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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Horizon Infinite Moderators: bert
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MarkVick
Posted: October 31st, 2019, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,
I'm new here, been hesitant to share what I've been writing because I'm not really a "writer" It's more of a passion hobby for me. So my skills aren't the greatest.

So hopefully it's OK to post this. I read a few posts already, and it seems like it is.

I've been working on something for a few years now, and I'm nearing the finish line.
I'm just looking for feedback of any kind.

I just want to learn, so that I can write this the best I can.

Many thanks,
Mark

Here is the first 20 pages:

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1i18owSzVmnqWRKYc1psEzH2oaj9j4KBS

Logline:
A small band of humans struggle to stay alive in a mutant infested post apocalyptic world. Only to realize their struggle has just begun. As beings from another dimension threaten to plunge the Earth into darkness. Forever.

In order to save their world, their very existence. They must band together and make the ultimate sacrifice.

And choose between good... Or evil.

This is Part 1
The 3 part story is basically just my version of Armageddon. The battle between Heaven and Hell.

EDIT:
So I thought I should explain the large amount of description. This is a heavy subtitled scene. Because the creatures don't speak English. I'm trying to minimize the dialogue as best I can. And focus on slow paced scene and character interaction. My thought process was, you should generally know what's going on if the volume was off.
My Earth scenes are the opposite, in terms of description.




Revision History (1 edits)
MarkVick  -  October 31st, 2019, 11:55pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 1st, 2019, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark

Welcome to the boards. Hope you find this place useful.

It can be hard receiving criticism on your work, but IMHO you have done the right thing opening yourself up to it. It's a valuable and essential part of the writing process... plus the more you get, the faster you develop a thick skin and learn how to process it.
Over time you will be able to spot the useful advice and disregard the rest.

Below are some tips I have picked up, hopefully, it's useful to you.
(I only had time to read the first page)

Is Seen/heard - These phrases are simply not needed, you only need to describe what we see/hear and not the fact we see/hear it.
Generally, we want to tell as much as we can in as few words as possible - the best way to do that is to avoid superfluous statements and--

Double information - Self explanatory. You describe the architecture twice on the first page for example. The most common form of this I come across is repetition of the location...


Quoted Text
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

Moonlight shines on the otherwise dark house.

A car pulls up. STRANGER gets out and approaches the house.

The door to the house swings open before he gets there.


Probably a silly example - but hopefully you get the point lol

Clarity - Screenplay's are meant to be seen, not read. We want to be as clear as possible when it comes to description and action (Note I said "clear" not "comprehensive")
For example, your opening scene. What the hell (pun intended) am I seeing?
Hell, terrace, balcony, chamber, sky - these are all on the first page to describe the opening scene, it's convoluted and at times, contradictory (If we are in a chamber, how can we see the sky?) create clear pictures, which leads me to...

Goldilocks - It's not possible to describe every detail in every scene. If we overdo it, the script becomes bogged down in detail, a struggle to read, and the actual story is lost in the muddle.
If we underdo it, then the story and world become cold, emotionless and empty.
You gotta get it "just right" - describe what is important, set the tone/theme/feeling/emotion of the scene. Right now, your first page feels like you overdo it.

Final note...

Opening Image - I skipped through the next couple of pages. You should think about what image/scene you give the audience first. The first impression, the "keep watching me" moment, the "this is what you are in for!" moment, the moment that viewers switch over if they don't like what they see (Although I can't find any studies at the moment to see how long people actually give a TV show before switching over)
Anyhoo... the point is you want to grab our attention from the get-go. Given the world you are in with demons, heaven & hell, war, death and destruction, the opening few pages appear a little boring. He stands on a balcony, enter the second demon and they talk for a good few minutes. just my opinion of course.


Hopefully the above is helpful to you in some way.

Good luck to you with your writing. I hope you are enjoying it.

Matt



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MarkItZero
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey MarkVick... are you still around for notes?


That rug really tied the room together.
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MarkVick
Posted: November 13th, 2019, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Yes I am. Apologies. Been very busy. I appreciate any comments.
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MarkVick
Posted: November 13th, 2019, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hello. Thank you my friend for the feedback. I will respond better to this later. Been busy. Thanks again. Working on a update for the intro.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hi Mark

Welcome to the boards. Hope you find this place useful.

It can be hard receiving criticism on your work, but IMHO you have done the right thing opening yourself up to it. It's a valuable and essential part of the writing process... plus the more you get, the faster you develop a thick skin and learn how to process it.
Over time you will be able to spot the useful advice and disregard the rest.

Below are some tips I have picked up, hopefully, it's useful to you.
(I only had time to read the first page)

Is Seen/heard - These phrases are simply not needed, you only need to describe what we see/hear and not the fact we see/hear it.
Generally, we want to tell as much as we can in as few words as possible - the best way to do that is to avoid superfluous statements and--

Double information - Self explanatory. You describe the architecture twice on the first page for example. The most common form of this I come across is repetition of the location...



Probably a silly example - but hopefully you get the point lol

Clarity - Screenplay's are meant to be seen, not read. We want to be as clear as possible when it comes to description and action (Note I said "clear" not "comprehensive")
For example, your opening scene. What the hell (pun intended) am I seeing?
Hell, terrace, balcony, chamber, sky - these are all on the first page to describe the opening scene, it's convoluted and at times, contradictory (If we are in a chamber, how can we see the sky?) create clear pictures, which leads me to...

Goldilocks - It's not possible to describe every detail in every scene. If we overdo it, the script becomes bogged down in detail, a struggle to read, and the actual story is lost in the muddle.
If we underdo it, then the story and world become cold, emotionless and empty.
You gotta get it "just right" - describe what is important, set the tone/theme/feeling/emotion of the scene. Right now, your first page feels like you overdo it.

Final note...

Opening Image - I skipped through the next couple of pages. You should think about what image/scene you give the audience first. The first impression, the "keep watching me" moment, the "this is what you are in for!" moment, the moment that viewers switch over if they don't like what they see (Although I can't find any studies at the moment to see how long people actually give a TV show before switching over)
Anyhoo... the point is you want to grab our attention from the get-go. Given the world you are in with demons, heaven & hell, war, death and destruction, the opening few pages appear a little boring. He stands on a balcony, enter the second demon and they talk for a good few minutes. just my opinion of course.


Hopefully the above is helpful to you in some way.

Good luck to you with your writing. I hope you are enjoying it.

Matt



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