SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2022, 6:59am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Radical Forecast - 7WC Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Radical Forecast - 7WC  (currently 3770 views)
CoopBazinga
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 10:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1180
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hey Steven,

Thought I would give your script a read tonight, hoping to read all the 7WC scripts over time but with a bit of free time decided on yours.

I like the logline, sounds intriguing although I have no idea what your title means or it’s relevance to your story? Hopefully this will become clear once finished. It sounds more like a natural disaster film like “Twister” we’ll see.

Anyway.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 “The room fills with red and blue strobe lights” Very awkward IMO.

“car tires can be heard screech to a halt.” Should be screeching or “car tires SCREECH to a halt” might read better.

“slam and faint” I don’t understand the “faint” in this sentence?

Feel the scene with the policemen and Renner needs a change of slug or P.O.V transition here.

“The policemen have a searchlight” Why would they be carrying a searchlight, it was two cars and that is some big equipment to be carrying around.

“This is your fault!” That’s a bit harsh; they’re just doing their jobs.

P.2 “INT. KERSHAW RESIDENCE - BEDROOM – NIGHT”

Okay a picky comment but I have to question this slug, it’s the same as the previous one which makes me think we’re still in the same room from when he was 6 which seems unlikely. Maybe they are and that Snoopy bedside light is still there as well.

“TOM KERSHAW” Thought he was called Tommy?

“Then she spots Tom.” The “then” is unneeded here.

“You're not getting deep enough asleep.” This reads wrong IMO.

P.3 “dream” needs to be cut down in the dialogue here.

“Just then MIKE KERSHAW” Get rid of “just then” IMO. No need to start a sentence like this and it’s wasted space.

“Typical twelve year old clothes.” Very vague and so far there hasn’t been one description for any of the characters…maybe there coming?

“Give Wagner a call” I’m sure she would call him Dr. Wagner.

“(55),” Don’t think you need a comma after you’ve done the age in parentheses.

“and ordinary” Not a great description IMO, again vague and to be honest, not very descriptive.

P.4 A nasty orphan at the start of this page which could be avoided easily, just get rid of “completely”

“MARTIN” I was slightly caught off guard here, I thought who the hell is Martin, this guy is called Clarence but you’re using his surname…why? You don’t call Tom “Kershaw”

“door at he same time.” Typo, supposed to “the same time”

“It's BARRY RENNER (61),” How would we know its Renner unless he looks almost identical to 40 odd years ago?

“Tom takes about ten steps through the door.” Might need a change of slug to INT here.

P.5 “The man is nowhere to be seen.” You’ve already stated it’s Renner so why “the man”? Why not “Renner is nowhere to be seen”

“slams open” Not sure if this is the right description, I’ve heard of a door slamming shut but open?

“tie half off” Two descriptions about his tie so far, wonder whether this will play an important role down the line or if it’s ever tied correctly.

“wild man” He’s still a wild man, lucky not “wild thing”

P.6 Your slugs feel very cramped at the moment and could do with spacing out. I’m not sure what software you use but you should be able to sort that out in the settings.

“But he looks like sh. . .” This kids 12…but a nice comedic moment.

“counts to ten” Would be a bit boring on screen…count out 10 to yourself now and image that on screen.

“She tries to act nonchalant” Why? Her husband is upset and she’s treating him like you treat a toddler when they don’t that special cookie they want. I’m confused.

P.7 There’s been a lot of repetitiveness in the dialogue over the last few pages, something to look out for.

Cut down on the names in dialogue, nobody speaks like this.

“But he's. . .he's dead” Maybe it’s me but your ellipses look long and spaced out wrong? Maybe it’s your software or something on my end…not sure?

P.8/9 I personally would try to not the dialogue go over two pages, looks messy IMO.

P.9 “Tom hops off the bed and whistles all the way to the
bathroom.” I’m afraid this part doesn’t work for me. The night before he was going all Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” Now Tom is James Stewart from a “Wonderful Life” A massive turn around you’d agree.

Maybe his initial reaction doesn’t need to be as extreme and toned down to make this more believable.

P.10 “hops” Have seen this word a few times over the last page, try to mix it up a bit.

