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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Dark World Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dark World  (currently 4517 views)
Don
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dark World by David Lambertson - Thriller - In order to stop a serial killer, an FBI Agent must convince his colleagues that the murders that only he can see on a virtual reality game are real. 123 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 15th, 2018, 1:33pm
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eldave1
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Kind of a different thing for me. It was an interesting exercise having to shift between real world and virtual reality world.  Not sure if I pulled it off  - but it was fun.

Note: I'm playing around with some formatting/fonts on this one - so, yeah - I know that some aren't standard. I may convert back when done with the final draft.  If you hate them - let me know.

Anyway - whether it is a page or a full read - as always any feedback is appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
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Dave, I said I'd give this a look when it was live and I'm severely intrigued by it.

As it stands, I've made it to Page 15.  The concept hooked me as soon as I read the log-line.  The premise of virtual reality and reality merging together to form a whole is something that personally ignites my interest, as I'm into that kind of thing.

Some SPOILERS below (nothing story related, but they concern the first 15 pages):

First off; Secret Santa.  

Right off the bat, you hit the "inciting incident" within a few pages of the script.  I want to know who this "Secret Santa" is.  Are they simply a gift-giver, or are they the "killer"?  My early pick for the Secret Santa is Eddy, as he stands out the most, but he is the obvious choice.  I'll definitely keep reading as this definitely hooked my attention.

Virtual Reality

I dig it.  Especially the gloves.  It opens the door for many possibilities.  The concept of Marquis being able to manipulate objects within virtual reality is cool and fresh.

Erebos and "holy crap" moment

This makes sense.  I mean, we're told by Eddy that they're "games", but Erebos knows Marquis' name, so his reaction is completely normal.  Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, and Erebos knows his name due to the phone being connected to the headset, but what if that's not the case?

This definitely makes me want to read more.

------------------

FORMATTING

This doesn't bother me, as much as it would others.  You mentioned if anyone hates it, to let you know, but I never focus on this.  My main focus when reading others' work is to dissect the story, and so far, this script has a very good start.

------------------

All in all, the first 15 pages hooked me, and because of that, I'll read the whole thing.  It might take me a while, perhaps a week, but I'll make time for it over the next few days, as I am really interested in what you have here.

It's very unique, man.  
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eldave1
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Quoted from Leegion
Dave, I said I'd give this a look when it was live and I'm severely intrigued by it.

As it stands, I've made it to Page 15.  The concept hooked me as soon as I read the log-line.  The premise of virtual reality and reality merging together to form a whole is something that personally ignites my interest, as I'm into that kind of thing.

Some SPOILERS below (nothing story related, but they concern the first 15 pages):

First off; Secret Santa.  

Right off the bat, you hit the "inciting incident" within a few pages of the script.  I want to know who this "Secret Santa" is.  Are they simply a gift-giver, or are they the "killer"?  My early pick for the Secret Santa is Eddy, as he stands out the most, but he is the obvious choice.  I'll definitely keep reading as this definitely hooked my attention.

Virtual Reality

I dig it.  Especially the gloves.  It opens the door for many possibilities.  The concept of Marquis being able to manipulate objects within virtual reality is cool and fresh.

Erebos and "holy crap" moment

This makes sense.  I mean, we're told by Eddy that they're "games", but Erebos knows Marquis' name, so his reaction is completely normal.  Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, and Erebos knows his name due to the phone being connected to the headset, but what if that's not the case?

This definitely makes me want to read more.

------------------

FORMATTING

This doesn't bother me, as much as it would others.  You mentioned if anyone hates it, to let you know, but I never focus on this.  My main focus when reading others' work is to dissect the story, and so far, this script has a very good start.

------------------

All in all, the first 15 pages hooked me, and because of that, I'll read the whole thing.  It might take me a while, perhaps a week, but I'll make time for it over the next few days, as I am really interested in what you have here.

It's very unique, man.  


Thanks for the early read, friend - really appreciated!! Glad that you like it so far and that there was a hook for you.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave,

I couldn't help myself and decided to read the script in its entirety today.  You have a well rounded story here, very thrilling, lots of twists and turns throughout, and a great hook.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the script from the first to the last.  It's more of a thriller than a drama, in my opinion, perhaps it would be better suited in that category.  

Nonetheless, onto my full notes and review:

SPOILERS AHEAD

My early thoughts on Eddy being the one behind everything were... let's just say, not at all accurate.  I seriously thought he was the one behind it, especially with how he acted when questioned, as if he had no idea what was going on and that Marquis was making everything up.

Marquis' character.  Very well written.  Post-traumatic stress after his brother died in Mosul, somewhat blaming himself for what happened.  He's also "unchained", so to speak, making him liable for responsibility behind the real-world events of the present day story, which perfectly explains why Holland didn't trust him.

Detective Holland, while a dick most of the time, is also written in a way that makes you absolutely hate him at first, but he kinda grows on you after a little while, like a mole.  His development throughout the story kept me interested in him as a character, and his "relationship" with the protagonist was a very intriguing one.

PAGE 94 - you mention ISAAC, but you never introduced him.  We don't know what he looks like.  All we know is he's around the age of 29, as the events that drive the plot happened 15 years prior, when he was 14.  Other than that, we don't "see" him, so to speak.  He's there, but not there, if that makes sense.

The fact that the story revolves around what happened 15 years ago completely twisted everything on its head.  And putting Alyssa at the forefront of the incident, didn't see that coming, as I believed everything revolved around Marquis' sanity, so kudos on tricking me with that.

In regards to Isaac as a character, he knows he's not getting away with it, which makes him cold enough to go through with it.  He has a REASON for doing what he's doing.  After what he saw as a teenager, it would drive anyone in their right mind completely out of their mind.  

PAGE 87 - You get a point for making me laugh when Goodwell flipped Marquis off... nothing more to say on that, it was just funny.

Speaking of funny... there's humor here.  Not a LOT, but enough to keep it from being too serious, which I like.  There's nothing more boring than a thriller that remains serious throughout.  You need a few laughs, and you have those in the bag.

PAGE 102 - Isaac, man... holy hell.  This guy reminds me of "The Joker".  

Director Davis - very well written and extremely likeable.  Her and Marquis have a strong bond throughout, which only strengthens each time they meet.  

PAGE 110 - Isaac is stated as 24... so either it happened 11 years ago, or he's 29, as Alyssa says it was "15 years ago", as Isaac would've been 14.  Maybe try clearing that up a bit?  

PAGE 112 - The end begins and the explanation works.  I love the fact that Isaac just doesn't care anymore.  He wants vengeance, it's his ONLY motivation.  

The final interaction between Marquis and Isaac is thrilling.  I thought Marquis would shoot him, but no... he just said one word and that was it... GAME OVER.

--------------------------------------------------

Dave, you wrote an amazing story here.  It was packed with thrills, chills, excitement, twists and turns, well-written characters and a villain that made perfect sense.

