler learns first hand that killing has consequences... some worldly. Some other.
Justice has a nameÖ and itís Melville.

                                    SHADOW MAN
                             Killing has consequencesÖ
                             some worldly, some other.

Sometimes the bad guys get away with it.  Be it a failure of justice or the cruelty of circumstance, some deeds look set to go unpunished - at least by the law as we know it.

                                        COBB
                              My nameís Alex.
                              I work with the FBI.
                              Iím what they call a íprofilerí.

                                        LOUIS
                              Youíll catch the bad guys?

                                         COBB
                              Thatís the plan.
                              But I need a partner.
                              Think you can help me?

                                        LOUIS
                              I- I- Iím just a kid.

                                        COBB
                              My uh, íotherí partner says,
                              íThe best way to catch a bad guy is together, as one.í

                                       LOUIS
                              Is he a profiler too?

                                        COBB
                              No. Not exactly...

This partner is the Shadow Man.  An ethereal being, who centuries has watched over us; working together with a few chosen lawmen to ensure the worst of humanity face the consequences of their crimes.

Now, following the death of his former mentor and partner, hard-nosed detective Louis Taylor finds himself heir to this unlikely agreement.

Skeptical at first, the deeper Louis digs the more he comes to understand the truth about his former friend and colleague.  A truth that forces Louis to reconcile his own tormented past and accept a pursuit of justice that lies far beyond our mortal realm.

                                         LOUIS
                          So either Iím crazy or youíre real.
                          Neither of which gives me the warm fuzzies.

                                        MELVILLE
                          But raining hell fire down on the most nasty of nasties
                          has gotta warm your heart, right?

Louis glances at the black folder next to him. He shuffles it to one side to reveal a BLUE  
folder underneath. The folder reads: "BILL".
Louis studies Melville in the rear view mirror, and then back out again at the house, deliberating.
                                          LOUIS
                               Cobb used to say...
                               "You only get the pot of gold..."

                                        MELVILLE
                                "...if youíre willing to find the end of the rainbow".

For Louis, like Cobb and the lawmen before him, the Shadow Man is a way to strike back against evil.  To right past wrongs and bring closure to those suffering injustice.  All Louis has to do is say the word...

Jeremy Storeyís Melville offers a dark crime noir with a supernatural twist.  This script serves as a potential teaser - a prelude to a story greater in scope than the usual short scripts.  
The Shadow Man offers up a hero for the ages: a pipe smoking, Stetson wearing avenger with a slick tongue and a penchant for restoring karmic balance with an ice-pick.  For filmmakers looking for a bold new project, Melville offers a chance to take their craft to the next level.

Review by Steve Miles
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Don
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13198
Posts Per Day
1.94
Fixed the issue with the link to the script.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Location
Sydney, Australia
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Hi Jeremy,

I love this slug, it works really well with the general feeling of the script:


Quoted Text
INT. CAR - THE WITCHING HOUR


Some fantastic imagery:


Quoted Text
The picture and the house start to merge together. The
past, encroaching on the present.



Quoted Text
SUPER:
1995
END SUPER


Thatís a lot of lines for a super and completely unnecessary. I'd just go with SUPER: "1995"

I'd turn off the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages, it's unsightly and obviously itís continued, we can tell from the page numbers.


Quoted Text
Chris and Andy follow the Shadow Man into the lounge.


You need a new slug as youíve changed locations from the front door to the lounge. A mini slug would suffice.


Quoted Text
Andy forcibly grabs Chris by the arm, leads him into the
kitchen. Chris glares reproachfully at Andy and the hand
that holds his arm. Andy timidly lets go.


Another change of location that isnít indicated with a slug.

A few small things like (OS) better as (O.S.), personal preference. Some missing punctuation when addressing people directly in dialogue, and a bit of passive writing here and there.

But to be honest this is really hard to fault. The dialogue is fantastic, especially the Shadow Man's. The story is incredibly well crafted, you had me in for the ride the whole way.

I can see why this has done well in the comps, I hope youíre working on a feature version.

Youíve definitely got talent, congrats on a great script.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  May 6th, 2019, 6:53pm
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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2596
Posts Per Day
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I'll add that this it a must read, in my opinion. Excellent script.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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