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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Comedy - April '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Unconditional
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Don
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unconditional by Jonathan Terry - Short, Comedy -  Richard Linkard, a former business man who just lost his job, must find a way to keep his wife calm (and sedated) during one of her “bad days.” < 15 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  May 13th, 2007, 1:20pm
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Shelton
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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First off, I'll let you know that you're missing an N in Financial in all the J & J sluglines.

Secondly.....SPOILER


NO!!!  Why did you have to take this script the dream route?  It was all working so well, and then that happened and it really took a lot out of it.  At first I tried to think it was a way to rationalize this more as a comedy, but it didn't do anything in that regard.

The script itself was well written, but that ending just killed me.

My favorite part/line was in the beginning when Richard tells her that the eggs are delicious, and she immediately screams "Liar!"  I liked the boss' attempt at escape as well.

Overall, the wife's nuttiness is what helped to sustain this as a comedy, even if she was a complete psycho.

A good job.  I was just disappointed in the ending.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

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Shelton  -  April 30th, 2007, 1:55pm
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Takeshi
Posted: April 29th, 2007, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I agree with Mike.

This was an action packed and amusing read. Unfortunately I thought it was let down by the ending. The device you used to explain everything or wrap the story up, is considered a big no no amongst writers and is to be avoided. If you could create a better ending it would cap off what is otherwise an enjoyable yarn.

I also think that the scene in the elevator is unnecessary because it deflates a lot of the tension, which is created by wondering if Richard is going to get to his wife before she kills someone. The story would be better if that tension could remain until the wife breaks into the boss's office.

I only noticed the one typo. In the opening sentence it says the birds chip instead of chirp.

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Heretic
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, ending no good.  The rest is quite amusing and, to me, WAY funnier if it's all actually happening.  I also thought the Zeke scenes might've slowed the script down a little bit, but I think it's good that they're in there.  I'd just like to see more gags, maybe.

Anyway, very enjoyable.  Good job!


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greg
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Contrary to everyone else, I actually liked the ending.  I thought this was a very well written and well paced piece.  Lots of action, some funny quirks, overall mayhem...it was great!

The very ending, though, I think should be toyed with.  He looks around, everything is fine, and then he pulls out the syringe and the better safe than sorry line.  I think you should get rid of that altogether if you choose to keep it this way.  Instead have something simple happen...like...I don't know, maybe Zeke throws a football through the window or something.  Or maybe have him burst in and start eating Richard.  Something other than the syringe is what I'm trying to get at.  I just think it would be better to have Dianna as a normal person in real life rather than someone who needs this medication.  But that's my opinion.

Overall a great read.  Good job!


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 30th, 2007, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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This is probably the best I've read so far. I was laughing at every other page because I could imagine it all and, well, whatever goes on in my head, it was fun to watch.

I loved Dianna as a furious creature and how she got ticked so easily. And I was really hoping Zeke would have been killed by her because he seemed really annoying. Does he have ADD? Haha. And then I was laughing when her mouth opened larger than the usual human could to eat Richard's head, but I was surprised when he woke up from a dream.

That did kill it for me for a bit, but then when he got the syringe, you were able to pick up the pieces. This is by far the best I've read and I really enjoyed it.

Sean


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mcornetto
Posted: May 2nd, 2007, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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This had a few chuckle worthy moments and it had a bit of action and it was all going pretty well until he woke up from a nightmare.  Funny how a little nightmare could spoil your evening.

Except for the ending, good work.
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James McClung
Posted: May 2nd, 2007, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. I had an idea where this was going at the beginning but I was surprised when Dianna decided to go after Mr. Ashcroft instead of Richard himself. At this point, things really started getting out of hand. I mean, it got really over the top. I think that's where much of the humor came from though (although I thought killing the nerd was a little harsh). I wasn't sure what was going on near the end. Dianna sprouts sharp teeth? Is she turning into a monster or something? I guess at this point, I shouldn't been able to predict the ending. I'm not sure how I feel about the ending. I think it brought up more questions than it should have. I usually hate the "it was just a dread" scenario but the presence of the green syrup made things a little better. Richard certainly is paranoid. Maybe he's the crazy one in the relationship... or are his dillusions well-founded? In the end, you have no idea who his wife really is so I can't make that call. Anyway, I liked this one for the most part.


