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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Ten Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ten by Ashenafi Wolde - Thriller -  A film about two homicide detectives John Smith (a veteran) and Mickey Reno (a rookie) desperate hunt for a serial killer who justifies his crimes as absolution for the world's ignorance of the Ten Commandments.  233 pages - pdf, format


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crookedowl
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Couple problems with this, even before I opened the script. 1) This sounds kinda like Seven, but with the ten commandments instead of the seven deadly sins, and 2) 233 pages? Damn! Even 133 pages is pushing it. This is way too long.

I think I reviewed another script of yours, and I think my other review can pretty much be applied to this as well. Some writing errors throughout, big paragraphs (keep action paragraphs 4 lines or less) and not to mention your formatting, which isn't great.

Not to mention some awkwardly written lines, in the first paragraph alone;

"There is an iron bar that enters through one end of his ear and exits out of the other." It's hard to visualize what we're seeing here.

It could be:

"An iron bar is jammed through his head, ear to ear". Not great, but it definitely reads better than the original line. You could probably lose the "in one ear and out the other" altogether.

"Across his chest is written , "thou shall not have another god" in Hebrew with a branding iron."

I think the "with a branding iron" is what throws me. I understand what you're saying, but the phrasing is weird. Not to mention, if it's written in Hebrew, most viewers won't know what it says. A better way of writing this would be

"Hebrew text is etched on his chest -- "thou shall not have another god""

Again, this isn't great, but it's an improvement.

If you're around, I hope you post on the boards. The more scripts you read, the more reads you'll get in return.

Hope this helps.

Will
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dogglebe
Posted: April 14th, 2013, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Looking at the first description, I can see why the script is as long as it is:


Quoted Text
We see the body of a Buddhist monk lying naked inside a painted Pentagram, lit with candles at each point of the star. There is an iron bar that enters through one end of his ear and exits out of the other. Across his chest is written , “thou shall not have another god” in Hebrew with a branding iron. His eyes are removed. There are stitches on his stomach and around his cranium. Blood is everywhere.  Homicide from New York Police Department and forensics (Luke Levitt, Jody Page) collect evidence. A forensic photographer (Toby McGuire) takes photos of the body.


could be better written as:


Quoted Text
A body lays naked inside a pentagram, a crowbar is embedded in his head, in one ear and out the other.  Hebrew is branded in his chest.  Blood is everywhere.

TOBY McGUIRE (30) takes photos of the scene.  A police badge hangs from around his neck.  LUKE LEVITT (50) and JODY PAGE (30) watch from nearby.  Badges hangs from their necks.


Easier to read and one third as long.


This is the third script the author listed in a week and they average about 190 pages each.  I recommend we wait until Ashenafi shows up before we contribute further.


Phil
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