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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Radical Forecast - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Radical Forecast - 7WC  (currently 3987 views)
Posted: May 7th, 2012, 8:30pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Radical Forecast by Steven P. Dilworth (steven8 ) - Thriller - Four decades after witnessing a gruesome suicide, a middle-age family man risks losing everything to uncover the dark secret behind the dead mans reappearance. 101 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Posted: May 7th, 2012, 9:12pm Report to Moderator

New York
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Yours was first on the list so I'll give this one a go. Read the first 15 pages. I'll try to do 15 pages a day when time permits at work.

First page, lots of conflict here. Boy wakes up to see some guy across the street to shoot himself. Works for me. I'd read on.

From the first 15 pages, I gather that the inciting incident is when Tom sees Renner the dead guy at the pharmacy. If I got this all wrong, let me know.

Page 3 - you repeat the line "Tom looks out the window." Maybe a different way of putting it. Not a biggie, but I'd try to avoid repeating a sentence word for word in the first 5 pages.

Pages 11 onwards - there seems to be an extra space on your periods when you use an ellipses. With all the talk about orphans in another thread, I noticed that you had an "period orphan" because of the ellipses. It's not a biggie, but it does draw attention to something not related to the narrative.

In general, it was a clean 15 pages. Nice grabbing first page. Inciting incident within first ten minutes. Technically sound.
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Posted: May 8th, 2012, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Barberton, OH
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Yep, that's the inciting incident.

You're right, I had two ellipsis (ellips - ii?) orphans.  I guess I failed to notice it in dialog.  I'll have to watch for that.

I repeated the line merely indicate that he was basically frozen -- not paying attention -- just staring.

Thank you, Cooky.

ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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Posted: May 8th, 2012, 10:30am Report to Moderator

New York
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My notes from pages 16-55. It read like a detective mystery. I liked how you got to the midpoint 50-60 and here, his relationship with his son is strained. Also, it's here the John character is revealed to show another piece to the puzzle, and finally, someone who believes in Tom's suspicions. I love how low budget this narrative is. Even film students could easily film this movie, at least up to page 60 where I'll pick up later.

Sometimes you would get into wordy action lines that can be cut further, but maybe this is due to having an early draft. For example:

"Tom's cheers fade away, as he starts to sweat.  His actions
become more nervous as he sees Renner disappear between two

No need to mention he becomes nervous as it's shown with his sweat and Renner's actions.

More period/ellipsis orphans. Do you use Trelby? I wonder if this is a trelby thing. If it's a software issue, a double dash should be fine.

Some of the dream/flashbacks scenes I had to reread as you don't indicate that they're dreams/flashbacks. Maybe sticking a (DREAM) into the slug will make it easier to read. You don't want the reader to go back to a scene to reread it to make sure it's a dream - it disrupts the flow. Also some of these scenes are clearly just dreams (made up flashbacks) but some are legitimate flashbacks of real sequences. Or maybe I'm reading this wrong?

Also, I understand why you use a newspaper to detail events, but I've worked in a library before and most of the old stuff is either on film or on the Internet. But maybe it's a small town that still has antiquated ways?

pg 33-34 - reads to himself feels awkward. Maybe, the librarian
comes in earlier and he starts saying his lines. Librarian gets
confused and tells him to lower his voice. Then tells him the library is closed.
Another alternative is he's tape recording himself so it's not so awkward that he's
reading to himself out loud. Then he uses the tape recording as part of his "evidence collection."

pg 37 - the long VO of him reading looks/feels awkward. Maybe he skims the lines
and says a few,key lines with a muted voice. It just seems weird he'll read the whole
article word for word out loud. Maybe have him with a voice recorder so he's
documenting his findings. Then when he meets DAvid/TOM Kemp, he'll have some documentationto show his "evidence."

pg 41 onwards - any reason why you use DAVID KEMP on dialogue and "Dave" on action lines. I think David across the board should work. Tiny detail, but some people like consistency and might hold this against you.

For me Act I ended, when Miranda made the ultimatum for him to stop the investigation. If I'm wrong, let me know. For me, the midpoint was clear and it's perfectly placed at around pages 55-60. The strained relationship with his son and the introduction of JOHN KEMP, someone who finally believes in Tom.

At page 60, I'm left thinking how did Renner survive a gunshot? Did he even shoot himself? Is the whole town "in" on it? Is this all in Tom's head? Looking forward to answering these questions into Act 3.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 11:31am Report to Moderator

What good are choices if they're all bad?

