SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 7th, 2024, 2:46pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship. And, if you are confused How does this discussion board work?


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Bear with... The OWC Scripts will be posted around 7PM Saturday edt

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Older Brother
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Older Brother  (currently 422 views)
Caretaker
Posted: November 12th, 2023, 11:19am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16731
Posts Per Day
1.92
The Older Brother by Chris Beadnell - Short, Thriller - When your little brother received more love and attention than you, something had be done about it. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
D.A.Banaszak
Posted: November 14th, 2023, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Northeast USA pretty much.
Posts
353
Posts Per Day
0.51
I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. It took me several reads to figure it all out.

The ending has a nice twist to it.  It's just that the last line that the older brother says needs a little more clarification. If it's there, I missed it. I know or at least I think I know what you are trying to achieve, I just don't have any suggestions to make it more clear without making it too clear.

I normally don't like stories with a narrator but you make it work.

I liked this. This one will stick with me.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
cbead
Posted: November 20th, 2023, 2:42am Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
144
Posts Per Day
0.04
Awesome. Thanks D.A.Banaszak for the read(s) and feedback!

I agree the ending for this still feels clunky.  Again trying to depict the outcome but leaving something for the audience is challenging. I am thinking of...

"But when the fire goes out and the concrete slab is all cracked up, I guess someone will finally find where they buried me."

Cheers Chris



Revision History (1 edits)
cbead  -  November 20th, 2023, 3:13am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
FrankH
Posted: December 3rd, 2023, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
174
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Chris,

Here are some of my notes.

This one had a nice twist to it. What I liked was that the Older Brother's (V.O.)
was geared toward Oliver, so I expected something to happen to Oliver. Not a big fan
of too many (V.O.), but it works here, maybe scale back a little, expose less. I got
a bit confused toward the end. You have two locations with the same name in your
slug (SHED). By having two different names, it might expose what you're trying to
do or disguise, but it makes it more clear for the reader, less confusion.

The "hyphen" in your slugs is off. No need with OUTSIDE or INSIDE in slugs, EXT. or
INT. takes care of that. No need to repeat in Action what has been established in slug
(EX: cafe and some more).

FADE IN: should be on the left and transitions like DISSOLVE TO: is used more in
production scripts, not that much in Spec scripts. the way it's written, close-up
is not needed, just show the door.

Tighten up your Action, remove any fillers like "there can be no escape, a young boy, etc.)

Stick with names instead of "a man and a woman trapped."

It started out as a drama, ended as a Thriller. The twist was good. If possible, maybe
build it up more until the reveal.

Enjoyed the read.

Good luck.

Frank

  


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
cbead
Posted: December 27th, 2023, 9:21am Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
144
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Frank

Thanks for the notes. That is great technical feedback and some really good suggestions there.
I have done a couple of re-writes since I submitted this, and am in discussion about it being produced so I think some of the tightening you suggested will enhance the script even more.

Cheers

Chris


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006