Continuing on from page 60 today, hoping to finish.
P.59 “(VO)” A picky comment but missing period here in the (V.O)
P.60 I have my doubts whether a F.B.I agent would allow his dad and Tom work on
this case? It’s the president’s life at stake, just think he would inform his bosses of this new development.
“As time passes:” Should this be a series of shots?
“The KNOCKS becomes louder” “becomes” should be become.
“It's police Chief Thompson.” You don’t need “police” anymore, Chief Thompson will suffice.
P.61 “The Chief” Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t call Thompson just “chief” in the action. Doesn’t look right to me.
“in front it” missing “of” here in this passage.
“I fell asleep” But look on the bright side, he didn’t have another nightmare.
“Tom raps on Dave's desk.” “raps” is not a good word here, all I can imagine is Tom going all Vanilla Ice, not the image you want I gather?
P.63 what’s with the doughnuts here? Totally irrelevant and nothing to do with the story.
P.64 “down town” This is one word. Downtown.
“So far it beats sitting your car” Missing “in” between sitting and your.
“I didn't even bring anything to eat.” So all the sandwiches, chips and pretzels are Dave’s? He comes prepared.
P.65 “Talk at ya tomorrow.” Should this be “talk to ya tomorrow”
P.66 “100%” spell this out.
“FROM BEHIND A BUSH IN THE NEXT YARD” I have to say that I’m unsure about this as a slug?
P.67 “In the GREEN of the night vision goggles” I personally think a transition is in order here to address night vision goggles P.O.V.
“A dark figure” Is this the same dark figure that Dave and Tom have just seen? If so, he moves fast.
“We'll give a bit” Think you mean “we’ll give it a bit”
P.68 “John hums to himself” you describe this twice in quick succession which doesn’t look great. Cut one out IMO.
P.69 Why are they making bombs for the world to see? I mean draw a curtain, blind something to hide what’re doing.
I you had a mini-slug telling us we’re inside then maybe you need another to specify we’re outside again. Just a thought.
“Dark figures” More dark figures…thet’re becoming frequent.
P.71 No proof! I think Dave is taking this all a little too well, his dad is in the hospital unconscious and he’s still looking for clues. Time to kick some ass me thinks.
P.72 “Someone bashed him in the head with a pipe or something.” I would get rid of “with a pipe or something” as I think it was actually a pipe if I remember correctly. Also wouldn’t it read better as “someone bashed him over the head”
“Bob almost collapses” Poor Bob, he’s more upset than Dave.
“Dave helps him over to the car” When did Dave leave the car?
P.73 “These guys are really serious” He’s speaking to an F.B.I agent, not a couple of kids…just don’t think this line is inappropriate.
Please Mr. Arnold,
Don’t think this dialogue is supposed to be Bob’s. Also in the same dialogue “We see what he can do.” I think “we” should be “we’ll”
P.74 “watching their house.” You either mean houses or they all live in the same house?
Paul isn’t capped on first intro?
“shows them” Them? Thought it was just Paul?
“from the bathroom to John Kemp's bedroom.” Do you really need “John Kemp’s” I mean we’re in his house, who else’s bedroom is it likely to be.
“Sargent” should be sergeant.
“Dave Kemp” I doubt a F.B.I agent would call himself Dave when showing his credentials. Just a thought.
P.75 “he's going to go an a tirade” typo, should be on instead of an.
P.76 Did Dave just steal evidence from the scene of a crime?
I don’t see how this is damning evidence? So Renner is written on a piece of paper, I’m sure there are a lot people called Renner.
“Wonder if she changed numbers.” He must mean Miranda? To think about it, his family have disappeared for a while and this is the first time he’s mentioned anything about them. I think Tom would be more concerned with his failing marriage.
“Believes” Shouldn’t be capped.
P.77 “On the roof” Superfluous, we know this from the mini-slug and you say “make their way” twice in quick succession. Mix it up a bit.
P.78 Vic and Adam’s dialogue should be (O.S) as they’re not on the roof.
P.80 Okay, the evidence is there as Renner as just confessed he plans to kill the President. Tell me it’s time to warn the secret service and stop the President’s visit.
P.81 “crown of people.” Typo, should be crowd.
P.82 “M'kay.” Huh? Reminds me of South Park.