Nowhere special.
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Page 1:
"Tommy's chest heaves: He's terrified." Either make it two sentences or lowercase the "H".
Page 3:
Frustratingly forced dialogue between Tom and Miranda.
Typical twelve-year old clothes?
Page 5:
Bursts (or flies) open might be better than slams open.
Page 8:
That first line of dialogue is literally about as on-the-nose as you can get.
How many times does Miranda say Tom's name on this page? Six. Maybe it's just me but I've never said somebody's name that many times, without it being a joke, at once.
Page 9:
It's a little disconcerting that their bedroom carpet got more description than our main character did.
"Oh wow, it's after eight-thirty. We'd better get moving." - Drop this.
Page 10:
"Why don't you boys go and get us some hot chocolate." - It's a question, not a statement.
Page 12:
The characters seem to say each other's name every single time they speak.
Page 13/14:
A couple times, your ellipses caused orphans. Personally, I don't know why you throw spaces between them anyway.
Tom's freakout feels forced in the way he expresses it.
Page 16/17:
Worst liar ever.
On "Moments later", use a mini slug for that.
Oh, clumsy Renner, always getting his coat caught in doors.
Page 18:
"Who are are you?"
Page 20:
Holy speech, Bat-Renner!
Page 21/22:
Miranda's "pause" line of dialogue has about three different mistakes in it. "So" should have the ellipsis, and you have two periods instead of two question marks. That's not to mention it sounds really clunky.
The world's worst liar makes a valiant return.
Page 23:
The dreaded "us". It doesn't bother me like it does for some people but I don't particularly care for the way you used it.
Page 24:
No periods after you text message prose.
Page 27:
It's abundantly clear who wears the pants in this family. Abundantly.
Page 28:
Three strikes, Tom...
So, Renner's telling us that Tom should listen to Miranda?
Pages 29-32:
Please do something about the dialogue between Tom and the Chief. That was tough to get through and I pray that the dialogue in my story isn't that difficult to trudge through.
The plot thickens...
Page 33:
G-D would actually be G.D.
Page 35:
This dialogue needs a re-write in the worst way...
Page 37:
Reminds me of the dream sequence in "Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne".
Page 40:
The most important budget in history rears its ugly head.
Page 41: It doesn't make much sense to call the Akron FBI office. A smarter move would be to call the Ohio Bureau of Investigation for a state case.
"Sidles" = "Slides"?
Page 44:
Town is capitalized but shouldn't be.
Page 46:
Miranda is so understanding. If it were me, his ass would be out on the curb so fast...
Page 51:
I didn't realize if it's been like this in the whole script, but unless there's a second David in this script, when the character talks, either call him "David" or "Kemp".
Page 56:
This script certainly decided to take a different turn.
Page 57:
Oh, those clumsy Federal Agents, always getting tripped up by rugs when they're holding loaded weapons.
Page 58:
Kind of like a Three Stooges scene...
I don't understand why he's crying about dreaming about Renner shooting J. Kemp. He's extremely emotional.
Page 59:
O.S. instead of V.O.
Page 60:
Tom fell asleep? Then, of all times?
Page 61:
The very top line of dialogue. What the hell?
Page 64:
Downtown is one word.
Bob Arnold certainly knows bad news when he hears it...
Page 66:
Spell out the word percent.
"FROM BEHIND A BUSH IN THE NEXT YARD:" That's an intriguing slugline.
Page 72:
David's very casual about explaining what happened to his dad. On the flip side, Bob breaks down almost instantly.
Page 73:
Potential surprise villain alert...
Page 74:
Capitalize the first time we meet Paul, whom we know nothing about.
"Sargent" is spelled "Sergeant".
Page 75:
Sorry, Sarge, but you have no jurisdiction over a Fed...
Page 76:
"Believes" shouldn't be capitalized, but I know why it is. Just a fix to look out for.
Page 79:
Once again, when a character can't be seen, it's O.S. V.O. is primarily meant for when a narrator is talking to the audience.
Page 81:
Not sure I'm aware of "assent". I'd think you meant "ascent", but the context makes that line not make sense.
And, boom goes the dynamite.
Page 84:
Sorry, Mike, but you're not being dragged there on a Saturday. Your parents would have to sign a permission slip for that. (Serious note: If you throw a scene in the beginning where they have to sign a permission slip for him to go somewhere (without stating it specifically), it could be a nice payoff revealing it as the high school).
Page 86:
Tom is a psychotic mess with anger issues and is severely susceptible to crying.
These fucking guys like to fucking say "fuck" a fucking lot. Reminds me of high school.
Page 89:
Nobody unauthorized gets near the President, especially some guy who's "with them". No chance.
Page 92:
Tony is the most casual Secret Service agent ever. If he were a cop, he's the one I'd love to pull me over.
Page 94:
I love old people ex machinas.
Page 96:
This is a very delicate situation and must be treated as such. "Everybody get down. It's a bomb!"
Page 98:
This line's probably the most irritating on the page. "Yep. Now let's watch."
Page 99:
If there were ever a cue that a character is NOT dead, it's, "I'm just glad to know that Renner is really dead this time. Oh, listen up."


I wanted to like this and I thought the idea was good enough but this absolutely fell apart once you introduced the President plot. Everything came a jumbled mess and you had five or six characters that were complete white rice.

Now, for all the fixes I mentioned, I kept in mind that it was a first draft and tried to make references to story notes that needed fixes the most. I tried to go after dialogue less because it's probably something you'll want to work on last and that it's the thing that needs the most work. In my opinion, at least 90% of the lines need to be re-written, preferably with less exposition.

Assume that notes I didn't give are things I either liked or didn't feel was worth mentioning (small changes). The script has big problems and needs a lot of work, but you've got the groundwork laid out and I think that with time and effort, you could turn this into a serviceable screenplay. Best of luck, Steven.



Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
Posted: May 8th, 2012, 11:41am Report to Moderator

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First out the gate!

