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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Jonah Hex: The Six Guns Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jonah Hex: The Six Guns  (currently 21264 views)
dogglebe
Posted: March 24th, 2013, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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You really need to look at other people's scripts here, James.  From what I can tell, you've only commented on one script here.  That's not how the boards work.  You'll learn more from reading other scripts than you will from people commenting on yours.

And don't go with rewriting other people's stories.  Use some creativity.


Phil
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crookedowl
Posted: March 24th, 2013, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James, nice to see you fixed the formatting. Writers who really want to improve their work are the writers I want to help (well, those and the ones who contribute to the boards), so I took another look at this.

Unfortunately, you still have many problems here. I still won't read very far, but I figured I'd give you a line-to-line breakdown of the issues here.

First... Your opening paragraph is kinda clunky-- you say "house" twice in a row. Not to mention, you shouldn't refer back to your slug in action lines. So if your slug says "EXT. HOUSE", don't say "the house is old" in your first paragraph.

"Hillbilly's" doesn't need an apostrophe. It would be "hillbillies". Make sure you aren't making errors like this, because they add up and take away from the read.

Character intros aren't right. You need to write names in ALL CAPS when you intro characters. Besides... in your action line you say "hillbillies", but for dialogue, they're "REDNECKS". Keep it consistant.

And I'd advise against naming them "redneck #1" and "redneck #5". It's hard to tell them apart, and comes across as lazy. Any name at all... "fat redneck" "tall redneck" is better than just generic numbering.

Your dialogue isn't bad, but I'd advise against writing stuff like "'im" and "survi'ed". Makes it difficult to get through the dialogue-- the spelling makes it distracting. Just write the words normal and let the actors do the accents.

What's "More focus on the house"? Is it a camera direction? Or are you just saying we watch the house for a few seconds? Either way, it's confusing, so either change it or get rid of it altogether.

Some passive verbiage... it's when you use "is" or "are" followed by a verb, basically. "The rednecks are sitting", "The redneck is walking". A better way to write this is "the rednecks sit" or "The redneck walks". Go through your action lines and make sure you aren't making this mistake.

"The rednecks all have a cup of liquor in there hands." Should be "their". Again, check for these issues, as they're distracting and can take away from otherwise solid writing.

Get rid of "continued" at the top and bottom of each page. I don't know what screenwriting software you're using, but there's an option somewhere to remove it.

I've noticed that all of your slugs are things like "A DECREPIT HOUSE" and "A BEATEN LIVING ROOM". I'd leave out "A" and "THE" from slugs, firstly. And I'd advise against things like "decrepit house" and "beaten living room". EXT. HOUSE and INT. LIVING ROOM will work. You might even want to say EXT. FARMHOUSE or something.

All right, so I hope this is enough to get you started. The fixed formatting improved this by a lot, and another revision will make it even better. Keep at it. Read some pro screenplays. Contribute to the boards. Writing reviews can improve your writing, as well as get your script more reads.

Hope this helps.

Will
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JamesTheJudged
Posted: March 24th, 2013, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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The opening scene is the only thing ripped out of the comic, the rest is just using existing characters in new situations and stories.

I'm going to start reading others scripts this upcoming week. I've just been pressed for time recently so I hope to fix that soon.


My scripts for your viewing pleasure!

FEATURES
Jonah Hex: The Six Guns- Draft #2
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1363300304/
1+6WC Script: A Written Descent
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1367083704/

SHORTS
Stage Four
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JamesTheJudged
Posted: March 29th, 2013, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
James, I started reading this and stopped at page three.  Here you habe Jonah Hex, the baddest motherfucker in the old west.  And on page three, you show show him entering a house to kick ass.  And you don't take us inside the house?  


With the rewrite would it be better to show something like quick flashes of the fight? I don't want to show it all but I wouldn't have a problem adding something.

Do you think audiences would respond better with a quick shot of action then back to the door, then back and forth?

I really want to know!



My scripts for your viewing pleasure!

FEATURES
Jonah Hex: The Six Guns- Draft #2
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1363300304/
1+6WC Script: A Written Descent
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1367083704/

SHORTS
Stage Four
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/STAGEFOUR.pdf
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J.S.
Posted: March 30th, 2013, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
And don't go with rewriting other people's stories.  Use some creativity.


I don't mean to contradict but just throwing it out there, Shakespeare rewrote and borrowed from others. It was the thing back then. Telling the story your own way. I remember some screenwriters saying the same thing. All the stories have been already done thousands of years ago. In the Bible, The Mahabharata,  Ramayana, Bhagavad Gita, Homer, and countless of other folk tales. I think, personally, the test of true creativity is to take those stories and tell them in your own unique way, with your own voice. Just my thoughts. Not trying to start an argument. 'Cause some people take it the wrong way.
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J.S.
Posted: March 30th, 2013, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

I looked through the comments and I'll try not to repeat a lot of what has already been said, and you've gotten a lot great feedback already so it'd be wise to use it, I'll just point out some things here and there.

