Expiration by Rick Hansberry - Thriller - When an insurance actuary discovers there may be a formula for calculating a person's expiration date, he must race against time to solve the mystery of the equation before the impending death of his girlfriend. 108 pages - pdf, format

I believe there may be a word left out of the logline for this...  The protagonist  goes from 'insurance entity'  to 'him'.

Tony, I believe it's right.  An insurance actuary is a professional person who calculates life expectancies and risk for insurance companies, so I think it's correct as written.

Rick, glad to see you post this on here, buddy.  I remember reading this a couple of months ago, and the changes you made to that original draft have dramatically improved this thriller. The original relied too much on circumstance and coincidence, and happily you've removed those obstacles. It now reads much cleaner and clips along nicely.  Not many dead spots here.

This one could easily be made on a smaller budget, so hopefully you'll get a few looks here.   Great work here!

Gary

Ok,  its fixed now.  The word 'actuary'  wasn't there when I first read it.  I must have loaded the thread right as it was being posted.  My bad.

Being an actuary at the age of 26 is pretty tough and Alan Tasker would have to be a super smart, super nerd-like dude.

Is it possible?  I guess, but understand first of all, you need to get your Bachelors degree.  Next, you'll need to be hired into an Insurance Company of some kind and start taking bi-annual exams, which are tough to start with and get progressively tougher.  I think there are 10 in all to become an actuary and I've never known anyone who has taken the exams back to back to back.

In reality, a 30 year old actuary is impressive and chances are good that that person is a total nerd dweeb, who studies all the time.

Just some info for you...

Rick,

Intesting premise. I didn't read the original so this interests me.

Page 6,

You establish we are outside of an apartment complex. First line has Martin exiting something...  I assume he is exiting one of the apartments. Maybe show a few things that could only belong to Zoey sticking out of the box instead.  Unless the box is stamped on the outside: Zoey's Personal Items - the viewers can't know that.

You are 'god'  giving life to your screenplay. It is done visually with linear descriptions. You implant those things in the readers head through the camera lens. No biggie but every line counts toward this goal.

There are a few techniques you can use to establish movement through the apartment complex without changing sluglines. You have Martin and the landlord go into a parking lot then stop outside the landlords office to sign papers. I'm pretty sure they would go inside the office to sign the papers.

I know this is not a big deal and most readers would just continue onward but you put these scenes in 'my' the readers head and they should be crystal clear or else what's the point?

Nice intrigue you developed with Ray so far.  I can picture John Noble in the role.

Twenty pages in and really takes off. Can't wait to read more.

Gl,

Tony

I saw this in the thread and thought someone stole your title!