Yes, there were some issues.  Some paragraphs went for a little too long.  A few issues with some dialogue, but that can be fixed quite easily.

However, apart from the technical hiccups here or there, the STORY is where I focused most of my attention, alongside the CHARACTERS.  And both of them are great.

It's also very descriptive, which may turn some people off, but I liked it.  I could picture everything as clear as day with how you described everything that was going on in each scene.

That's about all I have to say.  In closing; this was a great read.  I'd recommend it to anyone who's into Thriller/Sci-Fi/Horror style screenplays.

Lee
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Warren
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

Is this the one the were talking about?


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eldave1
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Yes


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Will start today.


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eldave1
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Lee: thanks tons for the read and the kind remarks. Really appreciated man.


Quoted Text
PAGE 94 - you mention ISAAC, but you never introduced him.  We don't know what he looks like.  All we know is he's around the age of 29, as the events that drive the plot happened 15 years prior, when he was 14.  Other than that, we don't "see" him, so to speak.  He's there, but not there, if that makes sense.


He is actually introduced on page 6 - the custodian Marquis runs into in the elevator lobby - he's only there for a sec - so probably easy to miss. Thanks again. I am thrilled that it was not too confusing.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Will start today.


Thanks, bud - much appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Leegion
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Quoted from eldave1
Lee: thanks tons for the read and the kind remarks. Really appreciated man.

He is actually introduced on page 6 - the custodian Marquis runs into in the elevator lobby - he's only there for a sec - so probably easy to miss. Thanks again. I am thrilled that it was not too confusing.


No problem, man.  I always return the favor.

And yeah, turns out I did miss Isaac's intro, or rather I forgot as he was only there for a brief few moments and then returned near the end.  I retract that note.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Leegion


No problem, man.  I always return the favor.

And yeah, turns out I did miss Isaac's intro, or rather I forgot as he was only there for a brief few moments and then returned near the end.  I retract that note.


Still a valuable note - tells me that I need might need to add a reference back (in dialogue - e.g., I emptied you Dad's trash cabs or something) to remind the reader of where he was in the story.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JakeJon
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Dave,
A pleasure to read a feature that flows smoothly with minimal you know, "untidiness".

But, I thought it was too LONG.  J MO.  Maybe eliminate or condense some of the cute stuff.

Was glad the culprit wasn't the obvious Eddy and I had totally ignored Issac's intro so kudos here.

Thought that tying the loose ends together;  the VR doors   to Janet, Christopher and Alyssa (Hannah)  and the Why happened a little late in the story  (for the audience to have a mystery solving chance).   None the less; pretty darn enjoyable.

JJ
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eldave1
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Thanks for the read and the comments Jake - much appreciated!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

As I go:

POTENTIAL SPOILERS:

Pg 1


Quoted Text
Making his way away from out of that crowd


Something does seem right here. Just "Making his way out of the crowd"?

Pg 2


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (O.C.)


It's my understanding that O.C. is generally used for television and sitcoms where O.S. is for film. Not a big deal either way, everyone knows what you mean. Just pointing it out.

Dialogue on page 3 - 5 felt a bit forced, just the explanation of the VR, how it works, and where to get it. Not sure how you could get the point across any better but it just felt unnatural.

Pg 6


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
I don’t have your number.
EDDY
I added it to your contacts. After
I downloaded. Let me know if --


Probably for a good reason later, but would anyone really do this?

Pg 7


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (O.S.)


Interested to know why you would change between the two (O.S. Vs O.C.)? Typo maybe?

Pg 8


Quoted Text
Her and Danielle our moving in


are moving in

Pg 9


Quoted Text
Marquis kisses ALYSSA on top of the head


Any particular reason Alyssa is in caps here? She has already been introduced.

Pg 14


Quoted Text
steps behind the woman we now know
as JANET


Over writing for the sake of it. Steps behind JANET.


Quoted Text
He scrolls through the contacts - hits “EDDY.”


Still feels weird and convenient that he would put his number in the phone. Has to be a better way.

Pg 15


Quoted Text
Marquis, phone to his ear, paces in the garage.


Not sure the phone to his ear is required.

I'm going for an early call on Eddy being the killer.

Pg 16


Quoted Text
...So,


What purpose does this ellipse serve before the dialogue? I'm not sure how this would read.


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Way too graphic - disturbing even.
I think I’m just going to trash it.


As an FBI agent wouldn’t he have seen a lot worse? And what he has seen hasn’t really been that bad, has it?

Pg 17


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.


Just something I noticed but not really a massive issue, you do a bit of this word repetition. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Okay, okay. I mention it only because 17 pages in and I noticed it.

Pg 19


Quoted Text
CAPTAIN SANCHEZ
Judge Evers isn’t certain that she
just didn’t run off. Apparently,
They’ve had issues. He doesn’t
really want anything in the papers
just yet.


When I go through my work I generally find that the word "just" is rarely needed but for some reason it creeps in a lot. You have two in this bit of dialogue. I think it reads better without and still makes the same point.

Pg 22/23


Quoted Text
A blood curdling SCREAM off in the virtual distance.


I fell like there needs to be a comma after SCREAM.


Quoted Text
Erebos red wings expand.


I usually never use names that end in s for this reason because I don’t quite understand the rule. Shouldn’t this be Ereboses or Erebos'? Some sort of ownership of the wings.

I’m not sure how to comment on this, but the virtual world allows you a lot of freedom with scene locations. You change scenes several times under the slug VIRTUAL REALITY - DARK WORLD. Will this pose some sort of problem if this were to go into production?


Quoted Text
we are lead
down a narrow corridor that divides the warehouse.
An opening at the end. We reach it,


A few 'we do this, we do that' creeping in.

Pg 24


Quoted Text
MARQUIS (V.O.)
No!
The screen goes pitch black. Janet’s GASPS the only sound.
EREBOS (O.C.)
Perhaps I will show mercy.


Again both of these are V.O.'s what distinction are you making between them?


Quoted Text
HANNAH (V.O.)
Dad - Dad, are you alright?


Wouldn’t this be O.S. as Hannah isn’t in the game, she is just off screen?

Pg 25


Quoted Text
MARQUIS
Fine - fine.


That double speak again. I know people talk like this, but do they really do it that often?

Pg 26


Quoted Text
Marquis’ empty


This is what I was talking about earlier about ownership and names ending with s. Wouldn’t the same rule apply to Erebos?

Pg 26/27


Quoted Text
and enters the

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY


It doesn’t really read well when you lead from an unfinished sentence into a full slug. A mini slug it works well and most people do it and so do I but this doesn’t work for me.

Pg 27


Quoted Text
He can hear the SIRENS in the distance as he moves


Can probably lose the "He can hear the" part.


Quoted Text
lock and loaded


locked and loaded


Quoted Text
“TOO LATE ?”


