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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  High School Massacre Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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High School Massacre by Jalen Smith - Thriller - One year ago, a student was murdered during Fuller High School's annual football homecoming. Now, exactly one year later, students at Fuller High must face their past and pay the price for what they've done when a killer wearing the same mask as their high school mascot preys on them during homecoming. All secrets will be revealed. 97 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 20th, 2010, 5:49pm
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TheRichcraft
Posted: March 26th, 2010, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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I think this script has been done before.  I'm pretty sure that I saw a teen slasher movie when it was revealed that one of the faculty members was the murderer.

Donna stating that being a senior is so cool was a bit much.  You said that it was near the end of senior year later on the script, so that part was redundant.

Girls flock to the ladies' room either because nature calls or because they want to gossip.  Donna's corpse would have been found sooner or the killer couldn't have put it in there at all.

The killer also improvised a lot.  He didn't use a knife or a gun.  Just anything that was at hand.  This is hard to take because he must be pretty confident that he can pull it off.  Of course, Rhodes was crazy.

I suggest a rewrite in which not everything is explained so much in the dialogue.  And there needs to be more action scenes.  Before the main massacre, the script comes to a dead stop (no pun intended) in many parts.

Just some thoughts.  Richard
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Jalennn
Posted: June 15th, 2010, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Thank you for the feedback! I know I'm late, but do you know where it's been done before? Like, what film? (just for my personal gain...I love murder mystery-type films!)

And I have done some rewriting on it, and I do know what you mean about the dead stop action. I've been reading and researching on some suspense writing techniques and I think it's help me build a more intense story.

Thanks.

Jalen
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dogglebe
Posted: June 15th, 2010, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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'The Faculty' perhaps?


Phil
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Jalennn
Posted: June 15th, 2010, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh. I love The Faculty. Great film. But it's not necessarily JUST teachers that are killing, they're transforming. But I know what you're saying.
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Shelton
Posted: June 15th, 2010, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
'The Faculty' perhaps?


Phil


That had aliens in it.



Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Jalennn
Posted: June 15th, 2010, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Mhmm, Shelton, that's what I was thinking. It's still pretty good though.
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