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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Dark World Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dark World  (currently 4515 views)
SteveClark
Posted: January 17th, 2018, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Dave,

Here are my notes. Overall, a very good story that kept me glued to the pages. It was a breeze to read, very well written. Again, I am sorry for not being able to pick this apart. I really did not find much I would want to change except for some things listed below, and they are minor points.

DARK WORLD

Good first ten. Nice set up. Smart of you adding a little cultural diversity in there. I like the slugs, don’t think they’re repetitive by mentioning certain words in your action. It’s actually helping me keep track of where I am, and that’s a good thing.

Also, it’s not lost on me how you have Christmas as the backdrop here. Lots of great actioners do, as I’m sure you already know.

Pg 17: As I’m so fond of saying: people only use chopsticks in the movies and it drives me nuts!

Dave, I’m on page 38 and I haven’t found a single thing yet I would change. Your first act runs a little long, but the action is taut and no one scene overstays it’s welcome. Excellent writing thus far!

Pg 65 and I’m wondering at this point, because Alyssa knows the situation, but we never did see Marquis telling her about exactly WHAT happened, so I’m wondering now if he told her or didn’t tell her. Is this an oversight on your part? Because I’m starting to get the feeling that Alyssa might be a suspect.

Pg 81 Only thing I’d change so far is Maquis saying “Christ, of course…” He said something similar about Janet Evers, and I don’t feel it needs to be repeated here. Just “Neath the lake with a silver sheen” seems to be just fine. Actually, I think you can lose the first time Marquis says it, too, in regards to Janet. It just sounds cliché.

So far, a very nice mystery you’ve built up here. I’m catching myself thinking about possible suspects, yet I still have no clear idea who it is. Great writing, and let me take this moment to apologize for not coming up with anything more critical to use or change. So far, there’s barely anything I’d change, and this is travelling along at a damn brisk pace.

(just so you know, Eddy’s on my list of possibles, but I thought him too obvious! That said, both Marquis’ wife and daughter are on my list, as well.)

Pg 89-90  I’m just playing along at this point. Eddy Gates is being buried, and the very next thing you show is Alyssa in her heels? Hmm. I told you she’s one of my suspects, and if she turns out to be the killer then that’s a dead giveaway in my book.

Ahh – Okay. That makes sense. So much for my instincts. There’s Marquis talking to himself again on pg 95, “How did I miss that?” Don’t like it, but it might just be me.

Okay, so now Marquis has everybody watching him as he visits Dark World. Does Erebos/Isaac hear as he’s speaking to the other agents in the room? Isaac hears Marquis when he’s being spoken to so I’m just curious. Perhaps I’m missing something, but if not then that’s a major logic hole for me. Perhaps Marquis is covering his mouth when speaking to the agents and I just missed it.

The tag at the end. I like the redo of the Christmas party, but I feel the last scene at Marquis' home needs a little something more. Perhaps a cheesy "I'm too old for this shit" kinda line? You could actually reference Marquis talking to himself - the ones I didn't like - and throw that in there somehow as I think it stands out and could be played to some effect at the very end. Up to you, of course.

I'd be willing to read the next version when you get it posted. Good luck with it, Dave. I feel it has a lot of potential as is.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2018, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Steve: thanks tons for the read - appreciated and glad you liked it.


Quoted Text
Pg 81 Only thing I’d change so far is Maquis saying “Christ, of course…” He said something similar about Janet Evers, and I don’t feel it needs to be repeated here. Just “Neath the lake with a silver sheen” seems to be just fine. Actually, I think you can lose the first time Marquis says it, too, in regards to Janet. It just sounds cliché.


I concur - thanks for pointing it out


Quoted Text
Ahh – Okay. That makes sense. So much for my instincts. There’s Marquis talking to himself again on pg 95, “How did I miss that?” Don’t like it, but it might just be me.


Concur here - something more clever or nothing would be better


Quoted Text
Okay, so now Marquis has everybody watching him as he visits Dark World. Does Erebos/Isaac hear as he’s speaking to the other agents in the room? Isaac hears Marquis when he’s being spoken to so I’m just curious. Perhaps I’m missing something, but if not then that’s a major logic hole for me. Perhaps Marquis is covering his mouth when speaking to the agents and I just missed it.


Marquis does hold his hand over the mic - Erebos can't see but he can hear. I'll double check it for clarity.


Quoted Text
The tag at the end. I like the redo of the Christmas party, but I feel the last scene at Marquis' home needs a little something more. Perhaps a cheesy "I'm too old for this shit" kinda line? You could actually reference Marquis talking to himself - the ones I didn't like - and throw that in there somehow as I think it stands out and could be played to some effect at the very end. Up to you, of course.


Got to re-work the ending. Warren had pointed out that it's too happy/on the nose and I agree. I want to get at something less expected.

Thanks again for your time. I appreciate that you took it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
Posted: January 17th, 2018, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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My pleasure, Dave. I really enjoyed it. And regarding your OTN-too-happy-ending... The ending you’re looking for is probably somewhere in the script itself. Something somebody said, or did, reappears to bring some kind of light-hearted, or sarcastic, closure. Food for thought.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2018, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveClark
My pleasure, Dave. I really enjoyed it. And regarding your OTN-too-happy-ending... The ending you’re looking for is probably somewhere in the script itself. Something somebody said, or did, reappears to bring some kind of light-hearted, or sarcastic, closure. Food for thought.

Steve


Thanks - I'm sure something will come to me eventually


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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