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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Point and Shoot Moderators: bert
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  Author    Point and Shoot  (currently 1379 views)
LC
Posted: August 20th, 2021, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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So Steve, transpose that type of scene to her dark room then, or equivalent, cause...

Your opening murder scene is strong. Need a bit more of that threatening foreboding vibe where Jesse is concerned, imho.

I have a few notes coming soon too.

Funnily enough one of them is a duplicate of Andrea's other suggestion re the photographic equipment as a gift from her parents.

Anyway, more later.


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SteveClark
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
So Steve, transpose that type of scene to her dark room then, or equivalent, cause...

Your opening murder scene is strong. Need a bit more of that threatening foreboding vibe where Jesse is concerned, imho.

I have a few notes coming soon too.

Funnily enough one of them is a duplicate of Andrea's other suggestion re the photographic equipment as a gift from her parents.

Anyway, more later.


Excellent point, Libby! Look forward to your thoughts.


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SteveClark
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Andrea,

Thanks for bearing with me for so long. So much going on, work and what not, life stuff, and just sheer procrastination on my part. My apologies. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!



Ahoy Steven,

The super: two weeks later, yet when Taylor and Sheriff Johnson inform Sanderson and Chad about Helen... Chad states this: Wait. This happened almost two nights ago and youíre only telling us now? So shouldnít the super read two days instead?

Nice catch. Thanks!

Here is an unasked-for brain fart thought. How inebriated with the DNA are you? Taylor and Johnson are there to give them an update on Helen, and have follow-up questions. K, were this me - I'd consider dropping the DNA bit, and re-work those few lines. Maybe they've already identified it as Helen's car, and go from there. Don't know if this suggestion would throw your following scene outta whack, but just a thought.

Yeah, another good one. I mean really, why can't they just get the vin number anyways? I was consumed with spreading this out. I guess this was just me building the suspense. I didn't want the police to know right off the bat who it was. I wanted to drag it out a little, and keep the reader reading, so to speak. I think it works, but maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, it was my goal to write little mysteries within the mysteries.

Oh, just a teeny weeny tiny suggestion: The internship. Dave makes a point. And if you're gonna head in that direction( giving Jess a stronger reason to stay)I'd definitely make it an offer she can't refuse. Like drowning in student debt, and he offers to pay it off, too.  

Will think about that, too. Writing this, I remember it was a sticking point for me, but one that I let slide. Even in the writing I was struggling to give Jesse that rock solid reason to stay the course when any sane person would have hit the road

However, I don't entirely agree with her needing a stronger reason. Just as long as it's plausible. That's just my own subjective take.
.
Alicia; This is a pro-level program, Jess. You think the sheriff has something like this?
Jesse; Theyíre not funded by Sanderson Shore.
  

I'm thinking you don't need this. Secondly, If the idea here is to keep Jesse ahead of the authorities at every possible turn. K, you've been doing that so far...and this scene is further evidence of it -  don't overcook the egg. or goose. Or whatever the phrase is.

Will revisit. I love the "they're not funded by Sanderson Shore" line, though!

But if you decide to keep that dialog, I'd definitely tweak Jesse's line for sure.

Oooh, the box of camera equipment that Sanderson gave her -- I'm thinking why couldn't that had been a birthday present from her parents in the beginning.

Good point. I think it was done more to further the relationship between Sanderson and Jesse. Kind of him showing her that he really really wants her to stay on, and to prove it, here's a few thousand in camera equipment. My reasoning anyway. And, in a sense, a way for him to almost guilt her into staying on.

Just a side note: I wanted a bit more backstory on Jesse's fear of that phone. I read those scenes twice. Still not sure I understand it. Yea, I get it, keep it simple...but I thought I'd mention it. That aside, I thought you made good use of the phone - especially when Jesse finally picks it up to thwart the killer, predictable, but good. That said, I'm not sure it delivers the knockout punch I believe you were aiming for. My dollar minus 98c.

