Welcome to the boards. Hope you find this place useful.
It can be hard receiving criticism on your work, but IMHO you have done the right thing opening yourself up to it. It's a valuable and essential part of the writing process... plus the more you get, the faster you develop a thick skin and learn how to process it.
Over time you will be able to spot the useful advice and disregard the rest.
Below are some tips I have picked up, hopefully, it's useful to you.
(I only had time to read the first page)Is Seen/heard
- These phrases are simply not needed, you only need to describe what we see/hear and not the fact we see/hear it.
Generally, we want to tell as much as we can in as few words as possible - the best way to do that is to avoid superfluous statements and--Double information
- Self explanatory. You describe the architecture twice on the first page for example. The most common form of this I come across is repetition of the location...
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Moonlight shines on the otherwise dark house.
A car pulls up. STRANGER gets out and approaches the house.
The door to the house swings open before he gets there.
Probably a silly example - but hopefully you get the point lolClarity
- Screenplay's are meant to be seen, not read. We want to be as clear as possible when it comes to description and action (Note I said "clear" not "comprehensive")
For example, your opening scene. What the hell (pun intended) am I seeing?
Hell, terrace, balcony, chamber, sky - these are all on the first page to describe the opening scene, it's convoluted and at times, contradictory (If we are in a chamber, how can we see the sky?) create clear pictures, which leads me to...Goldilocks
- It's not possible to describe every detail in every scene. If we overdo it, the script becomes bogged down in detail, a struggle to read, and the actual story is lost in the muddle.
If we underdo it, then the story and world become cold, emotionless and empty.
You gotta get it "just right" - describe what is important, set the tone/theme/feeling/emotion of the scene. Right now, your first page feels like you overdo it.
Final note...Opening Image
- I skipped through the next couple of pages. You should think about what image/scene you give the audience first. The first impression, the "keep watching me" moment, the "this is what you are in for!" moment, the moment that viewers switch over if they don't like what they see (Although I can't find any studies at the moment to see how long people actually give a TV show before switching over)
Anyhoo... the point is you want to grab our attention from the get-go. Given the world you are in with demons, heaven & hell, war, death and destruction, the opening few pages appear a little boring. He stands on a balcony, enter the second demon and they talk for a good few minutes. just my opinion of course.
Hopefully the above is helpful to you in some way.
Good luck to you with your writing. I hope you are enjoying it.