Scene headings should be double spaced, found them merging.
P1. when young Tommy looks out the window at the cops, needs a POV as we are now looking in on a new scene.
P3. “Typical 12 year old clothes” line is too specific but without giving us any information. If you're going to dress your characters, actually describe their clothes but be aware some readers hate it.
P4. spelling mistake “at he same time”
P5. Maybe the flashback and scenes showing Barry shooting himself need to be more graphic so we know without a doubt he is dead.
P5. Where Barry bursts through the door out of the drugstore, we were already outside the drugstore in the scene before the flashback so needs clarifying that he went inside. I think  you were trying to say that he went through the in door and then chased after -Barry through the out door.
By page 7 I'm sensing that Tom is severely messed up – a bit too much perhaps, the way he speaks with his wife after thinking he saw Barry is a little OTT.  Dial it down this early on to give him somewhere to go later when he really gets in trouble!
Just as a side note, Tommy is fairly old for a protag, he had Mike when he was 35, fairly late. It's ageist I know (I am 40 and have a 12 year old funnily enough). Most of the characters so far seem quite old.
P11. Scene at concession stand is not continuous, we didn't see them go there.
P13 if dialogue is broken by an action line, there should be a (CONT) after the character name to signify they're still talking (though I did read somewhere that this might be a less popular technique nowadays, I'm not sure it is).
P16. Seeing Benny perhaps should be another POV minislug.
P17. Tom creeps up slowly. The house Renner went behind has
boarded up windows. A sheriff's sale notice in the window.
We've reached a new location here so a new scene heading is required.
I'm finding the use of “. . .” a little distracting, especailly in the middle of dialogue. Why are they double spaced?
P20. A little problem here that I'm not sure what to suggest. Renner is still called Renner in the script but has just said he isn't Renner and named himself Bob. Does this give something away? I'll know later...
P25. INT. CITY LIBRARY - BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS A misuse of continuous , we didn't follow the characters here. This happens a few more times in the script and need switching out.
You're doing something I sometimes slip up on – the way people speak in the real world. Some of the dialogue is clunky but easily tweaked by reading it out loud. “cannot” – should be “can't”, “There is” should be “there's” etc. Some characters do speak without contractions (Data) but save it for a stand out character or oddball lol.
I think the act1 to act2 transition is Tom now actively seeking the truth about “Bob/Renner” I want to read on and find out what happens so that's good...
P29 typo - Why would you need to to know that?
P30 typo “I saw that Mr. Renner kill himself”
p31. Okay, at this point I'm wondering why no one has suggested that maybe Renner had a twin?
P31. Typo “I think we've established he'd dead”
P32. Drop the “then” from the action, “he then stalks off” reads better as “he stalks off” etc.
p33. Oh dear, be careful when character's go into a monologue when they're alone. The fewer words he says to himself the better (if he has totally gone nuts at this point, throw in some fidgety eyes and strange movements to compound the fact)
Am enjoying Miranda's growing hatred of Tom, she's a right bitch lol!
Tom is certainly alone here!
“What in Hell would you want with an old newspaper from the library?” I think she knows why at this point.
P37. Is the VO trimmed as much as possible without losing the information? Big chunks of dialogue like that, especially in VO are a nightmare to get past.
P38. Okay now Renner has switched to Ben. The nightmare sequence has to be restructured, a very jaunted read.
P43. After poor Tom's spiral and being out there alone it's good to  get someone who could help him out.
P53. You call David “Dave” best to keep things constant.
P55. Is David meant to have forgotten the president’s visit? To illustrate that he embarrasses his father? Surely the FBI would be on full alert and taking all leads seriously.
P57. There have been a few comic touches  in the script, David falling out of bed, the newspaper thing earlier etc. Tom has had a few prat falls. So far I'm getting 'thriller' and not sure these moments help with your atmosphere.
P59. Not sure David would tell John about the dream.
P59. Hmmm, I doubt that David would hand the investigation to Tom here.
P60. Need a SERIES OF SHOTS here.
P61. Bob Arnold? Bob Jacobs was introduced earlier as Renner's alias so that stopped me dead and I had to go back to re-read. You need more memorable names at least. so far we have Tom, Bob, John, David, Paul, etc. Memorable names go a little way to making memorable characters but a good name at least provides a solid start to build on.
P64. Needless exposition!
P70. Why would Renner risk attacking John when he has no evidence and so far has let Tom and David get away with all sorts? Seems a strange choice of target especailly when Renner already knows Tom is on to him.
P80. Bad news I'm afraid, you lost me here and I started skipping here and there. Act3 needs some serious tightening up.
P84. GOOD! That's raising the stakes!
P94. Just a little thing - The elderly man's lines break up the tension.
P94. The “Damn Silencer” line is odd. I can see why you wrote it, but put it in the action line, “A spray of blood as a silenced bullet hits Tom's arm” don't have a character tell us it's silenced, not when he's just been shot!
P95-P96 the timer has lost two minutes in about a page with no scene breaks. Put in a scene break to suggest passing time or change the read out.
P96. Where does he throw the bomb? That is one hell of a mighty throw if there was no casualties!!!
If it had such a small blast radius, it must have been very close to the president and wasn't hidden well enough to be missed by Secret Service.

Overall, It kept me reading until about page 50. But started to fall apart about mipoint with lots of unbelievable stuff happening. Needs a severe re-write for the second half but you have some good foundations down (the family breaking apart and Tom's decent into madness – THESE should be your angles, not the FBI. David and John were non-entities and not needed).
It started out quite intriguing and I wanted to read on to find out what happens to Tom and who Renner was but felt let down that it was a simple kill the president plot.
It reminded me in the early pages of that Tim Robbins movie Arlington Road but then lost its way about midpoint and the ending was a let down.
One major thing that bothers me is I have to agree with what David said – why now, after all these years does he re-surface. Maybe have some acts of terrorism in the newspaper articles suggesting that Renner has been very active and responsible for lots of bombings over the past 4 decades?

Well done on finishing, I think you were rushed for time by the end but worth rewriting when you have time to let it breathe.

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Posted: May 8th, 2012, 12:27pm Report to Moderator

New York
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Finally finished it. Looks like Act 3 starts right around the time John gets hit on the head. Right on cue at about page 67-70.

pg 73 -
As Bob walks away, Tom keeps at him
Please Mr. Arnold, tell the others
just to stay away from this.  We
see what he can do.

I think you meant Tom on this exchange.

The parts with John and his friends felt expositionary.

No mention of Tom's family until the end. Maybe a phone call to Miranda at least?

The part when Tom gets drunk feels like comedy relief. I'm not sure if this is intended. It only stuck out for me because there wasn't much comedy relief prior to the drunk scene.

Also, I'm not sure about FBI procedures, but I found it somewhat hard to believe that a pro FBI agent would just take Tom into a stakeout like that. I know Tom's a witness, but taking a civilian close to harm's way might not be FBI procedure.

How big is the tent? Just asking because Mike throws the bomb out of the tent. I know he plays football but I questioned his ability to throw that over the tent when I first read it.

By the end, I still didn't get how Renner survived the gunshot from the suicide. Of course, this was from Tom's memory so it might not be based on reality.

The story felt like a story of first halves. First half had intrigue and good drama built into it. Then you strayed away from the drama on the second half and focused on the mystery aspects with the underground terrorist organization. Would have been nice to add more drama or spice it up with the drama here and there on the second half.

For an early draft, it's still a clean fast read. Nice intrigue on the 1st half, but the emotional tension from the first half didn't carry into the second. I think this is where you can strengthen the story.
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Posted: May 8th, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
Been Around

The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Barberton, OH
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Quoted Text
with time and effort, you could turn this into a serviceable screenplay

In the immortal words of Jack Burton - "Hey, what more could a guy ask?"  

I'll go through everyone's notes in detail during the night.  Thanks for reading!

ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 9th, 2012, 2:37pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
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I started with your script today. I thought I would have time to finish it, but the phones kept ringing and interrupting me constantly. Hopefully, I will be able to finish tomorrow.

I've read the 1st 20 pages and so far I like it for the most part. You have me intrigued enough to want to continue. Which is very good of course. I find the story interesting and I want to know more about Mr. Renner.

The characters are in my opinion a little bland so far. Maybe that will change.

Your writing is okay, but IMHO could definitely be tightened up.

The following are page by page comments I made while reading your script.

Page 3. On the introduction of Mike, I would skip the 2 words " just then". It is obvious it is happening just then.

