Melville by Jeremy Storey - Short, Thriller, Mystery - An FBI profiler learns that serial killers who never get caught eventually answer to Melville; A vengeful spirit intent on dispensing grisly punishment to the wicked. 23 pages

contests: Hollyshorts 2018 Screenplay Contest, 2nd Place; Zed Fest 2018, Finalist; 2017 Beverly Hills Screenwriting Contest; Oregon Short Film Festival 2018, Official Selection and Best Screenplay Award - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Fixed the issue with the link to the script.

- Don

Hi Jeremy,

I love this slug, it works really well with the general feeling of the script:

Quoted Text INT. CAR - THE WITCHING HOUR

Some fantastic imagery:

Quoted Text The picture and the house start to merge together. The past, encroaching on the present.

Quoted Text SUPER: 1995 END SUPER

That’s a lot of lines for a super and completely unnecessary. I'd just go with SUPER: "1995"

I'd turn off the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages, it's unsightly and obviously it’s continued, we can tell from the page numbers.

Quoted Text Chris and Andy follow the Shadow Man into the lounge.

You need a new slug as you’ve changed locations from the front door to the lounge. A mini slug would suffice.

Quoted Text Andy forcibly grabs Chris by the arm, leads him into the kitchen. Chris glares reproachfully at Andy and the hand that holds his arm. Andy timidly lets go.

Another change of location that isn’t indicated with a slug.

A few small things like (OS) better as (O.S.), personal preference. Some missing punctuation when addressing people directly in dialogue, and a bit of passive writing here and there.

But to be honest this is really hard to fault. The dialogue is fantastic, especially the Shadow Man's. The story is incredibly well crafted, you had me in for the ride the whole way.

I can see why this has done well in the comps, I hope you’re working on a feature version.

You’ve definitely got talent, congrats on a great script.

I'll add that this it a must read, in my opinion. Excellent script.