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Death Monkey
Posted: May 3rd, 2007, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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This was out there! Pretty good characters and zany plot. Too bad you opted for the "it was all a dream" ending, but then again, things did get pretty crazy so I guess there was really no way of taking care of all the loose ends.

Zeke was a wonderful dope and made me chuckle a few times.

Overall not that much to complain about. It was a solid effort with funny characters.


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Mr.Z
Posted: May 7th, 2007, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Dianna’s behavior brought a couple of chuckles out of me, but no big laughs in here. Having your  protagonist being in danger of being killed for losing his job was an interesting angle, yet quickly abandoned since Dianna went to get Mister Ashcroft.

It flowed along nicely with some crazy situations a pretty much conflict, although I must say you need another ending. The “it was all a dream” is pretty clichéd and an easy way out.

Good job overall.


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Dethan
Posted: May 7th, 2007, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't find this that amusing.  I actually closed this script the first time I started due to him sedating his wife with something he keeps hidden underneath his sink.  That type of over the top thing isn't humorous for me.

It wasn't until she went after Ashcroft that things got interesting.  The build-up on her way to his office was nice.  The end, well, others commented on that.  

I'll give this an OK.  Not my type of thing, but I can see how others could find it amusing.

Dethan



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tomson
Posted: May 7th, 2007, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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I missed this one I guess. I actually read it a while ago, but forgot to submit my comment so I've now read it twice.

Seems like most people liked this one. It didn't quite work for me. I think I now believe comedy is extremely hard to write successfully, everyone seems to have their own taste. This type of humor isn't really my thing, but my script was probably not one of your favorites either.

I thought, not only was this one a bit over the top, but it dragged in some areas too.

If you are going to rewrite this one, please let me know and I will give you a more thorough rundown on my thoughts on this.

Btw, it ending up being a dream didn't bother me one bit. I thought it made some of the silly stuff explain themselves.
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sniper
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jonathan,

I'm not crazy about this one. First of all it's not really funny and when it turned out it's a dream then I felt like "What was the point of this then?".

On the other hand I thought it was very well written and the characters were all pretty good, especially Zeke. But you've gotta have a look at the pacing, it felt a bit long when I read it.

Cheers
Rob


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CMH
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I'm going to comment on scripts I've read, even if I'm years late.

There was not much comedy in this. The only comedic moment was the old lady driving 30 and giving the guy an angry look. I chuckled, but if that's the funniest scene in a comedy, you're in trouble.

The story was interesting. You had that going for you. But, I felt it was scattered. I really don't understand the young boy's purpose. He did nothing special, but he was special enough to you to show up twice. His appearance forced you to introduce his parents and that led nowhere as well. If you're thinking ahead (and maybe you weren't), you're just adding a production expense. I wouldn't be surprised to see the kid cut completely by a producer.

The dialogue was realistic enough, though at times it felt forced. You were trying to explain situations with dialogue and it could feel scientific almost. One example:

RICHARD
That�s right. Sleep it off. We
wouldn�t want another incident.

This is what I think about when I see this. I think the writer forgets that the reader is smart. The woman is already acting a bit out there. The husband is already a bit worried. Telling us there is potential for "another incident" is like telling us that us is her husband. We know there's trouble. Don't ruin it by telling us. The old rule says: Don't tell what you can show.

Also there's the whole deal with his boss having health files. I'm not sure I buy that. What boss has health files on someone's spouse? And if he got them illegally, shouldn't Richard be upset about this?

Anyway, other people mentioned the dream sequence. I'm not a fan either. But, it wasn't too bad in this script. It worked as a nightmare. I can buy that. I think his grabbing the syringe says enough about his potential worry.


edit: And I just notified my own post. I didn't look close enough and I thought it said modify. Goodness.
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