Also, your description of him doesn't really say a lot. Neither does the descriptions of your other characters. I suppose descriptions are not really necessary since a director or producer or a custom person will decide what they are eventually going to look like. However, without any descriptions at all, we are left without any idea whatsoever of the characters' personality. They are left blank in our minds until we get much further into the story and we start to see some character development. I am not good myself at writing character descriptions, but I always try to offer up something at the minimum to help the reader to form a picture of each character.

Page 4. How are we supposed to know that Barry Renner (61) is the same person as the one who shot himself in 1971? A viewing audience is not privy to his name. Not as a 20-year-old or as the 61-year-old. It's easy for me who is reading to tell they have the same name but for someone who doesn't know… Perhaps if you gave him a certain visual characteristic. Like maybe one of his arms or hands have been amputated or something like that. Something permanent so we can connect them.

Page 5. You use the description of Tom as a wild man twice in a row. Feels repetitive.

I am not sure what software you are using, but I would suggest adding another line before the slug lines. Making the new scenes stick out a little more for easier identification, you might even want to consider making slug lines in bold.

Page 6. Just a thought. Would a 12-year-old cuss at home like that? I suppose they do in some families, I just couldn't picture this family to be one of those.

Miranda takes a couple of deep breaths and counts to 10. That's a long time on screen to watch someone not doing anything. I would skip the count to 10 part. Just say she takes a couple of deep breaths to calm down or such.

We often read in scripts about people sobbing and tears rolling down my cheeks, but how often in film do you actually see a grown man crying? That action seems a little bit too much to me right here.

Page 7. Tom says Mir a lot. Almost every time he addresses her. I don't know about you, but I don't mention peoples name every time I talk to them.

Page 8. Miranda is looking for an escape route. Is she afraid of him? That seems a little weird. I mean, it's not like they are strangers. They are married. I know he is acting wacko, but still…

A lot of repetitiveness in dialogue especially using names.

Page 10. Tom hops off the bed. Mike hops out. Greg hops up.  Try to not be so repetitive with certain words and names in your action paragraphs as well as the dialogues.

You gave Beth a hyphenated last name. I'm wondering if this is important, if so, how would an audience know this?

Page 11. I'm curious as to why Greg and Beth are anxious and nervous. I hope we find out soon, otherwise that makes no sense. LOL! That is answered on the next page.

Page 12. Very good going back and forth between the scenes with the men and women.

Just a suggestion, but for better affect, you could have other people around them staring at them or something. At the least the men.

Page 13. I would skip the … In Greg's dialogue. It adds an extra line with just a dot on it. Also, there should be no space between each dot.

Page 14. Greg reminds Tom to mind his language. This is what I meant with Mike cursing at home. These people are clearly not the type that cusses so it seems weird to me that he would do so at home when he is only 12.

Are you sure that panic is the right emotion here for Miranda?

Page 15. You are often telling us what the characters feel or think. Try to show us instead. The director of one of my features told me that was one reason he likes my scripts. Apparently I show rather than tell.

Page 18. Definition of creeps…

to move slowly with the body close to the ground, as a reptile or an insect, or a person on hands and knees.

to approach slowly, imperceptibly, or stealthily

to move or advance slowly or gradually

to sneak up behind someone or without someone's knowledge

No reason to write that he creeps slowly since that is what creeps means. I only mentioned it as an example of overwriting and not using the best action verbs possible.  

Typo in Renner's dialogue. Who are are you?

Page 19. What has overtones?

I admit that I am a cold hard Swede, but I don't like to see Tom near tears here again. He has just been told that Renner is not Renner, but Bob Jacobs. Doesn't he realize that maybe they just look similar, but he has made a mistake? He should be relieved, not start crying again. IMHO, this is not the type of "hero" we want to see on film. Maybe I'm wrong and others would love to, but…

Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Posted: May 10th, 2012, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Steven. As promised!


Let me start by saying that I'm a really picky guy when it comes to movies/feature scripts. I note down anything that I feel is important so just keep up with me. I'd also like to say that I'm totally new to this and others might disagree with my opinion.

Now, for the review! The idea you present in your logline is amazing, I love it, but the problem is your script doesn't deliver. Everything you mention in the logline does happen, but that's not the focus of the story. It was in the first half, but not later on. Like somebody mentioned above, it turned into some "Save the President!" type story.

You say the genre is thriller, but I didn't get many thrills after he starts taking the photos. That's a big problem with the script, as it's not a thriller.

As I said above, the logline, I really dig it, as the idea is great. Perfect, even. IMO, scrap everything with the FBI, John Kemp, President, terrorist. It's not needed, it really dumbs the quality of the script down for me. I was really disappointed that it wasn't some mind-blowing psychological thriller, but some Stop the Bad Guys story. Focus more on Tom's insanity, make a great twist at the end, as that's the only way your story will work IMO.

Now, I see this as the biggest problem in the script. Your dialogue, it was just so unnatural, it's as if the characters were made to say it. It felt forced, and that's one of the things which really took me out of the story. You mention their names every second bit of dialogue, and it dumbs the script down. You also state the obvious too many times, it just didn't work for me (excluding John Kemp).

The gradual build up of Tom's insanity could've flowed better IMO. At times, it would feel like he's angry and tries to defend himself when somebody tells him he's a nut, while other times he just shakes it off and tries to bullshit his way out of the convo. IMO, stick to one, and see how it goes.

I felt that the beginning needed to be a little bit longer, just so we get a better feel of Tom. You were doing great, but I think he sees Renner too early in the script. Show us a little bit more about his life, maybe some of his mates, him watching his favourite football team, anything!

The nightmares that Tom kept having in the script were really well done, I really enjoyed that, and if you do dump all the FBI and President crap, and focus on John's insanity, the dreams could work really well.

And then there's Mike, who needs to be polished a little more. For a 12 year old, he certainly is smart. Make him older, 14 would be nice. Also, you need to show a little more of the hatred building up at his father. At times, it would be that he doesn't mind that all this is happening, while at other times he'd seem really angry at his father.

Now, Mir, Tom's Wife. Hate to say this, but she came off as a total bitch, like wow. I'm not sure if you intended this, but she drove me up the wall. It's not a bad thing, but you could try and show more of her relationship with Tom before it turns to dog shit.

I can't say I hated Tom, he seemed like a nice guy, but the focus of the story sometimes shifts away from him, and it shouldn't, because he's the main character.