First off, I think the SUPER should go after you've described the house. Use pronoun to refer back to the house.

"Five redneck hillbilly�s walk out from around the house."

I'm interpreting this to mean they walk out of the house form the side. If so, reword this.

The dialogue is all information and doesn't pull the audience in. It's dull. You need to work it in a way where you don't start off with just saying, he did this and he did that and he's this and he's that. Find a way to do it where you reveal this information but you don't do so directly.

"More focus is on the house." Either reword to delete this.

"The pool of blood flows to the grass."

That's kinda cool actually.

Honestly, I was more drawn in by the action then the dialogue. The dialogue is really taking it down and I mean by a lot, not by a pint or two.

"Blood is splattered to the walls."

I'm not  a grammarian by any means, but this just seems awkward to me. On the walls? Over the walls? To the walls just sounds odd.

"Focuses on Redneck #1�s face."

Get rid of the "focuses". I don't know if you mean camera focuses or we focus, as in, we go to, or we see.

"ya tried ta feed me ta gators."

Good line. Now just rescue it from the dull block of dialogue its trapped in.

That's all for now.

-J.S.
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JamesTheJudged
Posted: April 1st, 2013, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from J.S.


First off, I think the SUPER should go after you've described the house. Use pronoun to refer back to the house.

"Five redneck hillbilly�s walk out from around the house."

The dialogue is all information and doesn't pull the audience in. It's dull. You need to work it in a way where you don't start off with just saying, he did this and he did that and he's this and he's that. Find a way to do it where you reveal this information but you don't do so directly.

"More focus is on the house." Either reword to delete this.

"The pool of blood flows to the grass."

That's kinda cool actually.

Honestly, I was more drawn in by the action then the dialogue. The dialogue is really taking it down and I mean by a lot, not by a pint or two.

"Blood is splattered to the walls."

I'm not  a grammarian by any means, but this just seems awkward to me. On the walls? Over the walls? To the walls just sounds odd.

"Focuses on Redneck #1�s face."

Get rid of the "focuses". I don't know if you mean camera focuses or we focus, as in, we go to, or we see.

"ya tried ta feed me ta gators."

Good line. Now just rescue it from the dull block of dialogue its trapped in.

Thanks for taking a look!

I wasn't to sure about where to put the SUPER when I put it in.

I fixed the rednecks walk from around the house line.

Not sure what to do with the rednecks dialogue. I have to somehow introduce the audience to this scene without them questioning why we're at some random old house.
Suggestions? Maybe as they say it there could be a quick split second scene of what actually happened?

I pretty much deleted the focus lines. They were meant to say "that's all we see," but that didn't really workout to well.

I'll fix the blood on the wall line, must of slipped by me!

Most of the dialogue where Hex is torturing the redneck is from one of the comics issues. I could trim it a bit, but I want to somehow show just through dialogue that you don't want to mess with Jonah Hex. I thought with the torture, that I imagine would be happening off screen, it would be a good way to show this. Any suggestions or is a simple trimming required?
Funny enough, I added that part about being fed to the gators so thank you.  

Again I appreciate you taking a look at my script! Thank you!


My scripts for your viewing pleasure!

FEATURES
Jonah Hex: The Six Guns- Draft #2
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1363300304/
1+6WC Script: A Written Descent
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1367083704/

SHORTS
Stage Four
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/STAGEFOUR.pdf
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J.S.
Posted: April 1st, 2013, 2:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JamesTheJudged

I have to somehow introduce the audience to this scene without them questioning why we're at some random old house.
Suggestions?


Whatever you do keep it simple. Keep that in the back of your head. Keep it focused on something and don't stray away from it too much. Don't go off on tangents. Stay on a conflict or problem and go from there. But keep it simple.


Quoted from JamesTheJudged

Most of the dialogue where Hex is torturing the redneck is from one of the comics issues. I could trim it a bit, but I want to somehow show just through dialogue that you don't want to mess with Jonah Hex.


You could do that, but I think that's something that'll develop throughout the entire script. Not immediately. It'll be better to evenly distribute his "badassary"


Quoted from JamesTheJudged

I thought with the torture, that I imagine would be happening off screen, it would be a good way to show this. Any suggestions or is a simple trimming required?


Well I don't take issue with it. Just keep it focused and strong on the story side. You don't have to show the violence if you don't want to.


Quoted from JamesTheJudged

Funny enough, I added that part about being fed to the gators so thank you.  


It's something a redneck would say. It's funny


Quoted from JamesTheJudged
Again I appreciate you taking a look at my script! Thank you!


No problem.
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