Melville by Jeremy Storey - Short, Thriller, Mystery - An FBI profiler learns that serial killers who never get caught eventually answer to Melville; A vengeful spirit intent on dispensing grisly punishment to the wicked. 23 pages

contests: Hollyshorts 2018 Screenplay Contest, 2nd Place; Zed Fest 2018, Finalist; 2017 Beverly Hills Screenwriting Contest; Oregon Short Film Festival 2018, Official Selection and Best Screenplay Award - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This Script Has Been Reviewed By Shootin' The Shorts
MELVILLE

An FBI profiler learns first hand that killing has consequences... some worldly. Some other.
Justice has a name… and it’s Melville.

                                    SHADOW MAN
                             Killing has consequences…
                             some worldly, some other.

Sometimes the bad guys get away with it.  Be it a failure of justice or the cruelty of circumstance, some deeds look set to go unpunished - at least by the law as we know it.

                                        COBB
                              My name’s Alex.
                              I work with the FBI.
                              I’m what they call a ’profiler’.

                                        LOUIS
                              You’ll catch the bad guys?

                                         COBB
                              That’s the plan.
                              But I need a partner.
                              Think you can help me?

                                        LOUIS
                              I- I- I’m just a kid.

                                        COBB
                              My uh, ’other’ partner says,
                              ’The best way to catch a bad guy is together, as one.’

                                       LOUIS
                              Is he a profiler too?

                                        COBB
                              No. Not exactly...

This partner is the Shadow Man.  An ethereal being, who centuries has watched over us; working together with a few chosen lawmen to ensure the worst of humanity face the consequences of their crimes.

Now, following the death of his former mentor and partner, hard-nosed detective Louis Taylor finds himself heir to this unlikely agreement.

Skeptical at first, the deeper Louis digs the more he comes to understand the truth about his former friend and colleague.  A truth that forces Louis to reconcile his own tormented past and accept a pursuit of justice that lies far beyond our mortal realm.

                                         LOUIS
                          So either I’m crazy or you’re real.
                          Neither of which gives me the warm fuzzies.

                                        MELVILLE
                          But raining hell fire down on the most nasty of nasties
                          has gotta warm your heart, right?

Louis glances at the black folder next to him. He shuffles it to one side to reveal a BLUE  
folder underneath. The folder reads: "BILL".
Louis studies Melville in the rear view mirror, and then back out again at the house, deliberating.
                                          LOUIS
                               Cobb used to say...
                               "You only get the pot of gold..."

                                        MELVILLE
                                "...if you’re willing to find the end of the rainbow".

For Louis, like Cobb and the lawmen before him, the Shadow Man is a way to strike back against evil.  To right past wrongs and bring closure to those suffering injustice.  All Louis has to do is say the word...

Jeremy Storey’s Melville offers a dark crime noir with a supernatural twist.  This script serves as a potential teaser - a prelude to a story greater in scope than the usual short scripts.  
The Shadow Man offers up a hero for the ages: a pipe smoking, Stetson wearing avenger with a slick tongue and a penchant for restoring karmic balance with an ice-pick.  For filmmakers looking for a bold new project, Melville offers a chance to take their craft to the next level.

Review by Steve Miles

Fixed the issue with the link to the script.

- Don

Hi Jeremy,

I love this slug, it works really well with the general feeling of the script:

Quoted Text INT. CAR - THE WITCHING HOUR

Some fantastic imagery:

Quoted Text The picture and the house start to merge together. The past, encroaching on the present.

Quoted Text SUPER: 1995 END SUPER

That’s a lot of lines for a super and completely unnecessary. I'd just go with SUPER: "1995"

I'd turn off the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages, it's unsightly and obviously it’s continued, we can tell from the page numbers.

Quoted Text Chris and Andy follow the Shadow Man into the lounge.

You need a new slug as you’ve changed locations from the front door to the lounge. A mini slug would suffice.

Quoted Text Andy forcibly grabs Chris by the arm, leads him into the kitchen. Chris glares reproachfully at Andy and the hand that holds his arm. Andy timidly lets go.

Another change of location that isn’t indicated with a slug.

A few small things like (OS) better as (O.S.), personal preference. Some missing punctuation when addressing people directly in dialogue, and a bit of passive writing here and there.

But to be honest this is really hard to fault. The dialogue is fantastic, especially the Shadow Man's. The story is incredibly well crafted, you had me in for the ride the whole way.

I can see why this has done well in the comps, I hope you’re working on a feature version.

You’ve definitely got talent, congrats on a great script.

I'll add that this it a must read, in my opinion. Excellent script.