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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Blood Manor Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 13th, 2020, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blood Manor by Sterling Daniels - Thriller - A couple returns to the husband's childhood home with a group of friends for a weekend of fun.  They find that the Manor steeped with a history of death continues its reputation. 116 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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Sam
Posted: December 14th, 2020, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sterling,

Iím not sure if youíre around so Iíll keep it brief. First of all, well done for completing a feature. Theyíre not easy to finish so well done.

I like your premise, itís a simple idea but it has a lot of promise. Iíve only read about 6 pages so I canít comment on the whole story.

Iím guessing youíre fairly new to screenwriting? Youíre nearly there with the formatting, at first glance it looks like a script. You need to work on the slugs, for example you need to tell us what room of the manor weíre in. Youíre action lines and sentence structures need to be tidied up. You have some long action lines which need to be broken up. Imagine each line is a shot in the film. If the shot changes then youíll need a new line. You donít need to always stick with that but I find it a useful way to look at it.
Youíre dialogue is good but thereís too much of it and I think youíre trying to tell the audience too much which is unnatural.
If you look at the parents argument at the start theyíre telling each other stuff they already know. I like how you introduce unanswered questions to the reader, such as what the Boy did but I think you can be more concise. Also, you should name the characters.

Just a personal preference but I really donít like therapy sessions in screenplays. It feels like an obvious writing tool to explain plot or background to reader without having to bring it up organically. It feels like the story stops and the writer turns to me and just tells me stuff. This isnít a reflection of the therapy scene in this script but just a general comment. Maybe thereís a better way to explain those points, if they even need explaining.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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