Completely a style/artistic thing, but I'm not a fan of seeing this type of thing in a script. One of the recent QC entries had a similar entry and I didn’t like that either. It's almost like you’re telling the director what font to use when they carve the chair. For me personally, it adds nothing to the story.

Pg 29


Quoted Text
Alright...Look


Alright... look

Pg 30

More double speak.

Okay going to call it there for now. You have always been very through on my scripts so I'm doing the same. I'm happy to keep going like this or just read it and give you an over view.

Most of the things I've picked up I imagine would be style choices and don’t really matter. All I have done it review it in the way that I write, so if it is different, I have pointed it out.

I have asked some questions along the way, fell free to answer them or let them just be though provoking.

The writing is by no means bad; I think at this point we all know you can write.

Story wise, this is great so far, I'm in it and I want to know where it's going and that's the most important thing.

My page numbers may be off by a page, I noticed towards the end that the reader was reading them incorrectly.

Will keep going, let me know if you want me to nit-pick the rest or just give you my thoughts on the story.




Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  August 28th, 2017, 10:50pm
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eldave1
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Hey, Warren - wanted to get back to you quick as I am going to be away from computer till late tomorrow.

I am going to give you a detailed response to the points you raised later - I think from a quick review I concur with at least half of them - maybe more. Regardless - I want to hash them out in detail and will get back to you for sure.

In terms of the rest of the review - I think from a detailed issue I can use what you pointed out and where I agree apply it to the rest of the script so don't want you to go through the work of detailing them out - Am looking for comments regarding pace, plot points, characters, etc - so broad based views would be helpful. i.s., I know I have some clean up to do but would like to get a sense of whether the story is compelling - worth pursuing, etc

Really appreciate the efforts friend - will get back to you late tomorrow



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Warren
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Of The Ancients


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Not a problem, will mean I finish it a lot quicker. Really looking forward to where this is going.


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BSaunders
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Ah, David, I've been looking forward to this since you mentioned it.

I've done a fair bit of reading tonight and my eyes are bitching it, but I'll get onto this tomorrow.
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Warren
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Of The Ancients


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Hi Dave,

All done.

SPOILERS

So first up I'd be lying if I said the logline grabbed me. It's well written and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but when I saw virtual reality I though... oh this is going to be a tough one to get though just because it's not my kind of thing.

But, this was a great read, well rounded characters, an intricate, well thought through story that makes sense, lots of tension and suspense. I agree that this is more of a thriller than a drama, it's edge of your seat stuff.

I really liked the relationship between Marquis and Holland.

Initially I thought it was Eddy, then when you mentioned the PTSD and around the page 50 mark I was sure it was Marquis and I thought I still had 70 pages of a predictable story to read but that clearly wasn’t the case.

I mentioned it before but there is a lot of that double speak, maybe it's used to define a character but it does get a bit annoying.

There are some typos, I didn’t take notes as requested but somewhere there in a ") )" and a ", , ".

I’m not a happy ending person so the last line was just a bit too much for me and so Hollywood, and they lived happily ever after.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest but I felt the ending as a whole could have packed a bit more punch. It felt a little too easy, and although I know Isaac's demise ties perfectly into the story, I'd have liked to see a bit more, I don’t know, action? Tension? Something, I don’t know. Be good to hear others thoughts.

All in all, if you didn’t change a thing I still say this was a fantastic read, well written and for the large page count it flies by. Some Formatting choices I wasn’t a fan of which I mentioned in my other post but they are a matter of personal preference and don’t really affect the read.

Congrats on another Page finalist


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Quoted from Warren
Not a problem, will mean I finish it a lot quicker. Really looking forward to where this is going.


Okay - back on computer. In response to your notes so far.


Quoted Text
Something does seem right here. Just "Making his way out of the crowd"?


I was okay with that vs. the – but you did highlight some inefficient writing. Am changing it to:
“Special Agent MARQUIS ADAMS (45), African-American, well dressed, buttoned down, wire rimmed glasses leaves the group.”
Saves me an entire line – thanks.

It's my understanding that O.C. is generally used for television and sitcoms where O.S. is for film. Not a big deal either way, everyone knows what you mean. Just pointing it out.


Quoted Text
You are correct. I’ve changed this throughout.



Quoted Text
Dialogue on page 3 - 5 felt a bit forced, just the explanation of the VR, how it works, and where to get it. Not sure how you could get the point across any better but it just felt unnatural.


Noted. Right now I’m happy with it – I think I need that explanation. Will give it another look though.


Quoted Text
Probably for a good reason later, but would anyone really do this
?

Nobody normal.  Marquis would not have this guy’s number or ask for it. I wanted Eddy to seem a little desperate for a friend. i.e., the purpose of the unusual behavior.  I am okay with it as is.


Quoted Text
Interested to know why you would change between the two (O.S. Vs O.C.)? Typo maybe?

Looked through the script again – I have these issues throughout – thanks. Have fixed.



Quoted Text
are moving in


Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
Any particular reason Alyssa is in caps here? She has already been introduced.


Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
Over writing for the sake of it. Steps behind JANET.


I like this one as is.


Quoted Text
Not sure the phone to his ear is required.


I like this one as is.

Quoted Text

I'm going for an early call on Eddy being the killer.


You would not be the first one - but, are you right???


Quoted Text
What purpose does this ellipse serve before the dialogue? I'm not sure how this would read.


Arrrgh. Sloppy on my part. When I draft I put them in front of sentences I want to re-review later and then key word search on … - except I forgot to get rid of them. You’ll see about 30 of these. Now fixed. Thanks.


Quoted Text
As an FBI agent wouldn’t he have seen a lot worse? And what he has seen hasn’t really been that bad, has it?

Don’t agree here. He’s commenting in terms of seeing it in a entertainment game. E.g., a Cop might see all kinds of horrific things in real life and still be disgusted that someone would put them in a game.


Quoted Text
Just something I noticed but not really a massive issue, you do a bit of this word repetition. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Okay, okay. I mention it only because 17 pages in and I noticed it.

I like it – seems natural to me. Not a good sign that it is noticeable though so will certainly take another look.


Quoted Text
When I go through my work I generally find that the word "just" is rarely needed but for some reason it creeps in a lot. You have two in this bit of dialogue. I think it reads better without and still makes the same point.

Agree – one just just deleted.


Quoted Text
I fell like there needs to be a comma after SCREAM.


It’s correct as is.


Quoted Text
I usually never use names that end in s for this reason because I don’t quite understand the rule. Shouldn’t this be Ereboses or Erebos'? Some sort of ownership of the wings.

Should be Erebos’. – Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
I’m not sure how to comment on this, but the virtual world allows you a lot of freedom with scene locations. You change scenes several times under the slug VIRTUAL REALITY - DARK WORLD. Will this pose some sort of problem if this were to go into production?