Did I not explain her fear of the phone? I'll have to go back again.

Page 26: this line of dialogue. JESSE But not you? I think you mean Sanderson.

Thanks

I had mixed feelings about that waitress bit, but I see where you're coming from. So... fair enough.

I really like the waitress bit. Sort of give em a turn around right off the bat, throw them the old bait and switch. Plus, the story really starts there if you think about it. Alicia and the convo between Rick and Chad, which was a good moment for some tension.

Yea, I know Chad had his issues and all, but him just walking into the police station to confess... A guilty conscious got the better of him I suppose. You see, this is what rings(forgive me) a bit weak for me. I favor getting more creative here.

I can see how you may think that way. I'm leaning towards leaving it in, but will give it a long look and see if I can't touch it up.

Um, I figured out who the killer was earlier on.  A valiant effort throwing suspicion on Sanderson but I dismissed him quickly, Chad too. And Rick,  I just couldn't take him seriously.

I like Rick.   Curious to see if anyone else guessed the killer. I tried to throw shade all around, but... Side note: I struggled with making Taylor the killer only because I knew the sheriff would be the one to gun her down, and I didn't know how that would sit with the type of people I'm trying to market this to. Could be a bit touchy, or off-putting.

Methinks your character work is good and I "got" Jesse entirely.

Thanks. It could always be better.

Alicia -- I liked her, my concern was her overshadowing Jesse. Didn't happen, but I thought I'd mention it.

That's why I got rid of Alicia early on, and kind of let her call things from the sidelines. I was very aware of that.

When Rick calls into the podcast. I was thinking maybe have him use a digitally altered voice instead. Not to get too far into the weeds here, but Johnson and Taylor would surely recognize his voice if they had heard it. And Jesse - she's heard his voice before -- I'm thinking could she not recognize it. Just sayin'.  That aside,  I thought the scene was fine, as you've written it, but I would have opted for something else. For example:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Jesse exhales, pauses. Cramped. Goes hands to knees. Collects her breath. She resumes her jog through a secluded part of the park.

A rustling. A branch snaps. She holds up. Nervous. Scans the area. Is someone following her? A beat.  

She picks up the pace. And then, suddenly -- someone plummets into her like a train, tackles her out of frame! Her scream is immediately muffled. Sheís held down by a MALE FIGURE, he wears a mask, his gloved-hand over her mouth, Then he threatens her, blah, blah, blah...


I know I responded about your jogging scene, but this doesn't sound half bad at all. Still, it remains true, all of these movies seem to have the protag doing some sort of exercise, and it's usually jogging.   That said, I like the altered voice touch because law enforcement are aware of who he is already.

Don't use that. It's just a crap idea off the top of my head. What I'm asking is, can you think of something else to give these scenes extra voltage? I say this because the only real hiccup for me...

In order for a thriller to function optimally, there has to be a real sense of danger. Not because you didnít have any suspense -- it was there. No doubt, a few thrills, but I just never felt Jesses' life was in any real danger until near the end when the phone plays a huge part.  Not even the scene where she was being followed. Now if the driver of that car had tried to run her off the road, or into a ditch.  

Again, another thing I was very aware of. Making sure there were thrills and suspense. Things could always be taken up a notch or two...

I do not discount the fact that it's still geared towards cable tv/ Hallmark...I assume. 'k, I've seen enough of those shows to realize in the grand scheme of things maybe the suspense and thrills you have is enough that it works as is.

Like I said, always a spot or two to shift to a higher gear without making it too intense.

Okay, all I can think of at the moment. Overall, I like this. I liked Jess a lot. She strikes me as a person of integrity and honor. Like I said, it's well written, and the structure is fine. The pacing is very nice, and the story intriguing. But still...me just think you could optimize things a little more.  Even if it's just punching up one of the aforementioned scenes.

Agreed. Optimizing is the key word here.

