Comanche Kid :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Some feedback for you, Linda:

Take out your scene numbers
Remove your draft number.
Remove your character list.

You need a transition where your scene skips from Wilhelm to the Comanche village.

Stay in present tense language:

It doesn’t take long...
Should read: 'it won't be long...

The mirror is fogged up,
The mirror fogs up

The light of the campfire falls on Isa-Tai’s face, which
is sitting away from the campfire. He wakes up.
(you could delete 'which is sitting away from the campfire)

Likewise this is not needed:
He wants to kill him.
We can already guess this through the action.

These white men will pay for that!
These white men will pay for this. Or: the white men will pay.

In all the chaos and dead people stand ISA-TAI (12)
Use a word like carnage. Amongst the chaos and carnage, ISA-TAI (12), ...

But he doesn’t pull a face of pain.
Show us what actually is, not isn't. He has a brave face, or he appears stoic.

A campfire with a pot of hot coffee on it is burning
Do you mean: brewing?

A bullet was stuck in your stomach.
Wasn't it his shoulder? Maybe use a word like 'lodged in his stomach'.

If
If you need help,
Typo double-word.

We have been robbed
He is talking about something that is on the past so:
We had been robbed

FREDERICKSBURG/BEFORE SCHOOL
No need for 'before' in your header

Klara comes home from school, a boy on her hands, both of
whom look at her angrily. Both are about twelve years old
That sentence needs rewriting and end with a period.

Well, you prowler?
Prowler?
I suspect you mean he snuck in unannounced, without word he was coming but it sounds awkward. Surprise visit might suffice.

KLARA
The "Ma’am”, let it be, my name is Klara.
Suggestion: No need for formalities. You can call me Klara, or: Klara is just fine.

KLARA
What is the boy up with?
What is up with the boy?

Comanche Kid is saddled a horse when Wilhelm enters the
stable and walks towards the Comanche.
Has saddled a horse...
'and walks toward' is really not needed imho.
Rewrite this sentence.

SHORTLY LATER
Just write LATER.

David hits his head.
What do you mean by this?
I think you mean he feigns hitting himself in the head, and has a sudden realisation?

EXT. FREDERICKSBURG/MAIN STREET - LATER
Use a hyphen not forward slash for your headers.

Be careful you don't appear to be repetitious/sermonising with your big spiels. By all means include them, but the repetition of it from both Wilhelm and Klara's POV takes away the impact imho.

There is no beating in my saloon!
Do you mean fighting or brawling?

The two Texas Rangers grab the Comanche and lift it up.
Lift him up? Or: lift him off his feet.

Klara washes the dishes, David and Wilhelm dry off.
Dry them.

Bill’s hate was
Bill's hatred was...

PRESENT DAY p21
You need a BACK TO SCENE here, and a little description before your dialogue.

The words Wilhelm come to his mind.
Suggest: Wilhelm's words echo in his mind. OR: Wilhelm's words come back to haunt him.

I would be able to use some help in the store
I could use some help in the store

This (below) is a bit abrupt. The horses are not even saddled up. I'd add a bit of a segue to make it clearer.

WILHELM
(to Klara)
So, until next time, sister
heart!
KLARA
Next time, don’t wait another
eight years.

Enjoy it, guys
The use of the word: 'guys' doesn't sit well in the style of the language of the time imho.

Your final blurb (Super) does need tweaking just a bit.

Overall this was lovely to read. I thoroughly enjoyed the characters and the story. Great job evoking this time in history and it was really nice to read a Western - they are rare, but I've read a few goodies on SS, especially in OWCs.