The million dollar question for me. In my first draft I used slugs within the Dark World and it read confusing as hell. i.e., already bouncing back and forth between VR and Real World and scenes with the VR really made it confusing. I know how I handled it is technically wrong, but it reads better. I’m still debating on what to do.


Quoted Text
A few 'we do this, we do that' creeping in.


Noted – will check them out. Generally I want to avoid this.


Quoted Text
Again both of these are V.O.'s what distinction are you making between them?


A mistake. I think they should both be VO. Thanks. PS – I think I made this type of error many times – I am searching script and fixing them so you will run across them again – I got it though thanks to you note.


Quoted Text
Wouldn’t this be O.S. as Hannah isn’t in the game, she is just off screen?


See above.


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That double speak again. I know people talk like this, but do they really do it that often?


I think they do. At least to my ear. But will look for this type of thing on next run through.


Quoted Text
This is what I was talking about earlier about ownership and names ending with s. Wouldn’t the same rule apply to Erebos?


Yes – should be Erebos’ – thanks.


Quoted Text
It doesn’t really read well when you lead from an unfinished sentence into a full slug. A mini slug it works well and most people do it and so do I but this doesn’t work for me.


Concur – fixed.


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Can probably lose the "He can hear the" part.


Concur – fixed.


Quoted Text
locked and loaded


Fixed.


Quoted Text
Completely a style/artistic thing, but I'm not a fan of seeing this type of thing in a script. One of the recent QC entries had a similar entry and I didn’t like that either. It's almost like you’re telling the director what font to use when they carve the chair. For me personally, it adds nothing to the story


I kind of like it – note – you find more when you get to the poems.  However,  I will more than likely change back to conventional when I get this ready for contests, etc. as although it pleases me – I am sure that others will have issues.

Thanks a ton for the notes so far Warren - very helpful and I was able to use them to correct similar errors later on in the script - hopefully when you read the rest they won't derail the read too much. Thanks a million for taking the time. Much appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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eldave1
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Quoted from BSaunders
Ah, David, I've been looking forward to this since you mentioned it.

I've done a fair bit of reading tonight and my eyes are bitching it, but I'll get onto this tomorrow.


Thanks - appreciated, buddy


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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Hi Dave,

All done.

SPOILERS

So first up I'd be lying if I said the logline grabbed me. It's well written and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but when I saw virtual reality I though... oh this is going to be a tough one to get though just because it's not my kind of thing.

But, this was a great read, well rounded characters, an intricate, well thought through story that makes sense, lots of tension and suspense. I agree that this is more of a thriller than a drama, it's edge of your seat stuff.

I really liked the relationship between Marquis and Holland.

Initially I thought it was Eddy, then when you mentioned the PTSD and around the page 50 mark I was sure it was Marquis and I thought I still had 70 pages of a predictable story to read but that clearly wasn’t the case.

I mentioned it before but there is a lot of that double speak, maybe it's used to define a character but it does get a bit annoying.

There are some typos, I didn’t take notes as requested but somewhere there in a ") )" and a ", , ".

I’m not a happy ending person so the last line was just a bit too much for me and so Hollywood, and they lived happily ever after.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest but I felt the ending as a whole could have packed a bit more punch. It felt a little too easy, and although I know Isaac's demise ties perfectly into the story, I'd have liked to see a bit more, I don’t know, action? Tension? Something, I don’t know. Be good to hear others thoughts.

All in all, if you didn’t change a thing I still say this was a fantastic read, well written and for the large page count it flies by. Some Formatting choices I wasn’t a fan of which I mentioned in my other post but they are a matter of personal preference and don’t really affect the read.

Congrats on another Page finalist


Thanks a ton Warren - I know it is a lot to slog through a feature and really appreciate your efforts on this one.

I am still playing around with the format/scene headings etc. So I hear you there - just have decided a course yet.

As I mentioned in my prior response to you - the typo notes you had early on enabled me to fix a lot later on.

SPOILER

On the ending. First - I agree. It is the least satisfying part of the story for me. Now, I do like that Marquis tells Isaac to jump and that Isaac feels that this means he has won the game. Better than a stereotypical don't jump.

But the last two pages - any one could have written because they have been written a hundred times. I finally just spit them out after having wracked by brain for the better part of two weeks.

I have one ending where Hannah does suffer brain damage and Marquis quits her job to care for her. One where she dies (Marquis finds out just before he says the word jump) and it ends with Isaac on the pavement. I tossed both of those thinking - no that is not what the reader wants - too much a downer.

So I agree with you and I want a different last two pages. I just have not imagined what they should be yet.  Hoping that it just comes to me.

Thanks again - make sure to hit me up if you ever need a read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Warren
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Being the downer that I am, I think hearing that Hannah died just before he tells him to jump would be great. I also think it gives that last scene a more sombre feel, things aren’t perfect but they are potentially looking up in some way.

I think you have read everything I've ever written so all good as this point, but thanks.

All the best.


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eldave1
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Quoted from Warren
Being the downer that I am, I think hearing that Hannah died just before he tells him to jump would be great. I also think it gives that last scene a more sombre feel, things aren’t perfect but they are potentially looking up in some way.

I think you have read everything I've ever written so all good as this point, but thanks.

All the best.


Thanks much, Warren


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khamanna
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Hey Dave, I'm travelling right now, so will be reading this without taking notes and writing from my phone. I'm actually on p28.
You got my interest going, I surely want to know what it's about.
The only thing - at the beginning I was not so invested, the beginning was a bit sudden. I wish I got to know more about Marquis. Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm and it's only on p7. Then I see he hasn't visited the cemetery for good 5 years (smth like that) and I get curious to see why. But you dropped the subject.

So, up to the point when he learns that it's the same Janet the story doesn't hold my attention that much. When you showed it's the same girl my attention sky-rocketed immediately.
I'm also not excited about a scene with two detectives I don't know about, talking to each other (Sanchez and Holland). It disrupts the flow for me. And I didn't listen to them that much. I won't recognize them when I see them again.

I'm definitely reading, very curious to see where it's going!
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Warren
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Quoted Text
Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm


Malcolm isn’t his son, it's his brother. It's quite clear from what is written on the grave stone.


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khamanna
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It says "loving son and brother" but the years should have told me he was Marquis' brother - you're right. It's just later on we were introduced to Hannah and that's when I subconsiously took him for Marquis' son.
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eldave1
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Quoted from khamanna
Hey Dave, I'm travelling right now, so will be reading this without taking notes and writing from my phone. I'm actually on p28.
You got my interest going, I surely want to know what it's about.
The only thing - at the beginning I was not so invested, the beginning was a bit sudden. I wish I got to know more about Marquis. Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm and it's only on p7. Then I see he hasn't visited the cemetery for good 5 years (smth like that) and I get curious to see why. But you dropped the subject.