I have to say that they all seem relaxed for the situation they’re in. Dave’s saying “Great, I’ll make some coffee” and then they’re all sitting around drinking. I mean they was told about a plot to kill the President the night before.
P.84 School and Saturday don’t mix, would a school really take kids out on a weekend, maybe?
P.85 “Tom sits at the table” How did he get into Dave’s apartment? Does he have his own key already? Dave better watch out, we all hear about these “Can I stay at your place for one night, please” three years later…
Why is Dave off screen? They just entered the apartment.
P.88 You have to up the urgency here in the last act IMO. Here they are again, eating breakfast this time.
“Tom works on a big plate of eggs and sausage.” Sounds great but what he should be working on his saving his son and the President.
P.89 “The President comes up out of a tunnel in the stands.” They’ve left this pretty late, the Presidents coming out…if only they hadn’t stopped to have eggs and sausage this morning.
P.90 Again, Adam should be (O.S) here on the radio.
P.94 “dark figure” Finally the dark figure has returned.
“Of all the rude, inconsiderate.
I'm glad you're not my son!”
This is one of the most random/strangest lines of dialogue I have ever seen. I have no idea why this old man is here?
“Damn silencer.” He’s been shot and this his response? It’s like he’s not even concerned about being shot, more about the gun Renner is using.
“The dark figure takes off as fast as it can.” Do you need “dark figure” anymore. I think we know it’s Renner.
P.95 “Tom grabs the bomb and tries to pull it apart with no luck.” Tom seems very cool in this situation, it’s a bomb and he’s grabbing and pulling it, isn’t he scared of setting it off.
P.96 “Mike throws himself on the ground. The others follow suit.” Fuck that, run in the other direction, get as far away as possible from that bomb.
“Looks up to see the bomb arcing through the air.” How far did Mike throw it? I’m lost on where I am now.
P.97 “Dave and Adam and Vic” Replace the first “and” with a comma.
P.98 “Joint operation, my ass!” I know but let’s be honest and say it should have been.
P.100 “Now do you believe me?” What a cheesy line to finish on.
I think you had an intriguing idea, a young boy see’s a suicide but is shocked to see that same man walking around 41 years later.
Unfortunately overall this hasn’t quite worked for me for many reasons really.
Let’s start with the writing which was good on the whole, lots of white space and it read fast. My main complaint would be the slugs and the use of “later” and “continuous”.
Another complaint would be a few awkward action verbs which can turn a sentence into humorous territory.
The dialogue has issues but that’s nothing I wouldn’t expect from a first draft done in 7 weeks so something to work on.
Well it started well with the younger Tom seeing the suicide. It then moved very quick, we were introduced to the family and found out a little bit about Tom before he saw Renner again.
This was okay, a nice steady pace but I have concerns with Miranda’s reaction to Tom’s as she sees it “paranoia” This is his wife and she didn’t seem to care about what he was going through.
Anyway, we later found out about the president plot which totally changed the direction and to be honest was never explained. Yeah their a terrorist group but why did Renner fake his death and come out of hiding 41 years later to kill the President? Why not 5, 10 or even 30 years later? 41 must have some relevance but it was never explained.
The characters were pretty dumb throughout I’m sorry to say and this was the biggest issue for me. I don’t want to go into too many details but showing three F.B.I agents and Tom eating breakfast on the morning when they know there is going to be an attempted assassination on the President was one of many IMO.
In fact the whole final act could have done with some urgency from the three F.B.I. Why didn’t they call the Secret Service and warn them.
I also think it was a mistake to have Miranda totally disappear for the second half. She came off as a total bitch and then was never seen again which means she’s unlikeable and to be honest, I didn’t want to see her at the hospital at the end. Get her involved more in the second half, try to get Tom and Miranda rekindle somewhat.
It might also be a good idea to give some background on their marriage because to me it came off as tenuous before all this started which would explain her reaction…but we need to know this if so.
For me this needs a lot of work especially the characters and their decisions. Also the dialogue needs work and by this I mostly mean Tom as he kept stuttering and came off too weak as a protag at times. I also think the second half needs a lot more urgency.
Finally and I can’t stress this one enough but for me we need to know more about the antag (Renner) He’s central to your story and I knew nothing about him at all. Yeah he’s part of a terrorist group but why? Why fake his death? Why wait 41 years? These are important elements for me which were never uncovered and need to be to make it stronger
Hope this helps.
Congrats on finishing the 7WC.