Releasing Frank by Glynn Turner - Thriller - Frank has ten hours to get out of prison, get his family back and to get even.  94 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Glynn,

The story is really nice. Enjoyed reading it.

Since I'm not sure if you are active on the forum( which I highly doubt otherwise), so I won't go much into details. Just like to nit-pick that the interconnections of the events between the characters at the end is little bit confusing to understand. I understood that --- it's just that it took me some time( presumably read twice) to grasp it. Other than that, it's an engaging read.

Good luck.

Hi Yuvraj, feel free to nit-pick away, I like to take all comments on board, good or bad, thats how we get better.  I really appreciate you reading it - twice!  Thanks a lot and thanks for your nice words.  If anything annoyed you or confused you I can take all the criticism you want to throw at me, I always want to improve my screenplays.  Thanks a lot for taking the time to read it and comment.  I will have a look at what you mention.
Cheers
Glynn

I just noticed your comment.

You have to be active on the forum and comment on other people's scripts. SS works on quid pro quo.

Hey Glynn,

The logline is somewhat amputated. I do struggle with loglines myself, so I don't have too much of
an input, but it would be good to know more what/who Frank is getting even with.

Read a few pages, has a nice feel to it.

Some nit picks on the 1st 2 pages, take it for what it's worth. I'm new to screenwriting, always learning like yourself.

* Does SMASH OPEN: replace FADE IN:?
* Your first slug needs a SUPER or show us that we are in London.
* If you define a character as SKINHEAD, keep referring to him/her as Skinhead, not just Skin.
* Give characters an age, you refer to younger and oldest, how do I know?
* Your SUPER is redundant on page1, IMO. In a spec script, CUT TO: isn't really needed.
* EXT. DOCKS - EVENING, this needs a SUPER, how do we know that these are the Tilburry Docks?
* B.M.W. seems kind of funky, why not BMW, just my opinion.
* Is/are/does/doesn't/has/had etc., most times, tells us more than shows us in action.
* Try not to go overboard on -ing verbs, ex: brawl instead of brawling.
* Get rid of the --, unless there is some interruption in dialogue. Same goes for ..., unless a pause is needed.
* I would remove any underlining words in action (dialogue ok), and minimize the use of CAPs
in action. Distracts from the read and if action is well written, CAPs might not be needed.
* Page2: Don't repeat in action what's been established in the slug, "warehouse."

Action needs to be tightened, keep it simple.
* "Here we can tell he’s early thirties, but they’ve been a
tough thirty and it shows.", why not indicate Frank's age when we first meet him and
describe a worn-face for example.

* "But Linda suddenly cracks a smile... because despite the cool
exterior, inside she is beaming. Kisses Frank on the mouth."
Maybe something like, Linda cracks a smile, kisses Frank on the mouth.

* "Although not exactly dressed the part - she could certainly
hold her own at a movie premiere." I think this line adds nothing to the story and
you tell us.

Looks like you're trying to create a certain tone/vibe, but mofo and fucking written in action,
not sure if that helps that much. Just my opinion. We all find our own styles of writing, I guess.

The script has a certain vibe to it, and I might return to see if I can plug thru more pages,
focusing more on story/characters.

Good luck with your script.

Frank (not the character)