So, up to the point when he learns that it's the same Janet the story doesn't hold my attention that much. When you showed it's the same girl my attention sky-rocketed immediately.
I'm also not excited about a scene with two detectives I don't know about, talking to each other (Sanchez and Holland). It disrupts the flow for me. And I didn't listen to them that much. I won't recognize them when I see them again.

I'm definitely reading, very curious to see where it's going!


Thanks, Khamanna: Look forward to your thoughts (PS - Malcolm is his brother).


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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BSaunders
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Emailed you my thoughts, Dave
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khamanna
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Hey again, Dave. I'm almost over and have things to tell you but it just will take me time to write it from my phone, so I'll do it some other day.

The only thing I wanted to say immediately is - this is very original, and maybe you better package it and start submitting as is. It's just if no one touched that angle maybe it's better if you were first. Well maybe change a bit at the beginning and make us wonder what kind of person Marquis is and what he wants. Instead of the long talk on the device with Eddy.
I have plenty of other thoughts but it's very well developped and a very captivating read. Plus it is overly original and the prop you chose is at the hype now. I'm just thinking you'll be the first which is a huge plus. Also it's a pretty great script as is - I'm sure you know.
One other thing I would say - I got surprised when Alicia got the murderer and thought he got Hannah right away. But I suppose possible if it was them three (judge her and the other guy as main perpatrators - Isaac's father's enemies I mean) still could be tweaked perhaps. Few other things but I think a producer might not think them and come up with a different list for you.
I'll tell you later anyway, but I'm tginking you better act with this right away.

Oh and about the prop - as you were wondering if the formatting was clear - It was all clear as day for me and very visual.
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eldave1
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Quoted from BSaunders
Emailed you my thoughts, Dave


Got them and responded - thanks a heap, friend. Appreciated


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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eldave1
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Quoted from khamanna
Hey again, Dave. I'm almost over and have things to tell you but it just will take me time to write it from my phone, so I'll do it some other day.

The only thing I wanted to say immediately is - this is very original, and maybe you better package it and start submitting as is. It's just if no one touched that angle maybe it's better if you were first. Well maybe change a bit at the beginning and make us wonder what kind of person Marquis is and what he wants. Instead of the long talk on the device with Eddy.
I have plenty of other thoughts but it's very well developped and a very captivating read. Plus it is overly original and the prop you chose is at the hype now. I'm just thinking you'll be the first which is a huge plus. Also it's a pretty great script as is - I'm sure you know.
One other thing I would say - I got surprised when Alicia got the murderer and thought he got Hannah right away. But I suppose possible if it was them three (judge her and the other guy as main perpatrators - Isaac's father's enemies I mean) still could be tweaked perhaps. Few other things but I think a producer might not think them and come up with a different list for you.
I'll tell you later anyway, but I'm tginking you better act with this right away.

Oh and about the prop - as you were wondering if the formatting was clear - It was all clear as day for me and very visual.


Khamanna - thanks so much for the read and for posting your thoughts. Truly appreciated. Job 1 on for me on this was to see if I got make the shifts from real world to dark world clear and am delighted that you found it clear. Thanks again.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Abe from LA
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Hey Dave,

Just a bump for now, but I've been reading Dark World and find it most enjoyable. I hope to post a review on the first 10-15 pages tonight. As for reading, I'm on page 40.

Abe
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eldave1
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Quoted from Abe from LA
Hey Dave,

Just a bump for now, but I've been reading Dark World and find it most enjoyable. I hope to post a review on the first 10-15 pages tonight. As for reading, I'm on page 40.

Abe


Thanks, Abe - most appreciated


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Abe from LA
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DARK WORLD

Sorry for the delay, Dave. I ended up working till 3 am. and was useless thereafter.  I’ll try to get through the first 15 pages quickly, before I go back to work.

On your title page, you don’t need a colon after the by(, before your name.

P 1 —  Works for me.  Nice setup. You use the word “large” twice in one sentence, describing the flag and the pole. You probably don’t need both.
First interior scene gets us in ‘late’ and ‘out’ early. Nice.  You introduce 3 characters, all ethnic: African American, Vietnamese and Hispanic. A real All-American cast, ha ha. Maybe you can mention how many people are at the gathering.

When Marquis goes to his office and ‘reads’ the gift tag, is that an insert or is he reading to himself? Not a big deal.

Didn’t care for his “what” or “really”? dialogue/reaction to the gift.
Maybe go with his expression:  Surprised, puzzled, pleased, etc.

MY INITIAL THOUGHT:  The gift was from his wife of girlfriend.  But his reaction was not met with a ‘smile,’ so I thought either an office gift exchange or perhaps something ominous.

On page 2, Marquis pops his head out of his office and sees Eddy. Instead of the word “sees” can you use a stronger verb. Maybe ‘observes’ or something in keeping with his nature, his job.
I mention this because in that brief instant, he is sizing up the situation — that Eddy is on the outside looking in (at the party). No friends. Lonely. The Christmas season.

How far is Eddy’s office from Marquis’?  Instead of just calling out to Eddy, do you think Marquis might walk to the IT guy? Not a big deal on the surface, but it would say something about Marquis’ character. That he (instinctively) is trying to bridge a gap that likely exists between most people and Eddy.  Just a thought.

GOING back to Marquis’ office.

Does Eddy have any chutzpah? If he does, he might be sarcastic here and say something about being off the clock. Or that he has his own party to get to.  This would let Marquis know that Eddy has his pride.
Or, maybe Eddy is a milquetoast. A guy who accepts his role of being ignored, overlooked.  A pseudo-Bobby Gold type (‘Homicide’ by Mamet), who is willing to be the first guy through the door, because it is expected. And that he has little worth.
Whatever is fine with me. Just trying to get a grasp on who Eddy is at this very early stage of the script.

BTW, I do not suspect Eddy to be the antagonist.  It would be too obvious. He’s creepy, he’s an outcast, and he’s a tech geek, but that could have its virtues in this story. I am hoping that he becomes an ally, a guy with a skill and a desire to help out a ‘friend’ — Marquis.

In the office, Eddy shares his knowledge of VR.  A necessary scene, but it kind of feels tacked on to the previous scene. Which makes it feel forced or rushed.  
Or maybe it’s one long scene, which needs separation. Some breathing room.
Suggestion:   How about a new location for the VR scene?  Just my take.

At some point, I’d enjoy seeing Marquis treat Eddy with respect.  Maybe they talk over pizza and beer.  Doesn’t necessarily have to be now.

If you stay with the office scene on pages 3 to 6.5, maybe consider leaving the Dark World ap for a bit later.

I wondered why there was no curiosity as to who delivered the package.  Marquis never inquired — unless I missed it.  When he saw Eddy looking glum as the office party was in swing, I thought initially that Marquis was going to inquire about anybody lurking the corridors. Afterall, if Eddy didn’t give the gift, he might surely have seen who did.  That ran through my mind…  and more on this later.