P.11 “CONTINUOUS” The slug at the start of this page shouldn’t be continuous.

“at the concession stand” Superfluous, we know this from the slug.

“Tom looks bewildered. Greg looks anxious.” Why? They’re just waiting in line, think it’s a strange passage is all.

There’s an extra space in Miranda’s dialogue on this page.
“was  all”

P.12 “Miranda's eyes are still on the field.” Hopefully you don’t mean literally, I didn’t know she took them out.

“Is he. . .like. . .Tom.” Pretty sure this is a question.

Not sure about the “continuous” use here.

“looking like a madman.” Or Wildman.

“Ben said you searched up and down
the street like a man possessed.”

This Ben has got it pretty spot on of you ask me…I remember something about Tom walking like a “man possessed”

Also, maybe you should change the “mortified” response from both Tom and Miranda. Just a thought.

P.13 “utterly defeated.” “utter defeat” Try not to have the same description repeated like this in quick succession IMO.

Tom’s mood swings are so inconsistent, he’s becoming Jack Nicholson again.

“We just. .
.”

Change these ellipses if possible, one has turned into a orphan here in the dialogue. There’s also another one on page 14. Won’t mention it again but something to look for when doing a rewrite.

P.14                       GREG
                     Tom. Language.

No! He’s a bloke, not to be sexist but this dialogue should be from one of the women. I just have never heard a guy say this.

“with my being insane!” Should “my” be “me”?

“Miranda's look of panic says she believes he's about to open
up about the nightmares, and she doesn't want that.”

Sorry but this is telling in my book and I believe it’s completely unnecessary.

P.17 “Moments later, she sees him come out from behind the cars. He crosses the street and disappears between the same two houses as Renner.”

Firstly I wonder if “moments later” should be a transition. Also again I think that this should either be a change of slug or a P.O.V to break up the action.

“onto the next street.” So is he still on THORNTON ST like the slug states?

“Tom very cautiously moves down the side of the house.”

Is “very” needed here, also “cautiously”

“Cautious, Tom moves down the side of the house” or

“Tom moves down the side of the house, cautious”

Not the best but there is always a way to tighten the action.

P.18 “He creeps as slowly as he can toward the door, mimicking all of the guys he has ever seen in action films.”

This can be reworded for the better.

“Who are are you?” Typo.


                       RENNER
               You'd better say something fast
               man, or I'm really gonna get
               pissed.

He seems pretty pissed already.

P.20 “It's okay, Tom.” Why suddenly call him Tom, He’s been calling him Mr. Hampton before this and it’s always good to be consistent.

                       RENNER
              But, if you know what's good for
              you, don't let me catch you
              following me again. Ever.

This dialogue sounded all wrong, he went from fatherly figure to threatening him in a instant.

Right, I’ve stopped at page 20 tonight and will continue as time allows during the week.

The dialogue has struggled for me so far and it hasn’t helped with the continuous use of names. I would also have liked a bit more description of our protag and other central characters. The only one who got one “Martin” has been in literally one scene in the first 20 pages which seems strange.

I’ve give you a overall summary once finished but it’s okay so far, can’t say I’m immersed into the story at the moment but I want to keep reading and that’s always a good thing.

Cheers,

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 21
khamanna
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4028
Posts Per Day
0.89
Yours is next on my list I'm a little swamped with other stuff right now, but let me leave a placeholder here and I'll review it in this window.
Just don't want people to think that I"m slacking - I'm not!

I'm on page 20 and decided to go with the detailed notes for once.
Overall, you have me hooked and I'm really interested to read the rest of it.

Notes:
P2 "There's a blinding flash" - I didn't understand why there should be a flash from a shot.
p2 "You are not getting deep enough asleep" doesn't sound smooth to me.
p2 "typical twelve year old clothes" - thinking this is redundant, and many complain about the word "typical" anywhere. Also if clothes don't matter, no need to let us know.
p6 "after she checks the settings on the stove multiple times" - if we don't see her checking every time, you can't write this, I think. Perhaps better be "she checks the settings once again"
p8 A lot of "this can't be" talk, I think. Some of it could be cut perhaps.
She calls him by his first name quite a bit.
p9 Interesting change of heart, very sudden - almost like he's bluffing.
p10 "Do you want first shower or me?" - at first I thought he's asking her if she wants him. Then I understood that he wants to take a shower. Perhaps better be reworded. Maybe "do you want to shower first?"
p10 I think you could get into this scene late and avoid all the "hey's"
p14 I think the scene with Greg and Miranda could be shortened.
p17 Tom's explanation about why he needs sunglasses - I'd omit that and just leave "Be back in a minute" or something.

