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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  The Older Brother
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Don
Posted: November 12th, 2023, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Older Brother by Chris Beadnell - Short, Thriller - When your little brother received more love and attention than you, something had be done about it. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: November 14th, 2023, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. It took me several reads to figure it all out.

The ending has a nice twist to it.  It's just that the last line that the older brother says needs a little more clarification. If it's there, I missed it. I know or at least I think I know what you are trying to achieve, I just don't have any suggestions to make it more clear without making it too clear.

I normally don't like stories with a narrator but you make it work.

I liked this. This one will stick with me.


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cbead
Posted: November 20th, 2023, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

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Awesome. Thanks D.A.Banaszak for the read(s) and feedback!

I agree the ending for this still feels clunky.  Again trying to depict the outcome but leaving something for the audience is challenging. I am thinking of...

"But when the fire goes out and the concrete slab is all cracked up, I guess someone will finally find where they buried me."

Cheers Chris



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cbead  -  November 20th, 2023, 3:13am
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FrankH
Posted: December 3rd, 2023, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

Here are some of my notes.

This one had a nice twist to it. What I liked was that the Older Brother's (V.O.)
was geared toward Oliver, so I expected something to happen to Oliver. Not a big fan
of too many (V.O.), but it works here, maybe scale back a little, expose less. I got
a bit confused toward the end. You have two locations with the same name in your
slug (SHED). By having two different names, it might expose what you're trying to
do or disguise, but it makes it more clear for the reader, less confusion.

The "hyphen" in your slugs is off. No need with OUTSIDE or INSIDE in slugs, EXT. or
INT. takes care of that. No need to repeat in Action what has been established in slug
(EX: cafe and some more).

FADE IN: should be on the left and transitions like DISSOLVE TO: is used more in
production scripts, not that much in Spec scripts. the way it's written, close-up
is not needed, just show the door.

Tighten up your Action, remove any fillers like "there can be no escape, a young boy, etc.)

Stick with names instead of "a man and a woman trapped."

It started out as a drama, ended as a Thriller. The twist was good. If possible, maybe
build it up more until the reveal.

Enjoyed the read.

Good luck.

Frank

  


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cbead
Posted: December 27th, 2023, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Frank

Thanks for the notes. That is great technical feedback and some really good suggestions there.
I have done a couple of re-writes since I submitted this, and am in discussion about it being produced so I think some of the tightening you suggested will enhance the script even more.

Cheers

Chris


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