P 6 — I see you are introducing Isaac. A janitor.  But from his actions, he seems to have an attitude.  He tosses the Christmas card without looking inside? Something’s up. We’ll see...

P7 — Cemetery scene. This scene again feels like it's there for the sake of the movie. I'm sure you have an organic reason for this, but just a gut on my part that it feels off. Not sure about that bit of dialogue, "It should have been me."  More on this sibling thing later.
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eldave1
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Abe - thanks for the read so far and the comments. Sorry you're working so much.


Quoted Text
P 1 —  Works for me.  Nice setup. You use the word “large” twice in one sentence, describing the flag and the pole. You probably don’t need both.


Good catch - thanks.


Quoted Text
First interior scene gets us in ‘late’ and ‘out’ early. Nice.  You introduce 3 characters, all ethnic: African American, Vietnamese and Hispanic. A real All-American cast, ha ha. Maybe you can mention how many people are at the gathering.


Nice suggestion - made it forty or so.


Quoted Text
When Marquis goes to his office and ‘reads’ the gift tag, is that an insert or is he reading to himself? Not a big deal.


One I can let the Director figure out I think.


Quoted Text
Didn’t care for his “what” or “really”? dialogue/reaction to the gift.
Maybe go with his expression:  Surprised, puzzled, pleased, etc.


Puzzled is good.


Quoted Text
MY INITIAL THOUGHT:  The gift was from his wife of girlfriend.  But his reaction was not met with a ‘smile,’ so I thought either an office gift exchange or perhaps something ominous.


I think the secret Santa works as a clarification. It is a common office tradition.


Quoted Text
On page 2, Marquis pops his head out of his office and sees Eddy. Instead of the word “sees” can you use a stronger verb. Maybe ‘observes’ or something in keeping with his nature, his job.I mention this because in that brief instant, he is sizing up the situation — that Eddy is on the outside looking in (at the party). No friends. Lonely. The Christmas season.


Actually it says he spots Eddy. I like at as is - he was searching for someone and spots them.


Quoted Text
How far is Eddy’s office from Marquis’?  Instead of just calling out to Eddy, do you think Marquis might walk to the IT guy? Not a big deal on the surface, but it would say something about Marquis’ character. That he (instinctively) is trying to bridge a gap that likely exists between most people and Eddy.  Just a thought.


I'm okay with what I got here. He wants Eddy to see what's in the office - wouldn't really walk over there and then walk back.


Quoted Text
Does Eddy have any chutzpah? If he does, he might be sarcastic here and say something about being off the clock. Or that he has his own party to get to.  This would let Marquis know that Eddy has his pride. Or, maybe Eddy is a milquetoast. A guy who accepts his role of being ignored, overlooked.  A pseudo-Bobby Gold type (‘Homicide’ by Mamet), who is willing to be the first guy through the door, because it is expected. And that he has little worth.
Whatever is fine with me. Just trying to get a grasp on who Eddy is at this very early stage of the script.


Eddy is a nerd - socially awkward and a bit out of place in a world with FBI Agents. He finds more comfort in the things he can control and understand (computers, etc) than he is with people.


Quoted Text
BTW, I do not suspect Eddy to be the antagonist.  It would be too obvious. He’s creepy, he’s an outcast, and he’s a tech geek, but that could have its virtues in this story. I am hoping that he becomes an ally, a guy with a skill and a desire to help out a ‘friend’ — Marquis.


We'll see


Quoted Text
In the office, Eddy shares his knowledge of VR.  A necessary scene, but it kind of feels tacked on to the previous scene. Which makes it feel forced or rushed.  Or maybe it’s one long scene, which needs separation. Some breathing room. Suggestion:   How about a new location for the VR scene?  Just my take.


I'm okay as is - I need to explain how this stuff works as it as the foundation for a lot of things that happen later.


Quoted Text
At some point, I’d enjoy seeing Marquis treat Eddy with respect.  Maybe they talk over pizza and beer.  Doesn’t necessarily have to be now.


There is a moment later


Quoted Text
If you stay with the office scene on pages 3 to 6.5, maybe consider leaving the Dark World ap for a bit later.


I'm okay with it as is


Quoted Text
I wondered why there was no curiosity as to who delivered the package.  Marquis never inquired — unless I missed it.  When he saw Eddy looking glum as the office party was in swing, I thought initially that Marquis was going to inquire about anybody lurking the corridors. Afterall, if Eddy didn’t give the gift, he might surely have seen who did.  That ran through my mind…  and more on this later.


It's a Secret Santa - a common anonymous gift giving activity that many businesses engage in around Christmas (just a random name drawing thing)


Quoted Text
P7 — Cemetery scene. This scene again feels like it's there for the sake of the movie. I'm sure you have an organic reason for this, but just a gut on my part that it feels off. Not sure about that bit of dialogue, "It should have been me."  More on this sibling thing later.


It is foundational to stuff that happens later on.

Abe - thanks again for the read and the comments - appreciate your efforts


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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DanielW
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I've only been reading scripts on this website for less than a month, and so far this writer stands out with this flowing, entertaining thriller. If you're an inexperienced writer like myself, I recommend you read the whole script. You won't be disappointed.                
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HyperMatt
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Thanks, I'll give this one a read.
I think us fledgling screenwriters can learn a lot from both good and bad scripts.


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eldave1
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Quoted from DanielW
I've only been reading scripts on this website for less than a month, and so far this writer stands out with this flowing, entertaining thriller. If you're an inexperienced writer like myself, I recommend you read the whole script. You won't be disappointed.                


Thanks much, Daniel - appreciate the read and glad you liked it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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MarkItZero
Posted: September 11th, 2017, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Emailed you notes.


That rug really tied the room together.
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eldave1
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Quoted from MarkItZero
Emailed you notes.


Got them - responded. Great stuff - thanks a million


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Abe from LA
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Dark World Critique #2

Back on it after a delay.

By page 10 you do a nice job of setting up Marquis’ life style, his family and his nature. His wife is a professional with a real life and Hannah is off to college.

The wife and daughter are familiar characters, and the relationships are not unique.  That’s not bad, just a mention.

Some good details, such as the HS grad photo of Hannah. You’re planting a lot of seeds that give us meaning, and possibly could be revisited later.

I’d like to see where this relationship between Marquis and his brother takes us.  I sense his guilt in Malcolm’s death, but there has been an absence since visiting his brother’s grave. Wondering what has triggered this reconnection.  Time of the season? The holidays is generally “family” time, so need explanation needed.

By page 12, Marquis gets an alert from DW. Good, we’re back into the heart of story. We meet Erebos. A little confusion at top of Page 13, when Marquis jumps back — in the real world. I guess Marquis is still in the VR world. Ah, we meet the woman in collar and chains. She looks ‘real.’  Good of you to mention the differences.

