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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›   Moderators: bert
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Michal
Posted: January 3rd, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hatred is blessing of the end by Michal Bilski - Short, Drama - Marica comes back to her home town. Unfortunately she falls asleep in bus and misses her stop. She is alone on dark road with all demons from her past. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 12th, 2019, 7:35pm
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Dustin
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 4:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I got to page 2 as I thought there may be a good story behind the poor English but the dialogue is forced and unnatural. The absolute best way to learn how to write better is to read lots of novels. Build your vocabulary. Then, once confident, move on to screenplays and learn how to write actively and in visual terms.

There's a long road ahead before your work is of a good enough standard. Put the work in and, if you're truly passionate about being a writer, you may eventually get somewhere.


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eldave1
Posted: January 4th, 2019, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Michal:

Not ready. There are just too many problems in your opening 1/4th page to motivate one to read on.


Quoted Text
INT.BUS - NIGHT


Should be: INT. BUS - NIGHT

A space is need between INT and BUS


Quoted Text
Large group of people get in the bus. They take their places.


The first line is not a complete sentence. s/b - A large group of...

PEOPLE should be capped.


Quoted Text
We see some old lady looking for her place, she sits next to Marica - 21 years old, androgynous looking woman with short dyed hair.


OLD LADY should be CAPPED. She is a character. MARCIA should be CAPPED. All characters are capped the first time you intro them.

You don't need we see. Of course we do - it's a film.  Just start the sentence with An OLD LADY looks for a seat.


Quoted Text
She looks at window. Bus drives away. After an hour bus passes road sign "KIELCE".


Who is She? The Old Lady or Marcia?
Bus drives away - s/b The bus drives away.

If an hour passes you need a new header or at least a LATER

Should be a : after sign. and a "a" before road.

Everything is riddled with format errors, spelling errors and grammatical errors. People will not read past that regardless of how good a story is. Basically, you need to put in the work in these areas in order to hear your voice heard.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 5th, 2019, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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Well, in the words of Fresh Fish from Shawshank ..."I'm not supposed to be here!"  I should be busying myself with the stupid amount of work I have to do, but I figure this is as good a time as any for a time out.

But before I get to that, can you logline it for us, or is that a Mystery?  Pun intended.

I will not mirror what others' have said, but I want to try to be positive in my criticism, but before I or anyone else can start doing that, I need to have some idea of what this thing is about.  So... you have to go back and ask yourself what you're trying to tell us in these <8 pages.  I know.  I read it.   Nope -- I didn't get it.  And I hate that.

I'll prefix this with saying that I suspect, from a few instances of verbage, that this isn't your first language.  I have a huge respect for anyone who is multi-lingual since I myself am not, but that said it shows in your craft.   Badly.  From questionable word choice to dull, in-active action description.  You have an almost perfunctory style of describing. 'She turned around'...'she realizes she is and was alone' or 'she looks at this'... 'she looks at that'...' she approaches.' It's all just a little stale.

Remember, you don't need to choreograph every movement, just get the gist of the scene across.  Nothing jumped out at me that really grabbed me and said, "Whoa, this is some great stuff!"  I am just talking from the perspective of a reader having a first read of this.  And you should probably think about how to define your characters in an interesting way.  

Right now the bit between the Lady and Gentleman seems forced, I'm not sure what I am supposed to take out of that scene.  However,  I'm guessing -- and it's just a guess, that there is some correlation between it and Marcia.   Vice versa with the Mother & Son.

But in my middle-of-the-road screenwriter opinion, ie: not new but not yet getting paid at pro level,  Michal,  this is rough, but the process of molding it into something worthwhile has begun.

You would benefit greatly from reading as many screenplays as possible. You will most likely develop a natural understanding of the format and pacing from simply reading.  You could also consult a few format books like Dave Trottier's.  I can't emphasize it enough... reading dozens or even hundreds of screenplays can  offer more screenwriting education than any book or seminar.

_ghostwriter



THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

BODY HEAT: ACCELERANT

THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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Michal
Posted: January 6th, 2019, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Guys thanks for ur opinions. I have to correct a lot of format and language things. My main aim was to tell viewers (readers) that old relations which were very important for us plunge us to the darkness. Darkness is symbol of lost in our fantasies about what would happened if Marica actually text him. Old lady is someone who never has texted to her first love as well. But she is absolutely over it because she found the "right one". However Marcia is still lost in her dreams and memories (in darkness) she scratches her wound (after broken heart). Fortunately there is a future for her. She will find light in the darkness "the right one"
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eldave1
Posted: January 6th, 2019, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Don
Posted: January 11th, 2019, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hatred is blessing of the end by Micha&#322; Bilski - Short, Drama - Marica comes back to her home town. Unfortunately she falls asleep in bus and misses her stop. She is alone on dark road with all demons from her past. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Michal
Posted: January 12th, 2019, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys. After long hours of analyzing ur opinions, I got a lot of courage to still work on this script. To motivate myself I decided to send it to competition. I know what ur thinking now, I don't have any chance but, Competition is in my native language so I think it can be easier. However, I still need your help.

I would like to know if my story has any potential. Did u after my explanation above think it is a good idea? I spoke with my friend and she told me that I have to give readers more signs about how characters are connected and what is Maricas problem.

If ur curious about my new version pm I will translate it as good as I am able to.
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eldave1
Posted: January 12th, 2019, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Michal
Hi guys. After long hours of analyzing ur opinions, I got a lot of courage to still work on this script. To motivate myself I decided to send it to competition. I know what ur thinking now, I don't have any chance but, Competition is in my native language so I think it can be easier. However, I still need your help.

I would like to know if my story has any potential. Did u after my explanation above think it is a good idea? I spoke with my friend and she told me that I have to give readers more signs about how characters are connected and what is Maricas problem.

If ur curious about my new version pm I will translate it as good as I am able to.


Michal - just my opinion - the test of a story is not whether we get it after the writer offers an explanation. We should get it regardless.  i.e., I can watch a movie, get what the writer was trying to get across without an explanation from the writer.

Now, if you are asking if a story that deals with that theme that you stated in your last post could be a good one - I would say yes, that would be a good theme for a story. Does the story as written effectively convey that theme - in my opinion - no.  I was confused throughout. Just my opinion - others may find otherwise.

Sincere best of luck. Stick with it if you enjoy it. Spend some time on the format basics like character intros, read a bunch of scripts, research screenwriting, etc. I






My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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