As are all these comments. If they help some, great. If they don't, chuck em. They are offered as "food for thought." It's your screenplay, you will know what works with your intention and vision and what doesn't. You might have a reason for the choices I'm questioning-- I don't pretend to know. Only offering my middle-of-the-road screenwriter opinion: Not yet pro, but not a newbie, either.  Forgive the grammer errors - I wrote this on the fly. Best regards.

Your comments are important to me, and much appreciated.




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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 31st, 2021, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Steve

Urk, need caffeine. Sooooo... I went back and re-read those scenes -  Ah, ok. I'll stipulate - you did explain her fear.


Quoted Text
My reasoning anyway. And, in a sense, a way for him to almost guilt her into staying on.


Ahhh... gotcha.

Never occurred to me.


Quoted Text
So Steve, transpose that type of scene to her dark room then, or equivalent, cause...

Your opening murder scene is strong. Need a bit more of that threatening foreboding vibe where Jesse is concerned, imho.


Btw -- ditto to Libby. I agree 10000%. You did it right outta the gate with Helen.

Anywho - I'm glad some good came from my notes.


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LC
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Steve, long time coming, apologies for the delay.

First off, love the character name - well I would, wouldn't I? Made me sit up and take notice.  

Your opening scene is terrific - has great shock value and gravitas and is very well written.

You already have notes on the expositional opening scene between Jesse and Alicia, so I won't labor the point, plus I'm assuming this will be edited/changed up in the next draft?

Notes as I read, but also out of chronological order:

Considering you obviously want to keep the rotary phone as a major device, symbolic of Jesse's fears /overcoming them, but then it also coming in handy as a weapon - I think you need more back story to justify it. We need to feel more of her fear and have it clarified as to why?

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1622821502/s-new/

The ' puzzle' cake, indicating Jesse's cleverness definitely needs to be more elaborate imho. You get away with its simplicity by Jesse addressing the topic with Mom by saying -Your clues are getting easier and easier to figure out. but I think you need something cannier here.

Maybe ditch the cake altogether - or have her find something inside the cake - and maybe not straight away? Perhaps it leads to a graduation present of a different type - maybe the detective work towards the end can come from photographic software or some high-tech gadget the parents gift her. Or even the parents surprising her by converting a room in the house into a darkroom for her...instead of Sanderson loading her up with equipment. ? Yep, I had the same thought as Andrea.

A darkroom could be a terrific setpiece imho.
The photographic element of your story should be brought into focus and used more imho. (Sorry about the pun) It's a great device but underutilised.

It's just a bit too easy and doesn't indicate Jesse's special talents for sniffing things out and ingenuity.
Perhaps more creepiness can come from the Podcast too? You have a bit of that towards the finish, but it has potential to be amped up more perhaps?

Everything falls into place a bit too conveniently with the girls being offered work from a very important man.

Why would Chad (a) listen to their Podcast and (b) hire these particular girls?
Sanderson could hire anyone, why them?

Typo p.16
They trod past the girls
with no acknowledgement.

Typo p.
who quickly letís her go

The officers turn to go. Chad grabs Taylor by the arm.

Before I realised Taylor's pivotal role in the story, I was going to suggest she stand up for herself more. My instinctive reaction to the Sheriff coming to her defense was that it appeared she wasn't capable of looking after herself. I'm on the fence now as to whether she should strongarm him herself...for obvious (non spoiler) reasons.

I'd up the ante in the scene where both girls are enlisted as waitresses.

This: -

RICK
You gotta be more sure than that,
padre. If Iím gonna move on this,
then you have to know for sure.
You...


It didn't come across to me as threatening enough in line with Alicia's reaction. For starters they're 'speaking' , not even in the midst of an argument or raised voices, so isn't it a stretch how physically intimidated Alicia is to begin with? I'll concede Chad grabbing her (he appears to do this a lot with the women) is more threatening, so I get that but if Alicia actually heard something tangible...more apparently incriminating/threatening perhaps?.

ALICIA
Donít know. Donít care.