I like that Erebos has introduced the victim with the cryptic challenge to Marquis, ‘will you save her?’ And Erebos speaks Marquis’ name – Excellent choice. Making this more than just a game. It’s personal.

Now the race is on. I like where this is going.  Singling out one character, who is virtually alone in his quest — at this point — helps your script to rise above the usual.

Okay, Marquis is concerned. Calls Eddy on the phone. Hmm, sure would like to see Marquis discussing this situation with Eddy in person. At Eddy’s Tech Pad?

I guess you have your reason(s) for keeping this conversation via a phone.  

Marquis is ticked off. Disgusted, perplexed, definitely put off by the visual of this VR world.  Especially with such a Human-life victim in Janet.

Eddy has a key bit of dialogue that I asked regarding how Marquis’ name being incorporated into the ‘game.’
EDDY:  Maybe whoever bought it for you did.

Good point. So, wouldn’t Marquis make the identity of his Secret Santa one of his priorities? Aren’t there security cameras in the Fed building? If not now, maybe later, Marquis will be all over the security footage to learn the ID of his Secret Santa.  Just mentioning, as it could be coming.

Kind of funny at the bottom of P 16, with Marquis issuing a warning to Hannah abut “steering clear” of the VR.  If it’s not dating, booze, drugs and staying on a college campus, let’s add VR to that growing list of a father’s list of concerns. Ha, I love it.  Marquis is a very protective dad, as are most.

Top of Page 17. Uh-oh, the dreaded ‘rolling of the eyes.’

LAPD and the missing girl.  Kind of reminds me of ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ the high-profile daughter being abducted.  Not a bad thing at all. Oh, two new Fed agents:  Stevenson and Goodwell. Ha, what a pair — prune face and redheaded pale boy. Let’s see if they are more competent than their physical descriptions.
And not to forget, Director Davis. She seems more professional. Is she friend or foe? Time will tell.

By P 19, we have an alert of Janet Evers gone missing. Marquis is reacting to the mention of her name.  What if he sees the photo first? And maybe for a split second can’t quite place Janet.  Never mind. I see you have your reasons for delaying the photo, which builds tension.

P 21 back in VR. Erebos laying down some rules. Lots of screaming in the b.g.  Eerie world indeed. I like it.
P 22 — We are lead down a narrow corridor…uh, the verb is led.
P 23 —  Alright (all right) is actually two separate words. But few know that. And most could care less. Alright, enough of that.
Off to save Janet.

So far, the pacing is great, characters have some meat to them, tension is taut, I like the VR world and Erebos is  mysterious and pleasantly evil.

—  Sept. 17 -- I have actually read the entire script by now. I’m just putting out my reactions to the first 23 pages. On the next round, I’ll address the script in its entirety.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Abe from LA
Dark World Critique #2

Back on it after a delay.

By page 10 you do a nice job of setting up Marquis’ life style, his family and his nature. His wife is a professional with a real life and Hannah is off to college.

The wife and daughter are familiar characters, and the relationships are not unique.  That’s not bad, just a mention.

Some good details, such as the HS grad photo of Hannah. You’re planting a lot of seeds that give us meaning, and possibly could be revisited later.

I’d like to see where this relationship between Marquis and his brother takes us.  I sense his guilt in Malcolm’s death, but there has been an absence since visiting his brother’s grave. Wondering what has triggered this reconnection.  Time of the season? The holidays is generally “family” time, so need explanation needed.

By page 12, Marquis gets an alert from DW. Good, we’re back into the heart of story. We meet Erebos. A little confusion at top of Page 13, when Marquis jumps back — in the real world. I guess Marquis is still in the VR world. Ah, we meet the woman in collar and chains. She looks ‘real.’  Good of you to mention the differences.

I like that Erebos has introduced the victim with the cryptic challenge to Marquis, ‘will you save her?’ And Erebos speaks Marquis’ name – Excellent choice. Making this more than just a game. It’s personal.

Now the race is on. I like where this is going.  Singling out one character, who is virtually alone in his quest — at this point — helps your script to rise above the usual.

Okay, Marquis is concerned. Calls Eddy on the phone. Hmm, sure would like to see Marquis discussing this situation with Eddy in person. At Eddy’s Tech Pad?

I guess you have your reason(s) for keeping this conversation via a phone.  

Marquis is ticked off. Disgusted, perplexed, definitely put off by the visual of this VR world.  Especially with such a Human-life victim in Janet.

Eddy has a key bit of dialogue that I asked regarding how Marquis’ name being incorporated into the ‘game.’
EDDY:  Maybe whoever bought it for you did.

Good point. So, wouldn’t Marquis make the identity of his Secret Santa one of his priorities? Aren’t there security cameras in the Fed building? If not now, maybe later, Marquis will be all over the security footage to learn the ID of his Secret Santa.  Just mentioning, as it could be coming.

Kind of funny at the bottom of P 16, with Marquis issuing a warning to Hannah abut “steering clear” of the VR.  If it’s not dating, booze, drugs and staying on a college campus, let’s add VR to that growing list of a father’s list of concerns. Ha, I love it.  Marquis is a very protective dad, as are most.

Top of Page 17. Uh-oh, the dreaded ‘rolling of the eyes.’

LAPD and the missing girl.  Kind of reminds me of ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ the high-profile daughter being abducted.  Not a bad thing at all. Oh, two new Fed agents:  Stevenson and Goodwell. Ha, what a pair — prune face and redheaded pale boy. Let’s see if they are more competent than their physical descriptions.
And not to forget, Director Davis. She seems more professional. Is she friend or foe? Time will tell.

By P 19, we have an alert of Janet Evers gone missing. Marquis is reacting to the mention of her name.  What if he sees the photo first? And maybe for a split second can’t quite place Janet.  Never mind. I see you have your reasons for delaying the photo, which builds tension.

P 21 back in VR. Erebos laying down some rules. Lots of screaming in the b.g.  Eerie world indeed. I like it.
P 22 — We are lead down a narrow corridor…uh, the verb is led.
P 23 —  Alright (all right) is actually two separate words. But few know that. And most could care less. Alright, enough of that.
Off to save Janet.

So far, the pacing is great, characters have some meat to them, tension is taut, I like the VR world and Erebos is  mysterious and pleasantly evil.

—  Sept. 17 -- I have actually read the entire script by now. I’m just putting out my reactions to the first 23 pages. On the next round, I’ll address the script in its entirety.


Thanks for the notes, Abe. Appreciated.  Great catch on led/alright. Amazing how many times I can look at something and miss it. Look forward to your impression of the story.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Anon
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Hey there. Good job. I read the whole thing. It's similar in structure and tone to one of mine so i found it extra interesting.

Won't bother with nitpicks but one thing really bothered me. When they had people check the VR gear out i assumed that would include his phone. It is immediately obvious that it would be the app - if anything - causing this shit. Just checking the VR headset is like someone checking the monitor but not the computer. So when your protag said 'i can't believe we missed it' i was already way ahead of him.

