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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  2 Bullets Till Sunrise Moderators: bert
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  Author    2 Bullets Till Sunrise  (currently 2573 views)
Don
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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2 Bullets Till Sunrise by Joel LaFlamme - Western - A hired gunman is unable to complete his final job and is forced to protect the man he swore to kill. 100 pages - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 29th, 2011, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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First of all, good job in getting a full length script done. I don't know if you're gonna hang around the SS boards so I won't go into too much detail.

- You'll need a FADE IN, but you won't need the CONT'D headers and footers.

- I didn't mind too much the : in character slugs too much. Be warned, some folks may not be so kind. (Truth is, you don't really need them)  That said, you aren't consistent with it; better just to drop it altogether.

- Having the number 2 in the title is fine. Having it throughout is another matter. It irritates the crap out of me. I consider shorthand abbreviating. You aren't texting, you're writing a script. Write the word two (two men, two guns etc). 4 men, 4 horses..l. four men, four horses. Eleven instead of 11.

Quoted Text
WILLIAM BERDETT:
Which brings us to your 3rd and
final task.


See what I'm talking about? Stuff like that.  Here's the worst on p22:

Quoted Text
Margaret creates a fake newspaper article, adding JOHNís
picture to it. The article reads, "Pinkerton JOHN SMITH
kills 2 and wounds another in attempted stage coach robbery.


If you want to debate this on the fact that the article is fake, that's not the point. The point is she's using a shorthand!


- Change Gunner's name. This is a western, Dudes carry and shoot guns. It's like having a car chase and someone is named Chase. (I actually saw that in a script once five yrs ago on another site) Here, there's gunfights. On top of that, there's a GUNMAN with GUNNER DAVIS. A few of my peers got on my butt (rightly so) for having characters who have names that are too much alike. I'm on p4- I better not see a character named Colt. (Note that the GUNMAN is the FARMER on p4)

We also have JESSE BERDETT and BARRETT FOSTER. This is an easy fix- first name only for both men, although there is someone named Bert. Also some of these characters aren't CAPPED on intro, but oddly, shortly after they appear and speak. Who's Bert anyway? And then there's Judge Bean.


Quoted Text
BEAN notices the rider and turns to BERDETT.

JUDGE ROY BEAN:
Why donít we just hang Foster, we
can try him for murder tonight.

BARRETT FOSTER:
Itís not Fosterís death that
matters to me, itís the message I
send. Besides you wouldnít even
give him the honor of a trial.


When the writer gets confused on who's who...it's near quitting time. If they are talking about a relative of Barrett's, they would be using that person's first name. As is it reads into choas.

And since I'm on the subject, FARMER should be given a proper name. Just as long as it doesn't start with a B.
(Earlier he was The GUNMAN- is he THE GUNMAN on p14?)

And at the card table p14? Buck. buck says something on p17 which made me wonder what year this was. 1890? By the way, his name is Buck. "Buck Shot" yeah, I got it.
Speaking of the year, ...


Quoted Text
The goons quickly strap TNT to all the load bearing
structures on the main floor. English Bob grabs a long beam
and props shut the attic door.


When I think 'English Bob' for some reason I think Unforgiven. But that's not why I highlighted this passage, It's the error in the TNT part. While invented in  1863, its use as an explosive wasn't until the early 1900s. You are thinking of dynamite. TNT is not dynamite.

I can't continue past here; I tried. I really tried, but I keep seeing name changes and then I get to a conversation with :


Quoted Text
BARRETT FOSTER:
Go right ahead but someone out
there wants you dead.

MARGARET gets up and walks to the door. Before leaving she
turns to MARSHALL FOSTER

MARGARET JAMES:
Last chance to arrest me Marshall.

MARSHALL FOSTER tips his hat to MARGARET and sits back in
his chair.

MARGARET JAMES:
I didnít think so.

MARSHALLíS DEPUTY:
Your just letting her go sir?


The script is rough and raw. It could be better. It should be.

-D.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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