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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  The Devil's Disciples Moderators: bert
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Kevin_S
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was originally for the competition, but I decided not to enter it. It didn't turn out as action and couldn't get it to fit in the page count. Hopefully it's a little bit better than my last fiasco.  Thanks to LC and Steven Clark for giving me notes.  If you have a few minutes take a look.  Thanks!

The Devil's Disciples (Thriller, Short) 11 Pages

A pastor seeks revenge on two wayward souls that killed his wife and son.

https://documentcloud.adobe.co.....95-adbc-ec5a06acf4dc

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Kevin_S  -  July 10th, 2019, 3:15am
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Arundel
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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It's good. Nice gritty revenge flick. Could be polished up a bit. The flashback scene was a bit confusing but overall could understand what was happening. Came off as action to me.
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Kevin_S
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arundel
It's good. Nice gritty revenge flick. Could be polished up a bit. The flashback scene was a bit confusing but overall could understand what was happening. Came off as action to me.


Thanks for taking a look!  Did the font look ok? When I click on the link to bring it up it looks different than if I open it thru my laptop.

Appreciate the feedback!
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MikeK
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed the read. really liked it.

Font was a little...different? I don't know how to describe it.

Just one thing: If you're going to describe one mask, you should the other too. The first part of that description too needs an 's' on the end to plural the masks. Also, I could be wrong (I'm like 90% sure) but I think I heard never use an exclamation point in action text. Dialogue is fine, but I think it's a no-no elsewhere.

Also:
PASTOR GRAHAM (to the ladies) That'll be enough. Obviously they are to dumb to realize what's happening.

Wrong to there, just toss in an extra o!

Keep at it, I enjoyed it!


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Kevin_S
Posted: July 9th, 2019, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MikeK
Enjoyed the read. really liked it.

Font was a little...different? I don't know how to describe it.

Just one thing: If you're going to describe one mask, you should the other too. The first part of that description too needs an 's' on the end to plural the masks. Also, I could be wrong (I'm like 90% sure) but I think I heard never use an exclamation point in action text. Dialogue is fine, but I think it's a no-no elsewhere.

Also:
PASTOR GRAHAM (to the ladies) That'll be enough. Obviously they are to dumb to realize what's happening.

Wrong to there, just toss in an extra o!

Keep at it, I enjoyed it!


Thanks for the read!  Appreciate the info!  Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors. Thatís one thing I really need to work on amongst everything else. Itís one thing to write a bad story , itís another to write bad, a bad story. I think I said that right lol.  

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Arundel
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kevin_S
Did the font look ok?


Font style was a bit different but still resembled Courier Script.

One last thing. Best to not include specific songs (i.e. Highway to Hell). You can't guarantee it will be used. Good to listen to a song for inspiration or to get themes or moods though.

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