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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Church of Disrepute
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Don
Posted: May 5th, 2019, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Church of Disrepute by Matthew Sawyer - Short, Thriller, Crime - Vicar Kevin runs a low key drug ring from his church, but when big time drug dealers pay him a visit. Will he crumble under the pressure or step up his game? 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Arundel
Posted: May 29th, 2019, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Story is good, dialog really brings it down unfortunately. Liked the character of Mike, was a good support.

Enjoyed the fact that you didn't make Kevin wrestle with any demons. Meaning, glad there was no inner turmoil about whether or not he should be running a drug business out of his church. The guilty conscience - been done before, so glad you steered away from it. Would have liked to see that point made stronger. That he's is unrepentant about selling drugs. It brings money to the church for repairs and to keep it going for the community, that sort of thing.

Didn't buy the ending either. Maybe Kevin would die at the end but surely not the way presented here. This was kind of the ultimate, "Oh, I can't deal with this right now," type of an ending. Who's to say that Claire won't be harmed now that he's dead? He just took himself out of the equation way too fast.

Maybe do a little more research on the drug trade to make the dialog more realistic and help drive the story.
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