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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Targets
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Don
Posted: February 11th, 2024, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Targets (part 1) by Marty Hollingsworth - Short, Thriller - Revenge story where main character changes his name and infiltrates the organization that killed his father. 28 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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FrankH
Posted: February 23rd, 2024, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Marty,

if you haven't yet, sign up with the discussion board so we can discuss your script.

Your format is all over the place. It needs a good clean up. Read movie scripts (available on this site). So much
to learn. Read reviews and scripts on this site. Get a good screenwriting reference book if necessary.

A few pointers.

Your Action is all capped, don't. Only cap a character's NAME when first introduced and sometimes cap words.
for emphasis (like a loud sound). Action should be lean, show me what's going on, don't tell me and keep it to 4-5 lines per paragraph.

Get rid of the multi-colors.

There's some free screenwriting software out there, but I don't know how good it is. I invested in paid screenwriting software, expensive but worth it.

Good luck.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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LC
Posted: February 23rd, 2024, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Frank. Easily fixable with -

Free screenwriting software.
https://www.trelby.org/

OFFICER KNIGHT

I got a tip from an informant of mine, and
they said this is a trap house for gangs.

Big gaps between character & dialogue need to go. Parentheticals are formatted as below:

OFFICER JOHNSON
(Whispering to officer Knight). What are
we doing here?

              OFFICER JOHNSON
     (Whispering to officer Knight)
          What are we doing here?

If you Fade Out, you need to Fade In again.

SCENE FADES BACK TO (should not be in a description line.

NEWS ANCHOR (WOMEN’S VOICE):
Formatted incorrectly. This should be under character. And it would be: Woman's voice (singular).

            FEMALE ANCHOR
Or:
            NEWS ANCHOR


DET. DUNCAN IS FURIOUS. THIS IS HIS TURNING POINT TO
VIGILANTISM.
A line like this has to be shown, not told.

(smiled).
Should be present tense (smiles)

INT: DUNCAN HOUSE. FAMILY IS WATCHING LOCAL TV.

should be:

INT. DUNCAN HOUSE - DAY

The family is glued to a news report on TV. (This in your action/description line, not included in the scene header.

Anyway, I'll stop there.
Easy fixes.

P.S. I have to add this:

HELMER IS IMMEDIATELY REJUVINATED IN HIS CAUSE TO
AVENGE HIS FATHER. OVER THE NEXT YEAR DUNCAN HAS
BUILT A SECRET HUB UNDERNEATH HIS HOUSE. HE HAS A
TUNNEL LEADING FROM HIS BEDROOM UNDERGROUND AND
EXITS NEAR A SWAMP 26MILES AWAY. HE HAS ALL THE
OFFICERS NAMES AND ADDRESSES ON A BULLETIN BOARD.
HIS HUB IS VERY HIGH TECH. HIS WIFE AND KIDS DO NOT
KNOW ABOUT THE HUB. HE DECIDES TO BECOME A VIGILANTE
AND AVENGE THE VICTIMS. HE TARGETS THE HOMES OF THE
THREE OFFICERS WHO WERE FOUND NOT GUILTY.


7PM. FRIDAY NIGHT.

How do we know all this above?
You have to show it through the actions of the character.
The only other way to show this is via text on screen or a Voice Over.

Also a time has to be written as a Super. It's not a slug on its own.



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LC  -  February 24th, 2024, 12:00am
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