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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Entrances and Exits Moderators: bert
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  Author    Entrances and Exits  (currently 5091 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Entrances and Exits by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Short, Western - Stratus is having trouble holding his drinks. 9 pages - doc, format

Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 11th, 2007, 2:58pm
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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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Hiya,

I'm going to point out any errors as I come across them, so here goes -

You wrote - "There is a coffee table in front of a couch, and a T.V. in front of the coffee table" - Don't need to say coffee table twice in this sentence.

You wrote - "Stratus reaches into an ice box wall thing" - Do you mean a refrigerator?

You wrote - "They all look old, and, um, wooden." - I wouldn't describe a place this way. Take out the  um, wooden part. It sounds like you're talking!

Spelling - you wrote ".  He walks down the street, towards a horse tied to a an old, wooden post." Take out the a before an.

You wrote - "There are about two drunken old guy’s sitting at the bar." - Just say there are two drunk old men instead of about two...

You wrote - "Huh, that’s quite a name you got their." - Change their to there.

You wrote - "The sharp mug nail him in the head, Rusty Skillet drops dead." Add an 's' to nail.

Hope that helps.

The conversation between Stratus and Ricky at first doesn't feel very natural to me. Sorry, not keen on the "it goes good" kind of expression. Steph reminds me of a bunny boiler! She gets attached to Stratus too soon and therefore it doesn't seem believable. A crush yes, but a heartache?? Just didn't buy it.

Loved the last line. It was priceless!!! I really like the concept of this script. It could so benefit from a re-write. It's a bit wordy description-wise and I think Ricky and Stratus's chat in the first scene is forced, but overall I like your angle a lot. It really has potential and would like to see it posted with a bit more depth too.

Andy xxx
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Antemasque
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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I have to say, i love the title of this. But that's about the only thing. I don't wanna be too harsh on you here but usually the more bad things i point out the more stuff you can improve on.

First the dialouge was not that good. You can tell you were trying to do western dialouge but it did not work out. Maybe go to IMDB.com and search for a western movie and click on Memorible Quotes could help you.

Your action below your INT. EXT. parts should be spaced apart.

OKay i gotta admit your descriptions were pretty good. I'll give you props for that.

Overall you have a nice imagination you just need to learn how to make it work in words.

5/10
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bert
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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I know who wrote this -- almost certain.

The concept is not too bad -- a kind of "stretching it" way to write a Western, though.

My favorite character is "Drunk Man", with his two wonderful lines.  Make of that what you will.  (Oddly, though, his second line is attributed to "Drunken Guy".  Are they one and the same?  You need to watch out for that kind of stuff.  Keep it consistent.)

And I thought the ending was great.

Some of the dialogue could use work, sure, but if the author would put a space between the slugs and the descriptions that follow -- well, their formatting would be just about there  


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Shelton
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept, but this whole thing seemed kind of random.

I echo Andy's comments above because I noticed that stuff too, but I'll reiterate that the ice box wall thing is commonly known as a cooler.

You describe his boots as "cool".  Why?  What makes them cool?  Do they have a snake on them or something?

In terms of dialogue, the only character that I really didn't care for was Steph.  Given her place and time in all of this, it should have been a little more authentic.

Not sure who wrote this, but I wonder if "Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done", would help in identifying them.


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Martin
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Damn it, Mike. As far as the concept goes, I was almost certain this was you, although the dialogue didn't quite have your usual snap. Now I'm just confused.

I liked it a lot, but I'll agree with the Steph character being the weak link.

Take note of the typos and formatting errors mentioned by others. No point repeating them here.

The ending was a nice touch but I thought there was more comic potential in the western scenes that could have been further developed.

Overall, a pretty enjoyable read.
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KenneyP
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Couple of spelling errors but that can be solved in a jiffy.
You had a Sliders thing going on here, with a tad of back to the future humor which I liked.
But it didn't come of the ground that well, I didn't really cared for the main characters same goes for the other characters.
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George Willson
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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This was kinda fun. Sure, you snafued some of the conventions of description to be a little cynical, but for the exercise, we'll let that go. I see you've been hit for that already. I enjoyed the little plot that ran through the short and thought the situations Stratus ran up against were hilarious. Your logline is perfect.

