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Delivered by Robert Salone - Short, Thriller - A family sits down to Sunday brunch when a Russian sits down with them and hands their Father a brown envelop out of the blue and tells him his mission details are inside and to take care of his family. 6 pages - pdf format
I liked the writing style. The short, abrupt descriptions complimented the action portrayed. I would have liked to have had a scene in the church. It felt as though that was just cut out as a way to get them to the restaurant. There could have been some tension there I feel and also symbolism/analogy.
Your logline says the Driver is a Russian but one couldn't tell from reading the script.
The logline is terrible - way too many 'ands'... that usually means that if I open the script that the writing inside will not be up to a pro standard. Maybe I will be wrong on this occasion?
I think you can write but you're confused regarding how to write a screenplay. Your sentences don't make sense. Here is one of your sentences:
You don't seem to have any 'ands' on the first page, yet your logline is littered with them. The style you have chosen to write this script is not one I can enjoy reading. As such, I couldn't get past the first page.
I'll will work on the Tag line -- this started out as a group assignment for a five minute film project, but your point is well taken. I will continue to work on the full story and resubmit at a later date. Stay tuned. and thank you.