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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Blind Justice - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Blind Justice - WT  (currently 698 views)
Don
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blind Justice by 0 - Short, Comedy - Justice in the age of our corporate overlords. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dustin
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Writing not so good but the story was interesting.

Writing: 1.5
Story: 3.0

Total: 2.25


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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The writing on display here is OK save for some wordiness, a few long-winded sentences, and some obvious typos (WOMWAN). Could be better, could be worse.

As for the story itself, it's weird. The whole thing's a circus, but it didn't bother me too much given the assigned length. Besides, I can't say it didn't hold my attention.
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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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The story here is somewhat funny. The way it's written is not,

I liked the ending.

And this is a sci-fi because the light switches off at the clap in the end?
Missing sci-fi element I think, but reads like an episode from the future, an absurd future. A steampunk or something. So maybe that's why it qualifies as a sci-fi.

This one gets my vote out of two. Wasn't a task.
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ajr
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't really tick the boxes for the challenge, which was sci-fi not comedy, in a courtroom, on Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day was also shoe-horned into the story.

Looks like an attempt at a Monty Python sketch, which is a hugely lofty ambition. Some things landed, most others didn't IMO.


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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is a bit dense.

Barely meets the parameters IMO.

A little trimming here and there would make this better


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it's ambitious. I feel like you were trying to make some social commentary here. But the descriptions were hard to get through and I don't think most of the comedy landed.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Not sure this meets the challenge, what’s the sci-fi element?

I didn’t really get if and skimmed the last 2 pages.

Sorry this wasn’t for me.


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DanC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry, this didn't work for me either.  I can't add anything new.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
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LC
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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I got a little confused with the Woman and the Defendant and their attitudes changing towards each other from one minute to the next. Jeez, I dunno... I like the court set up. I like the techno- justice angle and the satire. Well done. Some nice comedy-lite too. I liked the 'clap the light off' line at the end.


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FrankM
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Seemed an attempt in the vein of Brazil or The Zero Theorem (both Monty Python humor projected into dystopian futures), but came off as silly instead of dystopian. This hit the rim of the sci-fi box, not sure it ultimately fell in.

I'd have preferred the victim put up some kind of fight (knee to the nads), even if the story required that she be doomed.


Feature-length scripts:
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Additional scripts are listed here.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Starts badly with Woman misspelt as Womwan!

But I loved this line... made me chuckle
The Supreme Court has ruled that opinions from bearded authorities are not valid.

But the rest of it lost me a little.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Blind Justice

Short notes: harder on comedy than SF but I allow that journey because the concept of a court proceeding with interweaving modern, digital stuff and thinking, actually reforming jurisdiction, feels very interesting to me and has massive potential to work on screen I believe. The storyline was partly a bit confusing to me and not overly tidy on the page I must say (re f.i: long opening block without any movement in picture…). Then I enjoyed the cynic closing images. This certain characteristic would make this interesting if once delivered on every page. Anyway, I believe in your concept.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 7



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stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Had good intentions but no sci-fi and a brief reference to VD. Tough challenge though



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MikeCashman
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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I was bored reading this one.  I have worked in courtrooms before, military and civilian, and this just did not do anything for me.  Not finding the sci-fi in this either.  And this is supposed to be comedy?  Hmm, I didn't laugh either.  

Sorry.  This did not work for me.
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