And with these Dream Sequences, it all just fell apart because of your setup. It felt like you just needed an excuse for Tom to do what he does at the end, which is foil the plan to blow up the president. And I don't like that, because Renner could've been anyone, it didn't matter if he was the dude who committed suicide, he could've been some Janitor who worked at Tom's workplace. That's also another reason why I think you should ditch that President and FBI stuff.

Steven, if I came off as a dick, I apologize. That was not my intent in any way. The feature was completed in 7 weeks and I know without a time limit, you could've written an awesome script. I didn't hate the script, I just thought it strayed away from the original idea, when it shouldn't, as the idea was awesome.

Congratulations on finishing a feature.

Here are the notes I took.

Page 1: Missing comma in first sentence.

Had to read the second sentence a few times to understand it, but might just be me.

"distant car tires can be heard screech to a halt" Do you mean screeching to a halt?

Hmm, I would've liked it if you dragged the convo between the officers and Renner a little longer, but it's not bad the way it is now.

Page 2: No description of the characters?

Page 2/3: So, what was it again? A dream??? Cut some of that out.

Typical twelve year old clothes? C'mon! You can do better than that.  

Strange, you give Clarence a proper description but you leave out the main characters?

Page 5: Wild man twice on the same page? Try and change it up a bit.

Page 6: She ignores him while he cries? Hmm...

General Note: Cut down on the names in dialogue, just gotta remember that they know each other so it doesn't really fit if they keep mentioning each other's names.

Page 7/8: The dialogue here isn't working very well, IMO. Miranda keeps shifting her focus, sometimes she's scared, while other times she treats it like nothing happened.

General Note: A lot of instances where you could've taken "and" out. I only recently learned this but it makes the read faster and tighter.

"He doesn't look manic now." Change that.

Again, how does he suddenly go from being a maniac to "I understand, you're right." The dialogue is really on the nose, you're trying to tell us his thoughts, and it's not working for me. Why the sudden change? Also, take all those names away!

"He just looked so... Those eyes..."

Page 9: The dialogue, Steven!   Why would he just wake up and tell her he didn't have the nightmare? It's just not believable, especially the way he says it. Have him say it later on, the next time he confronts his wife.

Page 10: Could use more descriptions for the Hawthorns.  

Page 12/13: I think an intercut could be used here? Not sure.

Page 15: I think it would work better if Tom isn't cheering, so he's the odd one out.

Like how he sees him, great mystery there.

Page 18: Cut the second "My name is not Renner."

Page 20: The dialogue from that bit on, between Miranda and Tom, that's how it should be done. It sounded real, but everything they said to each other before that was very unbelievable.

Page 24: "normal breakfast preparations" Normal? Like cereal? Or toast? Be more specific.

I think Continuious is only used when the scene shifts to another that occurs at the same time. Not sure? Should check up on that.

Page 25: "can not remove" Cannot is one word, but IMO it would work better as can't.

Page 26: Fist pumps? It can't be that good!  

Page 29: You used an unfilmable instead of a description.

Tom and Thompson?

Page 34: He yells at himself? He must be crazy!  

Page 37: This newspaper is from 40 years ago? If so, I'm not sure that there were many terrorists then? But, who gives a s***!

Page 41: An FBI agent comes to him cause he gave them a little call? How would they know it wasn't a prank? Can you even call the FBI??? I'm not really sure about this, as I'm not American, but it just doesn't seem right.

Page 44: He walks in the street and somehow runs into Renner again? That really doesn't work for me. It might seem like the only way to do this, but there has got to be another way.

Page 47: You should make Mike a little older, his dialogue doesn't seem like it's froma  12 year old.

Mike starts crying!  The line before that was delivered well, but if he cries right after, it doesn't match IMO.

Page 51: An FBI agent looking at the pictures? Fire him immediately!  

Page 52: Keep mum?

Page 55: John Kemp, great character.

Page 67: Think you needed a POV here.

Page 72: "Dave, what the Hell happened?  Do you know?  The cops won't tell me what happened. " Change that.

Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 10th, 2012, 12:32pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day
Okay, picking up from where I ended yesterday.  I only had time to make it to page 51 today. The plot thickens LOL!

As I mention later here, I do enjoy the plotting so far. I think you have done a good job on an early draft. As you get more and more comments on your script you will see what works and what doesn't. I think you'll get a good idea of what changes need to be made. I will continue tomorrow again.  

Page 21. Miranda comes off a little bit like a bitch by breaking his sunglasses. They are not college students on a date that has gone bad. They are a married couple with a kid. With her acting like that, I instantly took a dislike to her.

Page 22. I'm having a little bit of trouble with Tom's dialogue. Lots of pauses and repetitiveness. I use… to show a pause or hesitation in dialogue too sometimes, however, no actor will read your dialogue exactly as written. Actors will get into character and act the way they feel suits the character best. They will decide how their character will talk.

Tom comes across as very weak here. He does not stand up to Miranda at all.

Page 23. Miranda has had enough. I think you can scratch that line.

Page 24. Tom jumps as his cell phone vibrates in his pocket. Perhaps jump is a bit strong there I would think.

Page 25. The librarian says Sir 3 times. Lots of repetitiveness again. Easy to fix though.

Do they keep old newspapers or do they keep them on microfiche? Also, would the library let things get dusty like that? Just lunatics I know, but I just thought I would mention it

Page 26. Miranda grinds her teeth. That struck me as funny. Did you intend for the audience to hear her grind her teeth? I'm sure you did not intend for it to be funny. Perhaps you could find another way to describe her reaction.

Page 26. A plate of cold food sits in front of Tom's chair. Why not write that an untouched plate of food sits there since the audience cannot see the temperature of the food. When you describe things, try to think how an audience sees it.

Page 27. Again, you have Tom shaking like a leaf. That is not how we like to see our hero act. I feel strongly about this. In my humble opinion, I think it is crucial in your rewrite to give Tom a spine. Right now he does not have one and that does not make for a good hero/protagonist.

Page 28. I am slowly growing a hatred towards Miranda. She acts like a major bitch. She sent him to sleep on the couch like punishment as if he was a dog that has done something bad. Not to mention that she throws his glass at his head. Very unpleasant person indeed.

I do like the moments where Tom takes action. I liked how he went to the library to do some research and I like how he went to the police chief. That works. We want to see our hero take action. Not just be pushed around by a bitchy wife.

Page 31. Tom seems to go from a spineless coward too crazy and back a lot. Again, I think Tom's reaction here with the police chief is a little too much. In my humble opinion, his eyes should not be that of a crazy person at this moment. It might work better if Tom comes across more as a paranoid person rather than crazy.