The rest is to follow

Here, the next 20.

Overall, I'm still on my toes to know who this Renner is. I'd suggest you add to it though - right now it's a bit too simple - he's searching for some man whose death affected him in his childhood. I'd want to know what this Renner was to him, was he a good neighbor, a bad neighbor, maybe he wasn't good to his mother (or too good to him) - I don't know, something else to add texture to the story.

more notes:

p27,28 Miranda seems a bit crazy. Him being late doesn't seem enough of a reason to justify her anger.
p28 I like his dream - Renner talking to him adds some substance.
p29 typo "one night I was AWAKEN by police..." (maybe)
Better avoid retelling - Tom has to retell the whole story to the Chief, better avoid retelling, I think.
p32 as I mentioned earlier their conversation is a bit repetitive for me (Thompson and Tom) also - a small point - their names sound alike.
p33 - Tom talking to himself is a bit off.
p35, 36 - I wish their talk was a bit more engaging.
p39 typo "I am coming to work"
p40 I like Harlan and Tom together - more of a stake.

I read on:

p42 Tom tells his story to Kemp. I suggest you run through and get away with retelling that story. Sorry I can't point out the way - maybe pretend they already had a talk and start the scene from the middle?

p43 "This guy has resurfaced to do something terrible" - how does Tom know? I think this is an important moment and you really have to build to that. I wish I knew why Tom needs to know about this Renner so badly.

I read up to p70 today - I really liked the way it's going - Renner plots something against the president. I think you could set it up in the first 30 though. I wish some of it came earlier - Tom should suspect something about Renner etc. Maybe there were talks in his house about these Renner's...
I like Tom and Dave work together. I like how they suspect Thompson, that they are on stake out etc. I think your script really picked up.

I'm sorry I didn't take too many notes for these pages, decided to just sit back and enjoy the read

Finished the read. I think the script really picked up after about page 60. It plays well for me - I like big plots like this one. The logistics of it didn't strike me as impossible, so the rest works.

I think the most work lies within the first part of the script. The set up should be reworked.

Good luck with it. I'd like to read your first 30 once you're done with the rewrite. Hit me if you need an extra pair of eyes.

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
khamanna  -  May 22nd, 2012, 9:05pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 21
CoopBazinga
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 9:08am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1180
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hey Steven,

Continuing on from page 20 today:

P.20 “EXT. CITY PARK - SOCCER FIELD PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS”
This is not continuous I’m afraid.

P.21/22 Tom is stuttering a lot in the dialogue which is not helping the flow of their discussion. I would personally cut down on this for a smoother read.

P.22 “Miranda starts to get in the Escape.” I would make this clearer and say “Ford Escape” like previously.

“Mike sits in the back, oblivious with a pair of headphones
on, as this confrontation carries out in the front seat.”

Need a change of slug here to show their in the car.

Tom’s story of what happened with the burglar is pretty lame but maybe it’s supposed to be.

P.23 “Miranda has had enough” Think you can cut this line as she states “she’s had enough” in the dialogue below this line. You’re just repeating information.

“I'm not telling you how it came out” What was Mike doing? I think you should change “came” with “turned”

P.24 “Miranda finishes what she's cooking. Scoops it onto one
plate, and sits down to eat.”

I have to wonder what she was cooking? It may be a little nitpicky but it would help visualise the scene as she hasn’t made any for Tom?

“they both finish eating” Now I’m definitely curious to know what she cooked? She finished in like 5 seconds…must have been good.

“From here he can see the city building and the library.” Feel “from here” is unnecessary here and you and start the passage with “He can see…”

“Covertly” Strange, he’s in a parking lot, who cares what he’s doing? Even if it’s for work and he doesn’t want to be seen, won’t they see his car anyway?