She's scared.
I'd make the threat more palpable. Have it actually sound like plotting to kill or come after someone. I don't think it does at the moment.

JESSE
You didnít catch the whole
conversation. They couldíve been
talking about anything.


Exactly.

Why does Jesse see this as the ultimate opportunity? Just cause he's a rich guy?
Maybe Jesse needs to have no other choice other than this job offer, (also Andrea's observation but I'm not copying her) otherwise why is she so determined to ignore all the creepy things surrounding Sanderson and his associates.

If Jesse's drawn to excitement and adrenaline, maybe we need to see this more? Perhaps in the opening scene with her and Alicia, instead of them reminiscing Jesse does something adventurous to capture the perfect photo - perhaps the girls are diving off a landmark in their hometown (is it Summer?) show Jesse's love of danger and thrills in an effort to get the perfect shot and composition... and Alicia hanging back as the more cautious of the two.

SPOILER:



What is (Taylor) doing roaming the scene of the crime in broad daylight just when Jesse's out there doing her recce and photographs? Seems at odds with being a smart cop. This is one section I suggest strongly that you set at night.

Have Jesse maybe have left something (a piece of equipment?) when she was out there earlier in the day perhaps. It would also add some suspense. At least make it dusk, although sheís likely have a flash on her camera so would still get a clear shot Ė or, if the culprit is hard to see that too might add suspense e.g. who is this person she's caught on camera?

It might add suspense for Taylor too in being detected ( a slowly revealed image) ala Kevin Costner in No Way Out. ?? That could act as a ticking clock to reveal the culprit.

And along those lines Taylor would surely then want to make that (evidence) disappear, not knowing Jesse has a copy, and then that final scene has more motivation for her being a target and Taylor coming after her.

The camera, Jesse's talent as photographer, and investigation, has to feature more imho.
Play with it more...

Speaking of: the scene where Taylor comes to Jesse's house to ask her what she knows of Sanderson Ė what is the purpose of that scene, except to be slightly intimidating? Be better maybe if she needs something definitively. Or did I miss something here...?

Jesse says: I think I'm a suspect. Why?

I donít really get Rick and Chad. Are they planning on murdering Sanderson cause he decides when Chad gets his inheritance?
Along those lines, why does Chad go to the cops and confess?

Why does Rick want to kill Jesse? If it's because she has the evidence I never got the bits of the puzzle that relate to both of them?  They seem like red-herrings, but then Rick actually wants to kill Jesse?

Rick's comment: She's already scared of me. And then this:
She stops. Something catches her eye. She crosses onto the
lawn, bends down and picks something up.
Itís an empty milk bottle.


Surely at the Luncheonette Rick should be slurping a Chocolate malted, or something. ? And then the actual container be deliberately discarded on the lawn.

I love that you've given him a distinctive trademark btw, apart from the typical beer or whisky swilling badguy. V.Nice.

Jesse lays back on a blanket. Exhausted.
Okay, you know I can't possibly let that one go. Lies back....
On the dar figureís wrist Ė typo

SHERIFF JOHNSON
Whoa, whoa. Hold on, Columbo. First
of all, weíre gonna need this
computer.


Very nice line, nice humour.

...Darlene, comes in from the patio deck ( could she perhaps be looking at lightning on the horizon, or dark clouds?) It'd be good for symbolism and as foreboding for the following scene, and it'd tie in with the reason their flight's been bumped.

Like falling glass. Breaking glass, perhaps?

The figure lowers itís hood. Typo.

Again, I just do not get why Rick wants Jesse dead.

The Sheriff finds the bracelet in the drawer? You surely need to make Taylor smarter than this. Honestly this just feels a bit too convenient a plot point to catch the bad guy, or in this case, woman.

Jesse, sitting in her car with the door open.
(New slug)?

SANDERSON
Because Iím good in a room, Jesse.
Because I can still get investors
to drop their money like it was on
fire. Itís all I have left. Thereís
other properties to look at. I
just... I need someone to help me
right now.
(pretty ruthless statement to make even if she is an Ex-wife.

