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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Holiday Tradition Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Holiday Tradition by Mike Shelton - Short - Sometimes tradition can be a powerful thing.  Valentine's Day Visual Writing Exercise Entry. 3 pages - doc, format


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Martin
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Nice idea, well executed. I really like it. Simple, but effective. Not much else to say about a 3 pager.

Good job!
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bert
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I'll echo Martin -- really well done -- if really short.  There is nothing to bust on here -- it's all good -- but then, it's only three pages, too.

Why...it's even touching (sniffle, sniffle).

However, I would say that after three years (and however many more years there were before that), the chick working the cash register needs to re-examine her career goals.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tomson
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job. You managed to make me feel sad, and in just three pages too.
That's an accomplishment in itself.
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sfpunk
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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very nice job
again like everyone else there isn't much to say about this script. It's short but has a nice little point. Good deeds don't go unoticed
I don't know if that was your intention but that's what I got out of it. But yeah, very nice. 3 pages seems short but it goes to show that you can have a nice complete story of that length. Your descripts were broken up appropriately and it flowed nicely.
an enjoyable read for my first short in this challenge
-Matt


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'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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Mr.Z
Posted: February 16th, 2006, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Good job, Mike. You achieved a strong emotional tone in just three pages.

SPOILERS

- The last mark on the calendar was a powerful visual of the character´s death; I liked that one.

- "INT. SUNNYSIDE RETIREMENT HOME, MAIN LOBBY - DAY"
Some of your slugs were too long, IMO. You could try: "INT. RETIREMENT HOME/MAIN LOBBY - DAY" or just "INT. MAIN LOBBY - DAY"

Overall, a fast and an interesting read. Good job.


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Helio
Posted: February 16th, 2006, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Mike, simple and very touchable story this a type of script that many new directors are looking for in order to show theirs directing skills.

Nice, very nice 3 pages, but believe me Mike write more fews pages and you will see what could happen next.
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greg
Posted: February 16th, 2006, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Wow, rather touching and a nice emotional piece for just 3 pages.  I agree, some of the sluglines are too long.  

INT.  SUNNYSIDE RETIREMENT HOME, MAIN LOBBY - DAY

The elderly group sits around the lobby with looks of sadness on their face.

You pretty much solved your own problem right there.

So yes, a very nice and sweet piece!  What happened to PDF?  It's so much more cleaner than Word.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 16th, 2006, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

This was just really sweet. It brought tears to my eyes. I think if I had been watching it on television or something, it may have made me cry. Very well done. Very moving and effective in such a short span. This is only the second Valentine’s Day script I’ve been able to read but I can’t imagine a piece evoking so much emotion (and such a gamut of emotion -- I was moved to smile as well as almost cry) in such a short span.

Very moving. Now, this is what I like. Something to touch me and affect me. Great work.

Breanne


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Shelton
Posted: February 17th, 2006, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I was definitely going for the jugular in terms of sadness here, and I'm glad I was able to accomplish that.

Yeah, I really hate those sluglines, but I figured what the hell.

Bert,

Why would she think about a new career?  She's a pharmacist.  The pharmacy is supposed to be one of those Mom and Pop types, not like a Walgreens/Osco/CVS


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 21st, 2006, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

This was really different coming from you, there was no dialogue, which I think was the purpose of this exercise, so if I didn't see your name I don't think I would have known this was from you.

This was a very nice story, even though it's a valentine's day theme, I think the theme would work even as a Christmas story in a way, so I figured upon reading it I would give it a bump

this put a smile on my face even though it is kinda sad.

the scene with the candy boxes at the grave site was a very nice touch and a good way to end it.

nice work.


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Shelton
Posted: December 21st, 2006, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Jordan,

Thanks once again for bringing one of my scripts back from the depths.  In all honesty, I'm rather proud of this one.  When the "contest" was first mentioned, I was a little nervous about the inability to use dialogue, given my habit of "talky" writing.

But, in the end, I sat down for a bit, thought it out, and came up wiith this.  I think it's a nice piece, and I definitely overcame the no dialogue obstacle even if I did manage only 3 pages.

Thanks again for checking it out, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Takeshi
Posted: July 25th, 2007, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Thanks for referring me to this. Looking at your formatting has been helpful and I'm clear about what I need to do with my script now. It seems I just need to put spaces between the paragraphs, and single sentences, to make up for the lack of dialogue and scene headings.

SPOILER

As for this story, I thought it was well written and you crammed a fair bit into two and quarter pages. For the sake of making a suggestion, perhaps the people could be eating the chocolates at the cemetery, so it's like they're showing their old friend that they're still enjoying his generosity, however, your ending works well.  I like the idea of them giving back to him.  
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