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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Shades Within Moderators: bert
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RayW
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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>> If you're interested and don't want to wait until I'm able to post it I can email it to you. <<

Yessir.
rewriteitagain@gmail.com

FWIW, I'm strong on story continuity but horrible on splellin' N grammer.

Thank you.



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medstudent
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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I could give two shits when someone comments on my spelling and grammar when commenting on my script...

Grammar you can learn, storytelling you can't. I've always held the notion that if the story has balls then the other things can be looked past (I know, there are thousands of people who would disagree).

Though, having a good story and getting it to work are different things.

I would rather have feedback on what the story needs than what words I've misspelled...


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medstudent
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
The new version is leaps and bounds better than the last one.


Thanks, Screenrider. Means alot.


Quoted Text
You might as well quit Med school and just focus on your screenwriting career.  It's kinda funny, M. Night Shyamalan's dad wanted his son to follow in his footsteps and become a doctor while his mother insisted he follow his passion.   Looks like you've come to a crossroad.


You know, this question has been posed to me many times and I've come up with an answer... I usually tell people that writing is selfish and I do medicine to give back. When the real truth is I started down both paths at the same time and have ended up where I am today. So I've gotten to where I am by doing both. To be honest, if I could sell a few screenplays and make some money, I would be extremely happy (since I owe much more than I'm worth right now).

Not sure what I would if I had to chose. Hopefully I'll be able to do both without sacrificing one or the other (Impossible, I know). Wishful thinking. My real dream would be to write for a living and do medicine on the side, just for the love of it.

Again, thanks for the kind words. Glad the new version was worth the read.

Joseph


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I've read the first 25 pages so far and like it. I'm not taking notes or anything. I actually started reading it because it was a thriller with amnesia in it!  Started reading yesterday.

Congratulations on working with Babz. Hope something will work out and that it will get made!


.
SS, is still free...
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medstudent
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,
If you want to read it let me email it to you. This version is not the one you should read. Unless you really want to read the older version...


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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You're too late! Someone already sent it to me.

I will read it tomorrow...Do you want input still or did Babz give you enough suggestions? I read a lot just for pleasure so if I don't have to stop and take notes that's fine with me.  


.
SS, is still free...
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medstudent
Posted: August 6th, 2010, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Good.

No, Pia, read it for fun. It is better that way. Won't seem like so much work. I think I have what I need for the next rewrite.

Joseph


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medstudent
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Newest draft up if anyone is interested.


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screenrider
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from medstudent
Newest draft up if anyone is interested.


I reread it last night.  The beginning V.O, really gives it a touch of class.  Perfect.   The new ending is bittersweet.   It's incredible how simple this story really is.  

You should try to get this script into the hands of Jeremy Renner and Scarlett Johansson.

                                               RUDY


                                                KATIE

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
screenrider  -  August 21st, 2010, 12:03am
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medstudent
Posted: August 15th, 2010, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Screenrider,

Thanks. Thanks for rooting for the script. Send all good vibes its way.

I like your choices. Jeremy Renner's got a great face. And Scarlett has, well, a great face too.


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Aashiq
Posted: August 24th, 2010, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Read the script and fell in love with it. Kinda reminded me of memento for some reason. I would love to read the new draft.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Greetings Mr. Cahill, I just finished reading your script.
Congrats on whatever news everyone is beaming about, heh.
I'm new to the site this and not familiar with recent events.

First off, Id like to say I dig your commend of the technical and grammatical here.
This was a very fluid read for me, 110 pages. Boom! One sitting.
That's a major stumbling block for so many of us amateur types.

The noirish thriller story structure holds up well and keeps focus.
Please forgive the bluntness of the coming criticisms.
I enjoyed a lot of of what is here, hence the not so enjoyable stuff sticks out more to me.

Bottom line, I don't care about Rudy.
Just when I feel like I'm getting to know Rudy and Katie, the thriller plot kicks in.
The thriller elements are good, but they would feel more urgent if I cared.
I want to feel more invested in the couple before we hit that fateful alley.
The first half of act one is my way into their lives, help me get closer.
He doesn't have to be a little league coach.
However, I want to feel Rudy's desire to do right by his estranged daughter.
I want to feel Katie's willingness to put it on the line for a someone else's daughter.

I'm a little foggy on how the cops say Katie is not guilty of a crime.
Unless I'm misunderstanding the climax, insurance fraud is a crime.
Someone's charred remains is on a slab wearing her dress, she's an accessory.
For that alone, the cops would want to question her, I would think.
At the climax, I don't want to muck about with new characters like the bagman.
I don't want to see the guy I've been with for a 100 pages jerk around with a stranger.
I felt at arm's length during the climax and I want to feel what Rudy is feeling.
Some food for thought, I may be way off base, but there it is.

A few scene specific notes, if you don't mind:

p. 18 - 18 year old junkies don't say "enormous cleavage", took me out of scene.
p. 22 - something about "playing drums", I stopped and went, "Huh?"
p. 32 - Sky intro, her broken Engrish made me CRINGE. Its Vegas, come on.
p. 55 - Hotels do not keep full CC numbers. Just the last 4 digits.

That's it, sorry if I am being harsh.
I want to write this while its fresh in my mind, even though Chicken Vindaloo is calling.

