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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Delivered
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Don
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Delivered by Robert Salone - Short, Thriller - A family sits down to Sunday brunch when a Russian sits down with them and hands their Father a brown envelop out of the blue and tells him his mission details are inside and to take care of his family. 6 pages  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 10th, 2019, 4:10pm
revised draft
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Arundel
Posted: May 14th, 2019, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing style. The short, abrupt descriptions complimented the action portrayed. I would have liked to have had a scene in the church. It felt as though that was just cut out as a way to get them to the restaurant. There could have been some tension there I feel and also symbolism/analogy.

Your logline says the Driver is a Russian but one couldn't tell from reading the script.
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Secondlookrocks
Posted: May 20th, 2019, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the in depth and insightful feedback. You have given me a lot to consider for the update.
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Dustin
Posted: May 21st, 2019, 1:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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The logline is terrible - way too many 'ands'... that usually means that if I open the script that the writing inside will not be up to a pro standard. Maybe I will be wrong on this occasion?

I think you can write but you're confused regarding how to write a screenplay. Your sentences don't make sense. Here is one of your sentences:

Code

Military haircut.



You don't seem to have any 'ands' on the first page, yet your logline is littered with them. The style you have chosen to write this script is not one I can enjoy reading. As such, I couldn't get past the first page.


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colkurtz8
Posted: May 21st, 2019, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Robert

Some extraneous slugline formatting at the beginning aside, this is actually decently written.

However, there is no story here. There is a set up, an indication of a story but then it ends just as its beginning.

I don't get it.

Also, your logline pretty much tells us everything of note that happens.

Col.


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Secondlookrocks
Posted: May 21st, 2019, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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I'll will work on the Tag line -- this started out as a group assignment for a five minute film project, but your point is well taken. I will continue to work on the full story and resubmit at a later date. Stay tuned. and thank you.
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