Small typo. He'd dead.

As I mentioned yesterday in my 1st comments, I think there needs to be something much stronger visually to link the 1971 Mr. Renner and the present-day Mr. Renner. Just having, insisting that the 2 have the same eyes is not enough. It is not enough to convince an audience or me and should not be enough for Tom either.

Page 32. I just had a thought. On this page you say that Tom shoots to standing position. I think one reason this script does not come across the way you probably intended it to is your choice of action verbs. It is super important to choose the right one. A lot of your choices makes the character's actions overreacted almost comical. It sends the wrong images to the reader. I am nobody and you should take everything I say with a grain of salt, but my suggestion would be to go over the whole script and carefully choose the right action verb. I think that would greatly improve the overall impression of this script.

Page 33. Tom seems there. Sits where? I thought this was outside in the parking lot.

No need for him to talk to himself. Instead, show us the newspaper. Let him run his finger over the important parts that you want an audience to see. Remember, show don't tell.

Question. The people at Julie called obituaries obit? I have never heard anyone call it that. If some people call it that, it still seems weird to use that abbreviation in your action paragraph.

He does a lot of talking to himself here. If you can, try to show us as much as possible rather than have him tell us.

Page 34. Tom practically rips the newspaper. Does that mean literally? He actually tears the newspaper apart?

Page 36. In my opinion, it would work better if Miranda was a little bit more compassionate instead of this bitch. I mean, if she loves her husband, would she not want to help him instead of hurting him. She should be concerned. Perhaps she could go to a psychologist and talk about him or something instead of just yelling and throwing things at him all the time.

Again, due to the character's actions, here Tom is groping down his pants, this comes off more comical than you probably intended. This is supposed to be a thriller and it is important to keep the consistent tone and vibe throughout.

I am currently on page 37 and I just wanted to let you know that I do like your plotting. I like the premise of this script. I really do. I just wanted to tell you that so you don't think I hate it. Because I don't. It just needs a rewrite.

Page 39. Here you describe Tom as being cowed and timid. Again, not something we'd like to see in our heroes.

Page 41. LATER should not be used when we move to an entirely different scene. Later should only be used when what we see on screen is the same place, just later. This slug line INT. CITY DRUGSTORE should have a proper DAY or NIGHT.

Rather strange scene there with Tom and agent David Kemp…

It seems a little sloppy for you to introduce the FBI agent as David and also use David for his dialogue, but start to call him Dave in your action paragraphs.

Page 42. Slight overreaction again I think with Tom acting hysterical.

Not sure where this story takes place, but if this FBI agent came all the way from Akron Ohio, he's sure got there fast.

Page 44. Seems rather convenient that not only is the police building near Tom's office, but apparently there is also a hardware store where Mr. Renner just happens to come out of.

Page 45. Not very smart of Mr. Renner in my opinion to buy all the supplies for pipe bombs in one place and even dumber to leave the items in the load bed of a pickup truck for anyone to see or steal while he goes into the store. And it gets even dumber when he goes to a redneck bar and not only leaves the pipe bomb material, but also that gun shop materials in the open in the back of his pickup…

Tom's conversation with Mike is a weird to me. It's only been what, 3 days, 4 days? I don't think it's time for a kid to say to his dad you never around anymore. Seems a little early for that I think. I can see if it was weeks or months, but just a few days?

Ditto that for Miranda hating him already. If she hates him already after a few days, their relationship must have been pretty rocky already.

Page 49. Again, LATER is not the right word for this slug line since the scene is entirely different from the previous one.

Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Posted: May 12th, 2012, 3:42am Report to Moderator
Been Around

The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Barberton, OH
Posts Per Day
Woof.  Quite a potpourri of thoughts and ideas but with one common thread -- this script sucks.    Not the beginning, but the second half loses everyone, it seems.  I am already working on a rewrite, based on technical and subjective suggestions here in this thread.  

I have strengthened the dialog in the first act, delineated the dream sequences with BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE and END DREAM SEQUENCE, changed the scene where Tom sees the older Renner to better portay Tom's position as in or out of the drug store and changed the flashback to a montage of shots so as to better show the fact that it's the eyes of Renner that reveal him to Tom (Although I considered giving Renner a hook for a hand in deference to Pia's suggestion)

I have removed what Pia saw as the weakness in our hero, and instead, he b***h-slaps Miranda, straps on a couple of Uzis and grabs an over-under shotgun, goes to the abandoned house and blows away the SOB!     Just kidding, but I have removed the sobbing and changed it to just a mentally agitated state.

Also, since Miranda seems to have rubbed people in a way that I never actually anticipated, I am going to drastically alter her character as well.

I have decided that the President plot and the FBI are going to go.  I haven't totally sketched it out yet, but I believe I will go with more of a pyshological battle of wits between Tom and Renner.  Renner was a part of the Weather Underground, which was a domestic terrorist group of sorts, who wanted the US government to stop its Imperialistic policies.  While I agree with the basic tenets of the Weather Underground, I do not agree with using terrorist tactics to achieve it.  However, we will find that Tom traces Renner's actions in the past based on newspaper accounts of attacks and whatnot, and winds up going head to head with Renner as he tries to outsmart and stop him in future attacks.  Which, of course, will open up Miranda and Mike to danger -- as all superheroes have to worry about if anyone finds out their secret identity.

I have also fixed my ellipses, and will be removing the majority of them before it's done.

Two people do NOT use each other's names as often as I portrayed.  To be honest, I believe I know why this happened: I wrote each line as though it was a standalone statement, NOT part of an interaction.  Does that make sense?  Oddly enough, it does to me.

As to my usage of some words.  I used these words correctly.

From Merriam Webster online -

sidle - to go or move with one side foremost especially in a furtive advance
   Example: He sidled up to me and slipped me a note

Assent - to agree to something especially after thoughtful consideration
Ascent - the act of rising or mounting upward

I really appreciate all of the careful reading and awesome input on this.  I already think the technical advice and story ideas you've inspired will make this a much better script.  Hopefully even better than serviceable!  

I appreciate any further input anyone has, and I am by no means done reading other scripts as well.  Work has been a BEAST this week!