“he is alone” Get rid of the nasty “is” “he’s alone”

P.25/26 This scene outside the Kershaw residence, are Mike and Miranda speaking while inside the car? If so, can we see them or should this be (O.S)? I wasn’t sure what I was visualising here, them in the car or an exterior shot of the car driving into the driveway? Maybe this should be clearer.

P.28 I think Tom is well, a kind of pussy at the moment and he needs to be stronger as a protag IMO. Something to think about because it’s hard to like him at the moment…of course that could change.

“called off sick” Think this should be “called in sick” Would read better.

Don’t think you needed to cap some of Miranda’s dialogue. I get she’s pissed.

Miranda is hot headed, reminds me of when I come home late from the pub.

P.30 “second year man to see.” Just a thought on this line of dialogue, I think “rookie” instead of “man” would sound more realistic.

P.31 “he'd dead” Typo here, should be he’s.

P.32 “and he quickly ducks in” I’m guessing this means Tom has jumped in his car which firstly causes slug issues for me but also, does he leave his car open?

“There, behind the police station, is Barry Renner talking to
Chief Thompson. Their conversation is heated.”

This sentence needs to be cleaned up but more importantly it raises a plot hole for me. Tom has just told Chief Thompson he works upstairs in accounting, so why meet Renner right there outside the building, seems strange when there is probably hundreds of coffee shops around.

P.33 “Tom sits there” Sits where? In the parking lot or his car? This why I think you need a change of slug to make this clearer.

Tom is talking to himself a lot here in the library which is unusual in itself but I guess he could be going crazy right.

P.34 “Tom practically rips the newspaper” So has he ripped the paper or not?

“stuffs it down his pants.” Why? What’s wrong with his pockets?

“LATER” A lot of your slugs have been either continuous or later which is wrong IMO. You could just stick with “day” or “night” on a lot of these occasions.

P.35 “Mr. Renner” I think Tom needs to stop referring to Renner as “Mr.” It doesn’t come off as realistic.

P.36 “But then, but then Mir” I would look out for instances like this when doing a rewrite, this stuttering/repeating in the dialogue doesn’t help the flow of the script. Just a thought.

“Tom reaches down his pants” Come on, this isn’t the time! Seriously though, I think it would be best if he doesn’t pull the newspaper from his pants here, it’s not keeping in with the tone you have going.

P.37 Massive lines of dialogue although nothing wrong per se are hard to read and don’t look good on the page. I would try to shorten this.

Also have to ask about the federal agent’s statement. Surely no respective agent would give this statement as it basically tips the terrorist off. Do agents give statements themselves or would it be a F.B.I press officer or something like that. I’m not too sure to be honest. Something to think about.

“The 46 year old Tom” Why is Tom a year younger here?

“his usual dream” If this is a dream then you should think about putting a transition in like “Begin Dream Sequence” Just something to help the reader.

P.40 “frustration  and” An extra space here.

P.41 “Dave and Tom” Dave or David Kemp…choose one and be consistent IMO just like with Clarence Martin previously.

“Tom pulls the newspaper out of his coat.” He’s not using his pants anymore.

P.42 “Tom squeezes the newspaper” I thought Dave was reading the paper?

“His look says he's sorry he came to talk to this crazy man.” Now that’s a look.

P.43 If Dave has walked around the corner then I think his dialogue should be (O.S)

“The clock shows two-fifteen, but Tom leaves the office.

As Tom passes Harlan's office, Harlan leans out.”

Here I think you need a mini-slug to break this up as we’re still in Tom’s office according to your original slug.

P.44 “Renner exits the hardware store with two bulging bags.” Why is Renner shopping across from Tom’s office after his and Thompson’s chat…it doesn’t make sense as you’d want to keep your distance? Stop Tom’s suspicions.

“Tom jumps in his car and peels out of the parking lot.

After about two blocks”

The slugs have been an issue for me as here we leave the parking lot but don’t change slugs. I won’t mention it again but it’s something to look at when doing a rewrite.

“site” Should be sight

P.45 What is Renner doing, would you really leave items you just bought from a gun shop which we can all assume to be dangerous in the back of your truck? He’s gone drinking in a seedy bar leaving all that material in the back? Doesn’t seem right is all.