An striking image of the dusty hand protruding from the dirt. (typo)

She looks down, trying not to avoid eye contact. (trying not to?)

Is there a significance to them being in the office for two and a half hours before the Will is finally read?

TAYLOR
I grew up in Paradise Valley. Just
like my parents before me, and
their parents... It truly is a
magical place. Itís left quite an
impression on me.
JESSE
Enough to kill for?

TAYLOR
The Green Team preserved that land
for as long they could. We really
tried. But all good things come to
an end, right?


If the the whole motive for murder is so Taylor can get her hands on Helen's money shouldn't Taylor be saying something to Jesse like: 'you're the only thing standing in the way now' (to us being able to keep Paradise Valley pristine and away from the corporate bulldozers)...or something like that.

I mentioned No Way Out. Ever see Blowout? (John Travolta/Brian de Palma). JT's character is a sound effects guy who witnesses a murder. Of course audio of Nancy Allen screaming plays a major part in the film  ; very effectively too.

The reason I mention it is just as Blowout (nearly forgot about Blow-up) plays with sound, your story plays with photography and images, dark and light, capturing a killer on film.

https://twentyfourframes.wordp.....-as-main-characters/

https://www.digitalcameraworld.com/features/25-top-films-about-fictional-photographers

You've got great bones with this, (but it does read a little thriller-light to me) and I think you have great opportunities to take it up a few notches. If there's more focus on the photographic element it would be a more intriguing, suspenseful and gripping watch. Jmho.

Hope some of this helps with draft 2.

P.S. Feel free to not having to address every point I've made.


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SteveClark
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Thanks for giving this a go, Libby. Some really good points raised. Please feel free to hit me up anytime for a read!


Quoted from LC
Steve, long time coming, apologies for the delay.

First off, love the character name - well I would, wouldn't I? Made me sit up and take notice.  

Your opening scene is terrific - has great shock value and gravitas and is very well written.

You already have notes on the expositional opening scene between Jesse and Alicia, so I won't labor the point, plus I'm assuming this will be edited/changed up in the next draft?

Working on it as we speak!

Notes as I read, but also out of chronological order:

Considering you obviously want to keep the rotary phone as a major device, symbolic of Jesse's fears /overcoming them, but then it also coming in handy as a weapon - I think you need more back story to justify it. We need to feel more of her fear and have it clarified as to why?
Will look into it.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1622821502/s-new/

The ' puzzle' cake, indicating Jesse's cleverness definitely needs to be more elaborate imho. You get away with its simplicity by Jesse addressing the topic with Mom by saying -Your clues are getting easier and easier to figure out. but I think you need something cannier here.

I'm on that too. I never cared that much for it from the beginning. Would like to take it a touch darker/more tension, then have it end up being, you know, just from the mother, but the reader doesn't know that yet.

Maybe ditch the cake altogether - or have her find something inside the cake - and maybe not straight away? Perhaps it leads to a graduation present of a different type - maybe the detective work towards the end can come from photographic software or some high-tech gadget the parents gift her. Or even the parents surprising her by converting a room in the house into a darkroom for her...instead of Sanderson loading her up with equipment. ? Yep, I had the same thought as Andrea.

A darkroom could be a terrific setpiece imho.
The photographic element of your story should be brought into focus and used more imho. (Sorry about the pun) It's a great device but underutilised.

Considered that, but with everything digital these days what's the purpose of a dark room really, unless she was kind of a throwback photographer, and I don't think I want to go there.

It's just a bit too easy and doesn't indicate Jesse's special talents for sniffing things out and ingenuity.
Perhaps more creepiness can come from the Podcast too? You have a bit of that towards the finish, but it has potential to be amped up more perhaps?

Everything falls into place a bit too conveniently with the girls being offered work from a very important man.

Why would Chad (a) listen to their Podcast and (b) hire these particular girls?
Sanderson could hire anyone, why them?