Overall, I think your story and structure are superlative.
Its good enough to make me want to care more about the people in it.
Jimmy Chan, "I love toes." BRILLIANT! Best line of the script. Love that eccentricity!

Cheers! Vindaloo calls! Best of luck with your career!
  


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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medstudent
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Sorry so late in responding...


Quoted Text
Read the script and fell in love with it.


Thanks. Good to hear.



Quoted Text
This was a very fluid read for me, 110 pages. Boom! One sitting.


I think, from what I've learned, if you get this type of response back then the script has something. I'm always afraid when a friend tells me they are "going to finish it later..."


Quoted Text
However, I want to feel Rudy's desire to do right by his estranged daughter.
I want to feel Katie's willingness to put it on the line for a someone else's daughter.
Wow, not sure how I didn't develop this. You are exactly right. This is really what pushes Rudy to do what he does.


Quoted Text
I'm a little foggy on how the cops say Katie is not guilty of a crime.
Unless I'm misunderstanding the climax, insurance fraud is a crime.
Someone's charred remains is on a slab wearing her dress, she's an accessory.
For that alone, the cops would want to question her, I would think.


So, the logic behind why she couldn't get in trouble was because everyone who could prove that Katie had something to do with it is dead. And, the police killed Rudy. The assumptions made by Walnut in the end are merely conjecture on his part. He can't prove anything. No one would believe that someone would do what Rudy did.


Quoted Text
At the climax, I don't want to muck about with new characters like the bagman.
I don't want to see the guy I've been with for a 100 pages jerk around with a stranger.


Which character?

A few scene specific notes, if you don't mind:


Quoted Text
p. 18 - 18 year old junkies don't say "enormous cleavage", took me out of scene.

I'm going to agree with you on this...


Quoted Text
p. 22 - something about "playing drums", I stopped and went, "Huh?"

Rudy was asked "how do you feel?" and he replies with "I don't feel like someone is playing drums in my head."


Quoted Text
p. 32 - Sky intro, her broken Engrish made me CRINGE. Its Vegas, come on.

Ha! Point taken.


Quoted Text
p. 55 - Hotels do not keep full CC numbers. Just the last 4 digits.

Huh. Okay. Find out something all the time.


Quoted Text
That's it, sorry if I am being harsh.

No, this is great. Nice, succinct feedback. And it is stuff that no one has mentioned.


Quoted Text
Overall, I think your story and structure are superlative.
Its good enough to make me want to care more about the people in it.

Nice to hear. Re-writes, re-writes...


Quoted Text
Jimmy Chan, "I love toes." BRILLIANT! Best line of the script. Love that eccentricity!




Quoted Text

Cheers! Vindaloo calls! Best of luck with your career!

Thanks! I hope Vindaloo is hot.

Joseph


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from medstudent


Wow, not sure how I didn't develop this. You are exactly right. This is really what pushes Rudy to do what he does.


All those details you use in the first half of act one, unexplained stacks of cash, rattlesnake tacos, etc. That's where I would insert bits of facts behind these very noble motivations these seemingly trailer trash types are truly embodying. Mmm, I want me some rattlesnake tacos!



Quoted from medstudent

So, the logic behind why she couldn't get in trouble was because everyone who could prove that Katie had something to do with it is dead. And, the police killed Rudy. The assumptions made by Walnut in the end are merely conjecture on his part. He can't prove anything. No one would believe that someone would do what Rudy did.


I get where you are coming from, but in my mind, it becomes a new murder case. Who is the crispy corpse on the slab. To me, it seems that would spark interest in a police officer. Perhaps I am reading this wrong or not making my point well. Hmmmm.



Quoted from medstudent

Which character?


Uhhh, the Bagman, he delivers the $100k. I was saying to myself, "Who is this wanker? I've spent a 100 pages with all these other folks and I get a new clueless schmuck at the end of the story? I couldn't wait to get back to the other characters.


Quoted from medstudent

Thanks! I hope Vindaloo is hot.


I was sweating like a whore in church! Thanks!





LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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medstudent
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
All those details you use in the first half of act one, unexplained stacks of cash, rattlesnake tacos, etc. That's where I would insert bits of facts behind these very noble motivations these seemingly trailer trash types are truly embodying. Mmm, I want me some rattlesnake tacos!


Yep. I need to do this in the next draft.


Quoted Text
I get where you are coming from, but in my mind, it becomes a new murder case. Who is the crispy corpse on the slab. To me, it seems that would spark interest in a police officer. Perhaps I am reading this wrong or not making my point well. Hmmmm


Ahhh. I forgot to address the body. The body has nothing to do with Rudy or Katie. It was just a female corpse who happened to have on the same dress. I need to add a scene in during the restaurant showing a girl with the same dress then add a closure scene with her getting murdered by her "John" or something.


Quoted Text
Uhhh, the Bagman, he delivers the $100k. I was saying to myself, "Who is this wanker? I've spent a 100 pages with all these other folks and I get a new clueless schmuck at the end of the story? I couldn't wait to get back to the other characters.


Again, great point. I think I need to substitute this fella with someone already within the story. Someone connected to the Detectives somehow. Someone Rudy meets but doesn't remember.

I meant "hot" as in great ass hot. Vinadoo is a great stripper name.  


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