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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Bad News First Moderators: bert
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ericdickson


There should be a direct connection back to Dennis Lawson in each scene, keeping the A story going full speed ahead.



This sounds like a plan to me.
So far, I've had a hard time latching onto a character...
Someone who can navigate me through the story.
Lawson's talked about a lot in the first 40, but not seen.
I think the direct conflict approach would be served well by using him early on.

Regards,
E.D.


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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


My point relates to Write to Reel's "scoring system", in which they automatically deduct points every time 2 characters have a conversation in which they can call it talking heads, no matter what's being said, or how long it plays out.

Is that right?  I am going off memory here, but I think I'm right in what I'm saying.


Hey Jeff,

I've read several of their reviews and not seen that automatic deduction.
They even accept exposition so long it's an expert talking to a layman.
I think they call it "incluing".  So, if they're that understanding there...
It doesn't seem to me they'd ding every talking head instance.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,

I'm glad there's some discussion heating up on the thread.
I'll pick this up from page 42...

P. 45
Lawson's livening things up.
It's refreshing to see a character inciting conflict within a scene.

P. 47
Rings false that Lawson hands over the folder of info...
Then tells it all to Darby anyway. Feels like clumsy exposition to me.

P. 49
I like that we're getting some forward progress on the stories.
But it's super late to be just getting rolling on that.
The script's almost half gone.

P. 51
Kurt goes into this page long speech and tells a story...
And this is where I'm going to part ways with the script.

But, I will do the authors the courtesy of explaining myself...
I've grown weary of listening to characters always talk about other people.
There's no personal content injected into the journalism exposition.
If there were, I'd keep reading.

Until you find a way to inject personal beats into these stories, it will read flat to me.
Couple that with an ensemble cast and I can't keep everything straight in my head.
Too much information, not enough character for me. I'm out.

I do hope these notes help you develop the script.
Best of luck and keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Here's "Question 4" of the 9 in their scoring system.

4.) Does the writer understand the challenges and rewards posed by the medium in which they’ve chosen to tell his/her story? Shorthand version of this is: Is it a movie and not a play? Possible 10 out of 10 points.

Here we will be looking for scenes which feature endless pages of just talking. And, if the talking happens in a vacuum unrelated to the plot of the story. Either of these implies the script is not making use of the medium.

In this case, though, the sum of instances will be dramatically less. 1 scene of talking heads or exposition laden dialogue will be forgiven. 2=loss of 2 points. 3-4=loss of 3-5 points. 5-6= loss of 6-9 points. Plus seven scenes= no points.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Here's "Question 4" of the 9 in their scoring system.

4.) Does the writer understand the challenges and rewards posed by the medium in which they’ve chosen to tell his/her story? Shorthand version of this is: Is it a movie and not a play? Possible 10 out of 10 points.

Here we will be looking for scenes which feature endless pages of just talking. And, if the talking happens in a vacuum unrelated to the plot of the story. Either of these implies the script is not making use of the medium.

In this case, though, the sum of instances will be dramatically less. 1 scene of talking heads or exposition laden dialogue will be forgiven. 2=loss of 2 points. 3-4=loss of 3-5 points. 5-6= loss of 6-9 points. Plus seven scenes= no points.


Ahh, I see. You got that from their explanation of the system.
I just read the reviews and haven't seen that used.
Suppose it depends on how liberal their definition of talking heads are.
I suppose if a couple's in a cab going somewhere, that doesn't count?

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Ahh, I see. You got that from their explanation of the system.
I just read the reviews and haven't seen that used.
Suppose it depends on how liberal their definition of talking heads are.
I suppose if a couple's in a cab going somewhere, that doesn't count?


Yeah, it's in "About Us" in the bottom left of the home page.

I haven't read all the reviews, nor have I read any of the scripts (how do you get to the actual scripts, BTW?  I don't see them anywhere).

I do seem to recall reading an earlier review on the sight where they literally did subtract points based on scenes they referred to as "talking heads", but as you correctly point out, Brett, a talking heads scene is highly debatable.

I know this isn't the place to start such a debate, but hopefully Jack and Simon don't mind the attention to their thread.  Obviously, if you put 2 characters in chairs, sitting at a bland or empty table, in a bland room, with nothing happening around them, you've got a case of talking heads.

But, like you said, Bret, does that translate to an INT traveling car scene?  Or on top of a beautiful mountain?  In a liftline at a ski resort?  At a bowling alley?  In a rowdy bar?  Or how about on the very front of a luxury ocean going vessel...like say...oh what's the name of that old ship?  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale

I haven't read all the reviews, nor have I read any of the scripts (how do you get to the actual scripts, BTW?  I don't see them anywhere).


Hey Jeff,

The Amazon Studios scripts are available to anyone with a registered account.
A retail account on Amazon.com works fine, nothing special for the studio division.


Quoted from Dreamscale

I know this isn't the place to start such a debate, but hopefully Jack and Simon don't mind the attention to their thread.  Obviously, if you put 2 characters in chairs, sitting at a bland or empty table, in a bland room, with nothing happening around them, you've got a case of talking heads.


I don't see why the authors would mind...
This script has many discussion/interview scenes.

Sprucing up exposition delivery is a very relevant topic here IMHO.
I take exposition during a job interview way better than exposition over coffee.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ryan1
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Yeah, it's in "About Us" in the bottom left of the home page.

I haven't read all the reviews, nor have I read any of the scripts (how do you get to the actual scripts, BTW?  I don't see them anywhere).


Jeff, in those WritetoReel reviews, the title of the script is highlighted somewhere in the first paragraph.  Just click on the title and it'll take you either to AmazonStudios to read the script, or WritetoReel also has their own hosting page.

As for the dialogue question, I don't really see the problem with two people talking unless their dialogue is blatantly expositional and the scene has a stagnant feel to it. We've all read scenes like that.  I think there's a way to weave the exposition in there without it sounding too "convenient."





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Forgive
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
hopefully Jack and Simon don't mind the attention to their thread.


I like the attention, I just hope you're going somewhere with it ...  

Looks like Jack's got bored with it anyway. Pity.
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ericdickson
Posted: April 19th, 2012, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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While you guys have been debating the "talking heads" theory, I managed to finish my re-write of Night of the Red Phantom.  A script I first wrote six years ago.  I decided to do a page one rewrite.  

Sorry I haven't been participating, but I've literally spent most of the day on this.

It's over on Amazon if anyone wants a looksie.
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