P.S. - Pia, the layout of this small Ohio town is based on the town I grew up in.  The Police station shares the same building as the City Hall, the library sits two doors down right behind it (visible from the back parking lot), and Houglan's Hardware was right across the street.  Welcome to small town America, population 18,000 when I moved out.  35, 000 now that the yuppies have descended!  

ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.

Revision History (1 edits)
steven8  -  May 12th, 2012, 5:50am
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Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 12th, 2012, 3:33pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day

I wish you had described the town early on as small town. After I read your comments that it was based on a very small town where you grew up, I could not help but think over Mayberry as I continued to read. This is script had a sort of goofy feel to it. Almost like Tom was Barney Fife. I don't mean that in a bad way.

I also read your comments where you said this script sucked. You should not feel bad, all 1st drafts suck. That is why there are rewrites left to do. To take the comments you receive an turn this into something great. As I have mentioned now several times. The story and the premise are good. Look at your story and the premise of it as a tree in winter without leaves. Some of the leaves that you put on your tree just didn't work. But that is all. You can definitely fix this one up and make it really good.

I had a lot of issues with things as I read and I had mentioned them to you. My biggest ones were the unbelievable stuff with the FBI. I like the whole conspiracy theory, I really did, but what these people did or didn't do is what made it unbelievable. The other big issue I had was with Tom himself. I did not feel he was our hero at all. Like I said more like an over the top character like Barney Fife.

I am also not sure that this was really a thriller. And as I mentioned in my comments too, some of the descriptions were over the top and made it feel comedic rather than thriller like.

Anyway, I think you should be very proud of yourself for having finished a 1st draft. You will see in everybody's comments where it is you need to fix things. Especially those that I mentioned several times with different readers.

So, here are the last of my comments and I hope that you can find them helpful in some way.


Page 54. John says, but I always believe the police were in on the fake. Now I'm not so sure. Wouldn't he be more sure now after what Tom told him?

Page 56. Okay, so is Mr. Renner going to use a pipe bomb when the president comes for a visit? Pipe bombs mostly do damage right near where the bomb it's so Mr. Renner must be planning on getting very close to the president and I am wondering how he is planning on doing that since the Secret Service checks everything thoroughly days in advance.

Another issue I'm having here is that David is an FBI agent. I highly doubt that they start chumming up with people they just met and include them to work with them especially on a big thing like this.

It would be good if you at this point added a " timeclock”. You could do that by setting a time in the newspaper article that mentions when the president is coming. And then have one of them say, for example, holy shit that's only one day away. Or something to that effect. That would help to put a little bit of nail biting to this thriller.

Page 57. David is rather clumsy for a professionally trained FBI agent…

Page 58. Tom starts to shake and has tears in his eyes. Why? Out of fear? Then David tells him it's okay. Were going to nail this asshole. Don't you worry… He sounds like he's Tom's mother and Tom is a scared little kid. Again, in my humble opinion, this does not work for our hero.

Page 59. Ah, I see you added a time clock.

Page 62. This is getting a little too unrealistic for my taste I think. An attempt on the president's life is probably considered a little bit more important than letting someone like Tom work on it with the FBI. I would imagine the FBI would absolutely get with the Secret Service and find out absolutely everything they could about Mr. Renner. what he is up to. What he has been up to lately. His past. In short, everything. I cannot imagine it only beginning agent David his 78-year-old retired dad and their complete stranger, Tom.

David says that the FBI has been contacted today and that they should keep their eyes open for anything odd. Well, they have something odd. They have a guy buying pipe bomb materials…

This is supposed to be a thriller. I have to be honest, but watching four old men in their 70s sit around and talk and drink coffee and doughnuts does not make much of a thriller.

Page 64. Small typo. So far, it beats sitting in your car…

Page 65. John says, you mean the office admit they were wrong all these years?… I would hope so. It is about the president's safety after all.

Also, why would they give an old retired FBI agent the president's itinerary? I don't see how he in any way would be entitled to that.

Page 66. Any number in dialogue should be spelled out. One hundred percent. Otherwise it throws off that 1 min. per page thing. Which is also why we use Courier font.

Again, LATER is misused here.

Page 67. Ditto that with the CONTINUOUS on this page. It is a different scene in a different place with different people. Therefore, it is not continuous.

Page 68. I could be wrong, but I don't know too many men that shave before they go to bed. When you wake up with a 5 o'clock shadow and have to shave again. Just a thought.

John hums to himself is repeated twice.

What happened here? Last I saw Dave and Tom was at the middle school where everyone was meeting up. Now they are at the abandoned house and so are apparently the bad guys as well.

Page 69. They are assembling pipe bombs in front of an uncovered window at night? I guess these guys are not the brightest crayons in the box.

Yeah, that was rather clumsy old and FBI agent to not turn off the ring tone on his cell phone went on a stakeout.

Page 71. Right now I am wondering what happened to Tom's family. Did you totally forget about them? It seems rather odd that we have not heard from them at all and he doesn't seem to care either.

David doesn't seem too upset that his dad has been beaten to hell.

I am on page 73 now. I had to take a break yesterday, we get real busy at work. So this is what I picked up today and because of your misuse of LATER, I have no idea if this is daytime or nighttime. I don't remember when I left off yesterday if it was day or night. In other words, just the next sample where it works better to simply write DAY or NIGHT at the end of the slug lines. I have no idea why people don't want to do it anymore. It makes it easier for the reader and also from a production standpoint.

Page 73. Wrong character name near the bottom of the page. Bob Arnold should be Tom.

Page 74. Now we move inside John's house. The slug line ends with continuous. So, I still have no idea if this is day or night. It's not the wrong usage of continuous, I'm just pointing out that it still does not tell me the time.

Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
Grandma Bear
Posted: May 12th, 2012, 3:34pm Report to Moderator

The Swamp...
Posts Per Day
Page 75. He lunges at him. Again, I think that verb is too strong.

Page 76. I guess John wrote the name on the piece of paper? By the way, I am wondering here is David stole that piece of evidence or did that cop let him take it?

You are going to get tired of me repeating this over and over. I can't help it though. I have to. If I don't, I would feel like I cheated. Okay, now we move on to David's apartment inside the kitchen and again, your slug line ends with LATER. I still have no idea if this is day or night. I was thinking it might be night time, but Tom sits at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper. Hmmm, that sounds almost like morning to me. Do you see how important it is with proper slug lines? It is also not correct to use LATER here because it is a new place and a new scene.