P.48 “because of the way you've been blowing us off.” Might want to think about rewording this.

P.49 “PARKING LOT” There is a lot action taking place in parking lots…something to think about.

P.53 “Dave is deflated” Why is Dave deflated, someone is agreeing with him for the first time.

P.55 “bomb materials he bought today” Today? I thought Renner bought them the day previously?

"PRESIDENT TO VISIT AKRON" How would they not know this? It would be massive news and an F.B.I agent would know in advance I would have thought.

P.56 “I've changed the locks” Miranda is coming off as a right bitch, her husband is going through what could be a mental breakdown and she decides to change the locks. How long have they been married I wonder?

I’m not sure about Tom staying at David’s house, wouldn’t he go home and try to smooth things over with Miranda first?

“Forty-seven year” sometimes like this and others like “47” I would try to be consistent with your action.

P.57 “He trips on the rug and falls on his face.” Too comedic for your type of story, it doesn’t fit in with the rest.

P.58 “What some coffee?” Typo, should be “want”

“3” Try to write this like “three” in the dialogue for a smoother read.

“you thought you saw Renner kill himself?” Seems strange for David to say “you thought” after what his dad said before.

“What was it tonight?” Should this be “last” night as it’s the morning unless they’re trying to predict future dreams.

P.59 Don’t feel that Tom would tell John about his dream.

“That's a horrible place to protect him.” You’re probably right but that means I doubt they would ever actually hold it there.

I’ll stop at page 60 today and hopefully finish this over the weekend.

The story’s picking up and it seems that Renner is part of some terrorist group intent on killing the president. I have to ask why they would wait 41 years to do this but this may be become clear further on.

I’m intrigued to see how this plays out.

Hope this helps.

Cheers.

Steve

















Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 21
khamanna
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4028
Posts Per Day
0.89
I keep adding to where I left - to the same post
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 21
CoopBazinga
Posted: May 19th, 2012, 10:50am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1180
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hey Steven,

Continuing on from page 60 today, hoping to finish.

P.59 “(VO)” A picky comment but missing period here in the (V.O)

P.60  I have my doubts whether a F.B.I agent would allow his dad and Tom work on
this case? It’s the president’s life at stake, just think he would inform his bosses of this new development.

“As time passes:” Should this be a series of shots?

“The KNOCKS becomes louder” “becomes” should be become.

“It's police Chief Thompson.” You don’t need “police” anymore, Chief Thompson will suffice.

P.61 “The Chief” Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t call Thompson just “chief” in the action. Doesn’t look right to me.

“in front it” missing “of” here in this passage.

“I fell asleep” But look on the bright side, he didn’t have another nightmare.

“Tom raps on Dave's desk.” “raps” is not a good word here, all I can imagine is Tom going all Vanilla Ice, not the image you want I gather?

P.63 what’s with the doughnuts here? Totally irrelevant and nothing to do with the story.

P.64 “down town” This is one word. Downtown.

“So far it beats sitting your car” Missing “in” between sitting and your.

“I didn't even bring anything to eat.” So all the sandwiches, chips and pretzels are Dave’s? He comes prepared.

P.65 “Talk at ya tomorrow.” Should this be “talk to ya tomorrow”

P.66 “100%” spell this out.

“FROM BEHIND A BUSH IN THE NEXT YARD” I have to say that I’m unsure about this as a slug?

P.67 “In the GREEN of the night vision goggles” I personally think a transition is in order here to address night vision goggles P.O.V.

“A dark figure” Is this the same dark figure that Dave and Tom have just seen? If so, he moves fast.

“We'll give a bit” Think you mean “we’ll give it a bit”

P.68 “John hums to himself” you describe this twice in quick succession which doesn’t look great. Cut one out IMO.

P.69 Why are they making bombs for the world to see? I mean draw a curtain, blind something to hide what’re doing.

I you had a mini-slug telling us we’re inside then maybe you need another to specify we’re outside again. Just a thought.

“Dark figures” More dark figures…thet’re becoming frequent.