A couple of things: Are Oxy-clean commercials really essential to the plot? Didn't think so. Just have him turn off the TV.

That dialogue in Rick's was just hideous. It makes me wonder if it was intentional or English isn't your first language (How goes it being at least a German expression, if not more). I think you need to say that scene out loud to hear the problem with it.

What was the deal with Steph? I asked myself this question as she was swooning, and later, I figured it was just another piece of the insanity you were playing with. Most of it doesn't make sense, but in what you have here, it works.


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Kevan
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, this script possesses an interesting story and the premise really is good, I liked it.

I undertand what your are trying to communcate with your story and what the characters say but with better scene descriptions and more centred dialogue, more believable accents you’d be onto a winner here..

Its not easy to write a 7 page short story and just as difficult to express your ideas in a 7 page screenplay, you did manage this but with a little more attention to formatting, more elegant scene decriptions and believable dialogue the script would read much better.

One can only learn from actually doing a thing and if you gain anything from this exercise, and the comments people have made after reading your script, then this can only help you become a better writer..

A lot of the comments other readers have made about your script are correct but I’m not going to echo these here, there’s no point. As I said, it was a good story and I can see where you were going with it.. Loved the going through the door thing, great idea that..

One final thought, although your ending was funny, I would have set up a High Noon shoot out scenario with the main character being thrust into the middle of the street as one of the gun fighters.. Noon is mentioned a lot between the characters and to have the guy forced into a gun battle at noon, which is sign-posted, but unexpected as far as the main character is concerned, this would be a nice twist.. Maybe corny but it would work a treat..

Be interesting to look at if you do decide to write a new draft of this script.

Well done..

Kevan
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James McClung
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really know what to say about this one. It was a western but didn't feel like a western. Especially with the presence of Starbucks. It was decent though and a few parts made me laugh (among others the drunk guy and the sheriff's Shakespear line, I believe).


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George Willson
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Dickens...A Tale of Two Cities.

It is a far better thing I do than I have ever done before, and a far better place that I go than I have ever gone before.

Or something to that effect.


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Kevan
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, this script possesses an interesting story and the premise really is good, I liked it.

I undertand what your are trying to communcate with your story and what the characters say but with better scene descriptions and more centred dialogue, more believable accents you’d be onto a winner here..

Its not easy to write a 7 page short story and just as difficult to express your ideas in a 7 page screenplay, you did manage this but with a little more attention to formatting, more elegant scene decriptions and believable dialogue the script would read much better.

One can only learn from actually doing a thing and if you gain anything from this exercise, and the comments people have made after reading your script, then this can only help you become a better writer..

A lot of the comments other readers have made about your script are correct but I’m not going to echo these here, there’s no point. As I said, it was a good story and I can see where you were going with it.. Loved the going through the door thing, great idea that..

One final thought, although your ending was funny, I would have set up a High Noon shoot out scenario with the main character being thrust into the middle of the street as one of the gun fighters.. Noon is mentioned a lot between the characters and to have the guy forced into a gun battle at noon, which is sign-posted, but unexpected as far as the main character is concerned, this would be a nice twist.. Maybe corny but it would work a treat..

Be interesting to look at if you do decide to write a new draft of this script.

Well done..
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Helio
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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In front of great comments of Kavan, Mr Wilson, Andy, Andrew, Mike, KenneyP, DS. Bert and others I realy don't know what I've to say...Maybe just...

I loved Steph! I loved Steph...Yeah!
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Helio
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, KEVAN!
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson
Dickens...A Tale of Two Cities.

It is a far better thing I do than I have ever done before, and a far better place that I go than I have ever gone before.

Or something to that effect.


Having just taken this final I found this line hilarious, and I believe the line is: tis a far, far better thing I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest I go, than I have ever known.

I thought this was okay, the only thing I didn't really like was the line where steph say's something like : I know what it feels like to lose apart of myself too, now.

the "now" seems so out of place and it just kind of bugged me.  It was pretty funny though.  I love the name Stratus.


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Higgonaitor  -  January 24th, 2006, 5:37pm
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