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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  ›  Unproduced Screenplay Discussion  ›  Thriller Scripts  ›  Obsession with an Older Woman Moderators: bert
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  Author    Obsession with an Older Woman  (currently 2705 views)
Don
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Obsession with an Older Woman by Divij Kak - Thriller - This is the story of Jack Hinckley’s obsession with an older woman (Marian Thatcher). Jack is a seventeen year old high school graduate who gets hired by the Thatcher family but in the process falls madly in love with Marian Thatcher and due to circumstances tries to murder her. Will Jack be able to murder her and tear a family apart? 72 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Divij, get some screenwriting software. Right now, the formatting's all over the place.

The "synopsis" page is completely unnecessary. "ACT 1" is only for TV scripts, so you can get rid of that. No need for "Scene 1".

You've got a lot of unfilmables, a bad slug, and big chunks of dialogue. Sorry, but I'm not going to go past the first page.

I suggest reading about format online (lots of resources out there) and get your hands on some screenplays for a better grasp of how it's done. Sorry to be harsh...

Will
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


It's all about the rum

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And...sorry to say, but the logline is horrific.  Maybe English isn't your first language, and if so, I understand.
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