P.71 No proof! I think Dave is taking this all a little too well, his dad is in the hospital unconscious and he’s still looking for clues. Time to kick some ass me thinks.

P.72 “Someone bashed him in the head with a pipe or something.” I would get rid of “with a pipe or something” as I think it was actually a pipe if I remember correctly. Also wouldn’t it read better as “someone bashed him over the head”

“Bob almost collapses” Poor Bob, he’s more upset than Dave.

“Dave helps him over to the car” When did Dave leave the car?

P.73 “These guys are really serious” He’s speaking to an F.B.I agent, not a couple of kids…just don’t think this line is inappropriate.

                       BOB ARNOLD
                 Please Mr. Arnold,

Don’t think this dialogue is supposed to be Bob’s. Also in the same dialogue “We see what he can do.” I think “we” should be “we’ll”

P.74 “watching their house.” You either mean houses or they all live in the same house?

Paul isn’t capped on first intro?

“shows them” Them? Thought it was just Paul?

“from the bathroom to John Kemp's bedroom.” Do you really need “John Kemp’s” I mean we’re in his house, who else’s bedroom is it likely to be.

“Sargent” should be sergeant.

“Dave Kemp” I doubt a F.B.I agent would call himself Dave when showing his credentials. Just a thought.

P.75 “he's going to go an a tirade” typo, should be on instead of an.

P.76 Did Dave just steal evidence from the scene of a crime?

I don’t see how this is damning evidence? So Renner is written on a piece of paper, I’m sure there are a lot people called Renner.

“Wonder if she changed numbers.” He must mean Miranda? To think about it, his family have disappeared for a while and this is the first time he’s mentioned anything about them. I think Tom would be more concerned with his failing marriage.

“Believes” Shouldn’t be capped.

P.77 “On the roof” Superfluous, we know this from the mini-slug and you say “make their way” twice in quick succession. Mix it up a bit.

P.78 Vic and Adam’s dialogue should be (O.S) as they’re not on the roof.

P.80 Okay, the evidence is there as Renner as just confessed he plans to kill the President. Tell me it’s time to warn the secret service and stop the President’s visit.

P.81 “crown of people.” Typo, should be crowd.

P.82 “M'kay.” Huh? Reminds me of South Park.

I have to say that they all seem relaxed for the situation they’re in. Dave’s saying “Great, I’ll make some coffee” and then they’re all sitting around drinking. I mean they was told about a plot to kill the President the night before.

P.84 School and Saturday don’t mix, would a school really take kids out on a weekend, maybe?

P.85 “Tom sits at the table” How did he get into Dave’s apartment? Does he have his own key already? Dave better watch out, we all hear about these “Can I stay at your place for one night, please” three years later…

Why is Dave off screen? They just entered the apartment.

P.88 You have to up the urgency here in the last act IMO. Here they are again, eating breakfast this time.

“Tom works on a big plate of eggs and sausage.” Sounds great but what he should be working on his saving his son and the President.

P.89 “The President comes up out of a tunnel in the stands.” They’ve left this pretty late, the Presidents coming out…if only they hadn’t stopped to have eggs and sausage this morning.

P.90 Again, Adam should be (O.S) here on the radio.

P.94 “dark figure” Finally the dark figure has returned.

“Of all the rude, inconsiderate.
I'm glad you're not my son!”

This is one of the most random/strangest lines of dialogue I have ever seen. I have no idea why this old man is here?

“Damn silencer.” He’s been shot and this his response? It’s like he’s not even concerned about being shot, more about the gun Renner is using.

“The dark figure takes off as fast as it can.” Do you need “dark figure” anymore. I think we know it’s Renner.

P.95 “Tom grabs the bomb and tries to pull it apart with no luck.” Tom seems very cool in this situation, it’s a bomb and he’s grabbing and pulling it, isn’t he scared of setting it off.

P.96 “Mike throws himself on the ground. The others follow suit.” Fuck that, run in the other direction, get as far away as possible from that bomb.

“Looks up to see the bomb arcing through the air.” How far did Mike throw it? I’m lost on where I am now.

P.97 “Dave and Adam and Vic” Replace the first “and” with a comma.

P.98 “Joint operation, my ass!” I know but let’s be honest and say it should have been.