Sorry to focus on that one point but it bugged me and there will be an easy fix.

One other thing that i think will enhance this is character introductions. Unless appearances are particularly important - a little more depth about who these people are would be good. But that's a style thing and we all have our own so feel free to give the the finger there.

But all in all solid plot, structure and pace.
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eldave1
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Quoted from Anon
Hey there. Good job. I read the whole thing. It's similar in structure and tone to one of mine so i found it extra interesting.

Won't bother with nitpicks but one thing really bothered me. When they had people check the VR gear out i assumed that would include his phone. It is immediately obvious that it would be the app - if anything - causing this shit. Just checking the VR headset is like someone checking the monitor but not the computer. So when your protag said 'i can't believe we missed it' i was already way ahead of him.

Sorry to focus on that one point but it bugged me and there will be an easy fix.

One other thing that i think will enhance this is character introductions. Unless appearances are particularly important - a little more depth about who these people are would be good. But that's a style thing and we all have our own so feel free to give the the finger there.

But all in all solid plot, structure and pace.


Alex: Thanks much for the read and comments - appreciated.

Agree with you on the checking the phone APP - was trying to delay that and hoping that Davis actually looking at the APP through the headset and seeing just the game would help with the logic there - I think you are the 3rd person to have mentioned this so it is a problem to be fixed.

I'll take another look at the character descriptions.

Again - thanks much for the time and feedback.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
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Dave,

Here are my notes. Overall, a very good story that kept me glued to the pages. It was a breeze to read, very well written. Again, I am sorry for not being able to pick this apart. I really did not find much I would want to change except for some things listed below, and they are minor points.

DARK WORLD

Good first ten. Nice set up. Smart of you adding a little cultural diversity in there. I like the slugs, don’t think they’re repetitive by mentioning certain words in your action. It’s actually helping me keep track of where I am, and that’s a good thing.

Also, it’s not lost on me how you have Christmas as the backdrop here. Lots of great actioners do, as I’m sure you already know.

Pg 17: As I’m so fond of saying: people only use chopsticks in the movies and it drives me nuts!

Dave, I’m on page 38 and I haven’t found a single thing yet I would change. Your first act runs a little long, but the action is taut and no one scene overstays it’s welcome. Excellent writing thus far!

Pg 65 and I’m wondering at this point, because Alyssa knows the situation, but we never did see Marquis telling her about exactly WHAT happened, so I’m wondering now if he told her or didn’t tell her. Is this an oversight on your part? Because I’m starting to get the feeling that Alyssa might be a suspect.

Pg 81 Only thing I’d change so far is Maquis saying “Christ, of course…” He said something similar about Janet Evers, and I don’t feel it needs to be repeated here. Just “Neath the lake with a silver sheen” seems to be just fine. Actually, I think you can lose the first time Marquis says it, too, in regards to Janet. It just sounds cliché.

So far, a very nice mystery you’ve built up here. I’m catching myself thinking about possible suspects, yet I still have no clear idea who it is. Great writing, and let me take this moment to apologize for not coming up with anything more critical to use or change. So far, there’s barely anything I’d change, and this is travelling along at a damn brisk pace.

(just so you know, Eddy’s on my list of possibles, but I thought him too obvious! That said, both Marquis’ wife and daughter are on my list, as well.)

Pg 89-90  I’m just playing along at this point. Eddy Gates is being buried, and the very next thing you show is Alyssa in her heels? Hmm. I told you she’s one of my suspects, and if she turns out to be the killer then that’s a dead giveaway in my book.

Ahh – Okay. That makes sense. So much for my instincts. There’s Marquis talking to himself again on pg 95, “How did I miss that?” Don’t like it, but it might just be me.

Okay, so now Marquis has everybody watching him as he visits Dark World. Does Erebos/Isaac hear as he’s speaking to the other agents in the room? Isaac hears Marquis when he’s being spoken to so I’m just curious. Perhaps I’m missing something, but if not then that’s a major logic hole for me. Perhaps Marquis is covering his mouth when speaking to the agents and I just missed it.

The tag at the end. I like the redo of the Christmas party, but I feel the last scene at Marquis' home needs a little something more. Perhaps a cheesy "I'm too old for this shit" kinda line? You could actually reference Marquis talking to himself - the ones I didn't like - and throw that in there somehow as I think it stands out and could be played to some effect at the very end. Up to you, of course.

I'd be willing to read the next version when you get it posted. Good luck with it, Dave. I feel it has a lot of potential as is.

Steve


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eldave1
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Steve: thanks tons for the read - appreciated and glad you liked it.


Quoted Text
Pg 81 Only thing I’d change so far is Maquis saying “Christ, of course…” He said something similar about Janet Evers, and I don’t feel it needs to be repeated here. Just “Neath the lake with a silver sheen” seems to be just fine. Actually, I think you can lose the first time Marquis says it, too, in regards to Janet. It just sounds cliché.


I concur - thanks for pointing it out


Quoted Text
Ahh – Okay. That makes sense. So much for my instincts. There’s Marquis talking to himself again on pg 95, “How did I miss that?” Don’t like it, but it might just be me.


Concur here - something more clever or nothing would be better


Quoted Text
Okay, so now Marquis has everybody watching him as he visits Dark World. Does Erebos/Isaac hear as he’s speaking to the other agents in the room? Isaac hears Marquis when he’s being spoken to so I’m just curious. Perhaps I’m missing something, but if not then that’s a major logic hole for me. Perhaps Marquis is covering his mouth when speaking to the agents and I just missed it.


Marquis does hold his hand over the mic - Erebos can't see but he can hear. I'll double check it for clarity.


Quoted Text
The tag at the end. I like the redo of the Christmas party, but I feel the last scene at Marquis' home needs a little something more. Perhaps a cheesy "I'm too old for this shit" kinda line? You could actually reference Marquis talking to himself - the ones I didn't like - and throw that in there somehow as I think it stands out and could be played to some effect at the very end. Up to you, of course.


Got to re-work the ending. Warren had pointed out that it's too happy/on the nose and I agree. I want to get at something less expected.

Thanks again for your time. I appreciate that you took it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SteveClark
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My pleasure, Dave. I really enjoyed it. And regarding your OTN-too-happy-ending... The ending you’re looking for is probably somewhere in the script itself. Something somebody said, or did, reappears to bring some kind of light-hearted, or sarcastic, closure. Food for thought.

Steve


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eldave1
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Quoted from SteveClark
My pleasure, Dave. I really enjoyed it. And regarding your OTN-too-happy-ending... The ending you’re looking for is probably somewhere in the script itself. Something somebody said, or did, reappears to bring some kind of light-hearted, or sarcastic, closure. Food for thought.

Steve


Thanks - I'm sure something will come to me eventually


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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