Page 77. Okay, we go from Dave's kitchen and Dave telling Tom that they are going to sleep now. BUT, the following scene is David and Tom with 2 other FBI agents at the middle school at night!! That is not a very good scene transition. What happened between them going to sleep and the following night? A whole day went by and nothing happened? That does not work. Something has to come between those 2 scenes.

They make their way. Those words appear in 2 consecutive sentences. Try to reword that.

Page 78. Since Vic and Adam are not in the same place as Tom and Dave and their voices are on the walkie-talkie, there should be a mention of that. You can do with several different ways. One way of doing it is adding under their names (on radio).

Page 80. okay, reality check. Mr. Renner has just told an FBI agent that he plans on killing the president. Saying something like that would land you in jail right away. This should be enough for David to call in the big guns. FBI, Secret Service, anybody and everybody. It is now official what Mr. Renner's plans are. No more Dave and Tom playing around. This is too big for them obviously.

I am also curious as how Mr. Renner is planning on killing the president. I think a pipe bomb is probably one of the worst ideas ever. I could be wrong of course and this is a movie after all. I suppose anything can happen.

Page 81. Typo. Huge crown of people…

Page 82. Now they are in David's kitchen drinking coffee. What time is it now? Morning? Night?

Page 83. Tom's phone vibrates in his pocket. Do we actually see it vibrate? Probably would look, funny actually.

Page 84. Mike tells his dad that he's teacher wants to show them where the president is going to speak. I wonder why he wants to do that when they apparently are going to watch him anyway.

I have to say, that the plotting and your structure is actually fine. And this conflict here with Tom's son fits right in at this point in the story. However, it's the unbelievability of what these adults are doing or not doing that brings the script down. Like I said the premise is great and your structure is fine.

Page 85. One problem I am having here is that Tom freaks out over his son going to be at the president's speech. That's very noble of him to worry about his own son, but what about all the other kids that are going to be there? Shouldn't he fear for their lives too?

Tom sinks onto the curb and covers his head in disbelief. The only thing I have to say to that is, call the damn Secret Service!!!!!! Or the real FBI!!!! The police anybody. Somebody more competent than Tom!!!!

Now we are back at David's apartment. Tom sits at the table again now with a bunch of empty beer cans. Last we saw him he was at the library where he talked to his son on the phone. Here at the apartment we are informed that this is LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!     not a very good transition again as well. We went from kitchen library back to the kitchen. Not very exciting if you ask me.

We also have another description on this page that makes this more comical them was a thriller should be. Vic and Adam almost plow into Dave. And why on earth are Vic and Adam nervous?

Page 86. Tom picks up his chair and swings it around. These 2 comes off more comical than serious. At least to me. Must also be a big kitchen to be able to do that in a one-bedroom apartment.

Page 87. So Tom got wasted in the middle of the day and he is now going to sleep again. I am not too fond of them spending so much time in a one bedroom apartment. This is a thriller with a lot at stake here they should be out working trying to prevent Mr. Renner from killing the president. Have them force Tom to sober up instead. Put pressure on him. Remind us how we are running out of time. Be clever. Get out there working. Move this story forward.

I don't think we need this many dream sequences from Tom.

Here we are again back at the apartment. Now it's night time. So what happened during this day? All I know is that Tom went to the library where he talked to his son on the phone then he got back to the apartment and get drunk and then he slept and had another nightmare and now it's night. What a waste of a day. What did the other guys do? Basically, in the last 24 hours, all we learned is that his son is going to be at the president's speech………….

Page 88. If I'm not wrong, today is the day the president will come to town and Mr. Renner will try to kill him. And what are our guys doing? They are yet again, sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast!!!

Big applause! LATER is used correctly!  

Page 90. How did the chief Thompson get in looking like a Secret Service agent and carrying a briefcase? I would imagine that most of the Secret Service agents that are there would at least kind of know each other. I can't imagine it being that easy to get past Secret Service. If it was, then any killer or terrorist would just have to dress up like a Secret Service agent to get near the president.

Page 93. The president is out on the stage, the band is playing hail to the chief and there's a long line at the concession stand? Why would people be at the concession stand? Did they not come to see the president?

Page 94. So, how exactly did Mr. Renner get past security with a gun and a dark object with a digital timer?

Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 6:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
Posts Per Day

Up to p58 - here's the notes so far.

In general i would say we need to empathise more with Tom which is key to keeping us in the script.

Try and finish the rest later.

Radical forecast - feedback

P2 bolts upright in bed. Why do scripts have this, and i dont mean just yours, it s hollywood cliche. Does naybody really bolt upright in the middle of the night?
P2 No miranda, is the miranda part needed?
P2 dreams - so do we conclude he has more than one type - we shall see
p3 right so now its just that dream - why doesnt she beleive him, doesnt sound unreasonable?
p3 dad needs a cap
p4 41 years between the experiences and tom recongises him?
P6 dont think you need a full slug just LOUNGE
p6 Tom sits there - there not needed
p7 this feels a  bit over the top
p8 ok the man is bothered by his dreams but rather than develop this fear, mental health issue, you start off with him already on the edge. Just saying.
P9 - not sure about his reasoning for a lack of dream
P10 dont understand miranda here - she just sleepy?
p12 not sure on the use of continuous
in genral your spacing of the dots ... is too wide
p14 it spossible that Toms reaction is sensible but o me it seems all over the place. afterall the previous scene had him happy that he had no dream. woundlt the normal reaction be to pass it off, had a bad day, feeling better now etc
p16 “right to a man etc...” doesnt sound good
p20 exchanage with renner or whoever he is
p32 important discovery - i always wonder why these  private meetings take place in public , visble from a car aprk?
p37 as thes eare clealry dreams then i sugegst this is in the slug as Dream sequence or something like that
p40 section eight - lost me
p41 would not think tom would have tried to look at the budget? we’re beginning to loose sympathy with him
p42 so father and son were in FBI - how does Tom know that? did i miss something
p43 i wonder why Tom is sure of the connection?

Overall - we need to feel sympathy/empathy with Tom. I feel we dont have that. His actions are hurting people, letting them down etc Its all about him.

P44 renner just happens to get his hardware from across the road?
p53 not sure why dvaid would be defalted, wouldnt he be impressed, interested that the hunch he had is proving right and he has a chance on this?
P56 stays at kemps house?

Finished at 58 for now.

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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