P.100 “Now do you believe me?” What a cheesy line to finish on.

I think you had an intriguing idea, a young boy see’s a suicide but is shocked to see that same man walking around 41 years later.

Unfortunately overall this hasn’t quite worked for me for many reasons really.

Let’s start with the writing which was good on the whole, lots of white space and it read fast. My main complaint would be the slugs and the use of “later” and “continuous”.

Another complaint would be a few awkward action verbs which can turn a sentence into humorous territory.

The dialogue has issues but that’s nothing I wouldn’t expect from a first draft done in 7 weeks so something to work on.

The story:

Well it started well with the younger Tom seeing the suicide. It then moved very quick, we were introduced to the family and found out a little bit about Tom before he saw Renner again.

This was okay, a nice steady pace but I have concerns with Miranda’s reaction to Tom’s as she sees it “paranoia” This is his wife and she didn’t seem to care about what he was going through.

Anyway, we later found out about the president plot which totally changed the direction and to be honest was never explained. Yeah their a terrorist group but why did Renner fake his death and come out of hiding 41 years later to kill the President? Why not 5, 10 or even 30 years later? 41 must have some relevance but it was never explained.

The characters were pretty dumb throughout I’m sorry to say and this was the biggest issue for me. I don’t want to go into too many details but showing three F.B.I agents and Tom eating breakfast on the morning when they know there is going to be an attempted assassination on the President was one of many IMO.

In fact the whole final act could have done with some urgency from the three F.B.I. Why didn’t they call the Secret Service and warn them.

I also think it was a mistake to have Miranda totally disappear for the second half. She came off as a total bitch and then was never seen again which means she’s unlikeable and to be honest, I didn’t want to see her at the hospital at the end. Get her involved more in the second half, try to get Tom and Miranda rekindle somewhat.
It might also be a good idea to give some background on their marriage because to me it came off as tenuous before all this started which would explain her reaction…but we need to know this if so.

For me this needs a lot of work especially the characters and their decisions. Also the dialogue needs work and by this I mostly mean Tom as he kept stuttering and came off too weak as a protag at times. I also think the second half needs a lot more urgency.

Finally and I can’t stress this one enough but for me we need to know more about the antag (Renner) He’s central to your story and I knew nothing about him at all. Yeah he’s part of a terrorist group but why? Why fake his death? Why wait 41 years? These are important elements for me which were never uncovered and need to be to make it stronger

Hope this helps.

Congrats on finishing the 7WC.

Steve





Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 21
steven8
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 1:14am Report to Moderator
Been Around


You're never alone...

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
816
Posts Per Day
0.18
I'm whipped.  I've just had the truck out the garage and I've been driving it through the holes in my story.  All of which are so true and so obvious upon explanation.  I was just so caught up and carried away during my writing that I never really stopped to think about making any of it feasible.

Now, however, I am going back and redoing the whole thing.  And  I would not do this if I did not feel that this story was not worth being done.  It is.

I have already built up more back story for the Antag, spent some time on his stay in the small town, his 'relationship' with the neighborhood children, and the FBI closing in on him, that will give our Protag more reason for recognizing him.  Not just a hook for a hand and a peg leg. . .  

Plus, we will learn of his movements between his faked suicide and when our Protag sees him.  He will not be 'resurfacing', so much as being 'found out' by someone who recognizes him.  He will have been a background figure (the brains) behind a number of violent acts between then and now.

Also, the FBI are going to be dropped in lew of a head to head battle between our Antag and Protag.  That should add some suspense and action.

Also, our Protag's wife will be a much changed character.  Much more a part of things and much more, um, un-bitch-ish.  That should make things a little better, eh?

I do not have all the details worked out, but that is a start.  Oh yes, I've renamed all of my charcters as well, so as not to be too boring.

I will also think-before-slugging.  So everyone will know where we stand in the story at all times.

Thank you all for reading and giving all of your time to these reviews.  It will be a much better piece of work for it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 21
khamanna
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4028
Posts Per Day
0.89
And I'm done with yours - pasted all the feedback in one place. I see you already set on what to do which is great. Best of luck to you with it, Steven!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 21
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006