I understand.

Typo p.16
They trod past the girls
with no acknowledgement.

Typo p.
who quickly letís her go

The officers turn to go. Chad grabs Taylor by the arm.

Before I realised Taylor's pivotal role in the story, I was going to suggest she stand up for herself more. My instinctive reaction to the Sheriff coming to her defense was that it appeared she wasn't capable of looking after herself. I'm on the fence now as to whether she should strongarm him herself...for obvious (non spoiler) reasons.

I'd up the ante in the scene where both girls are enlisted as waitresses.

This: -

RICK
You gotta be more sure than that,
padre. If Iím gonna move on this,
then you have to know for sure.
You...


It didn't come across to me as threatening enough in line with Alicia's reaction. For starters they're 'speaking' , not even in the midst of an argument or raised voices, so isn't it a stretch how physically intimidated Alicia is to begin with? I'll concede Chad grabbing her (he appears to do this a lot with the women) is more threatening, so I get that but if Alicia actually heard something tangible...more apparently incriminating/threatening perhaps?.

ALICIA
Donít know. Donít care.

She's scared.
I'd make the threat more palpable. Have it actually sound like plotting to kill or come after someone. I don't think it does at the moment.

JESSE
You didnít catch the whole
conversation. They couldíve been
talking about anything.


Exactly.

I'll look over that scene.

Why does Jesse see this as the ultimate opportunity? Just cause he's a rich guy?
Maybe Jesse needs to have no other choice other than this job offer, (also Andrea's observation but I'm not copying her) otherwise why is she so determined to ignore all the creepy things surrounding Sanderson and his associates.

If Jesse's drawn to excitement and adrenaline, maybe we need to see this more? Perhaps in the opening scene with her and Alicia, instead of them reminiscing Jesse does something adventurous to capture the perfect photo - perhaps the girls are diving off a landmark in their hometown (is it Summer?) show Jesse's love of danger and thrills in an effort to get the perfect shot and composition... and Alicia hanging back as the more cautious of the two.

That's another sticking point -- Why? Why is Jesse so stuck on staying? Feel it needs to be her character, her integrity and her word. If she gave her word, she needs to stick by it. I could emphasize this throughout as well.

SPOILER:

What is (Taylor) doing roaming the scene of the crime in broad daylight just when Jesse's out there doing her recce and photographs? Seems at odds with being a smart cop. This is one section I suggest strongly that you set at night.

Have Jesse maybe have left something (a piece of equipment?) when she was out there earlier in the day perhaps. It would also add some suspense. At least make it dusk, although sheís likely have a flash on her camera so would still get a clear shot Ė or, if the culprit is hard to see that too might add suspense e.g. who is this person she's caught on camera?

It might add suspense for Taylor too in being detected ( a slowly revealed image) ala Kevin Costner in No Way Out. ?? That could act as a ticking clock to reveal the culprit.

Now why you gotta tease me with such a great idea like that for??? No Way Out is a perfect example, and that scene of the image being revealed is an edge-of-your-seater for sure.

And along those lines Taylor would surely then want to make that (evidence) disappear, not knowing Jesse has a copy, and then that final scene has more motivation for her being a target and Taylor coming after her.

The camera, Jesse's talent as photographer, and investigation, has to feature more imho.
Play with it more...

Hmm. I don't think they like the character to be like a gumshoe. They like their female lead smart, but seem to shy away from those finding-all-the-clues types.  

Speaking of: the scene where Taylor comes to Jesse's house to ask her what she knows of Sanderson Ė what is the purpose of that scene, except to be slightly intimidating? Be better maybe if she needs something definitively. Or did I miss something here...?

Going to look back on that. Don't forget Taylor was also looking for someone to pin this on, anything to throw suspicion off her and onto someone else.

Jesse says: I think I'm a suspect. Why?

Because of how close her and Sanderson are getting, maybe their in cahoots. Sanderson is a suspect, after all.

I donít really get Rick and Chad. Are they planning on murdering Sanderson cause he decides when Chad gets his inheritance?
Along those lines, why does Chad go to the cops and confess?

Gotta read back. From what I recall, it was Chad's guilt getting the better of him that he was planning on having Sanderson bumped off.

Why does Rick want to kill Jesse? If it's because she has the evidence I never got the bits of the puzzle that relate to both of them?  They seem like red-herrings, but then Rick actually wants to kill Jesse?

Rick was sent by Taylor to kill Jesse, with Taylor knowing this so she could show up and set up Rick for the murder. Then off Jesse in the process and make it seem like Rick did it.

Rick's comment: She's already scared of me. And then this:
She stops. Something catches her eye. She crosses onto the
lawn, bends down and picks something up.
Itís an empty milk bottle.


Surely at the Luncheonette Rick should be slurping a Chocolate malted, or something. ? And then the actual container be deliberately discarded on the lawn.

I love that you've given him a distinctive trademark btw, apart from the typical beer or whisky swilling badguy. V.Nice.

Jesse lays back on a blanket. Exhausted.
Okay, you know I can't possibly let that one go. Lies back....
On the dar figureís wrist Ė typo

SHERIFF JOHNSON
Whoa, whoa. Hold on, Columbo. First
of all, weíre gonna need this
computer.


Very nice line, nice humour.

...Darlene, comes in from the patio deck ( could she perhaps be looking at lightning on the horizon, or dark clouds?) It'd be good for symbolism and as foreboding for the following scene, and it'd tie in with the reason their flight's been bumped.

Like falling glass. Breaking glass, perhaps?

The figure lowers itís hood. Typo.

Again, I just do not get why Rick wants Jesse dead.

The Sheriff finds the bracelet in the drawer? You surely need to make Taylor smarter than this. Honestly this just feels a bit too convenient a plot point to catch the bad guy, or in this case, woman.

Understood.

Jesse, sitting in her car with the door open.
(New slug)?

SANDERSON
Because Iím good in a room, Jesse.
Because I can still get investors
to drop their money like it was on
fire. Itís all I have left. Thereís
other properties to look at. I
just... I need someone to help me
right now.
(pretty ruthless statement to make even if she is an Ex-wife.

An striking image of the dusty hand protruding from the dirt. (typo)

She looks down, trying not to avoid eye contact. (trying not to?)

Is there a significance to them being in the office for two and a half hours before the Will is finally read?

I figured to have them waiting that long together would be a good way for Chad to eventually snap. Two guys who don't care for each other to be in a room together that long.

TAYLOR
I grew up in Paradise Valley. Just
like my parents before me, and
their parents... It truly is a
magical place. Itís left quite an
impression on me.
JESSE
Enough to kill for?

TAYLOR
The Green Team preserved that land
for as long they could. We really
tried. But all good things come to
an end, right?


If the the whole motive for murder is so Taylor can get her hands on Helen's money shouldn't Taylor be saying something to Jesse like: 'you're the only thing standing in the way now' (to us being able to keep Paradise Valley pristine and away from the corporate bulldozers)...or something like that.

I mentioned No Way Out. Ever see Blowout? (John Travolta/Brian de Palma). JT's character is a sound effects guy who witnesses a murder. Of course audio of Nancy Allen screaming plays a major part in the film  ; very effectively too.

The reason I mention it is just as Blowout (nearly forgot about Blow-up) plays with sound, your story plays with photography and images, dark and light, capturing a killer on film.

https://twentyfourframes.wordp.....-as-main-characters/

https://www.digitalcameraworld.com/features/25-top-films-about-fictional-photographers

You've got great bones with this, (but it does read a little thriller-light to me) and I think you have great opportunities to take it up a few notches. If there's more focus on the photographic element it would be a more intriguing, suspenseful and gripping watch. Jmho.

Hope some of this helps with draft 2.

P.S. Feel free to not having to address every point I've made.






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