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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Meanwhile, in a kingdom, far, far, away Moderators: bert
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  Author    Meanwhile, in a kingdom, far, far, away  (currently 1554 views)
Don
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Meanwhile, in a kingdom, far, far, away by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Comedy - It is about a fight between families in a kingdom, far, far, away or if you like about lot of bad language and sexual perversity. 12 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Oh, Helio...you are probably the only person who could put this up and not get chased from the boards haha.  From the very first line of dialogue...I knew...well, I don't know what I knew exactly, but I knew it.

I was kind of smiling....kind of confused....and only stuck it out for 12 pages because I knew it was you.

I was able to figure out your "twist" pretty early on...it's not much of a twist...but that's not really what this story is about anyways, is it?

I'll give you a "good job" simply for the novelty of it.  This one is very, very silly, but it's definitely for the grown-ups.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  March 10th, 2006, 7:49am
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George Willson
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Yeah, Helio, I agree with Bert here. The first line of dialogue was perfectly written in that it set up the rest of the story...itshowed that the rest was just as pointless. I'll grant you the little twist was on the clever side and made for an amusing ending, but seriously, there was no point to it, unless it was an outlet to other frustrations...    I mean, if you were going to go THERE anyway, why not at least have some gratutious paper nudity? Geez.

All talk and no action. It's a dreadful travesty. I think to really get it right, you need to watch more porn.


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James McClung
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Umm... okay? This was a bizzare script to say the least. I guess I can't really fault it for anything since it's too self aware to find any narrative flaw that wasn't completely intentional. The twist also confirmed that the script is a complete joke. As an actual story, I'm afraid this falls flat on its face but as an exercise in trashiness, it's excellent. It's like Caligula in medieval times. John Waters would be proud.


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Nixon
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa.

I think this might be a record for the use of "fuck" on these boards. But anyway, it kept my attention to the very end. Itís interesting and different, which is always a plus. I couldnít really spot any issues with formatting, so good job, I think.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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greg
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I read this.  I don't know.  It was too bizarre in a sense that I finished up with mixed thoughts and those thoughts had mixed thoughts.  I see you related in alot of Shakespeare's shtuff which I guess explains some of the rather "risque" relationships going on here.

The ending was typical-Helio, which I guess worked in a sense but it was risky.  It leaves the potential for too many unanswered questions.  All-in-all it was amusing.  Not Caligula shtuff, but still oddly bizarre to enjoy.  And I disagree with it being the "sequel to The Cabin."  The Cabin was just pornographic and teenage cliche trash.  This is actually respectable writing and it's not anywhere near the content of The Cabin.  But then again, I have a very thick skin, so who knows.

But I do like how you're giving more of your characters actual names now.  A job well done, Cordiero.


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Heretic
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Hee hee...

Great sense of timing on the gags.  The first line is perfect.

If people think this is crude then a certain script of mine is going to get ripped apart.  I won't mention any names because I don't intend any plugs.  I just mean that I didn't think it was that crude, really.  It was just trashy.  Made me think of the Lancelot bit of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, actually.  I'm sure the Pythons would enjoy this.

I certainly did.

The ending...meh.  Blah.  Whatever.  I saw it coming fairly early on, especially because of the Shhh!-ing.  But really...how could this end?


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bert
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
And I disagree with it being the "sequel to The Cabin."


Yeah...I was just feeling kind of silly after I read this one.  Go figure.

I have gone back and retracted that comment.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Kevan
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you Brazilian pervert!! LOL...

Great little parody...

More of this again, please...

Glad people on these boards had a giggle at this one.. You should have read it in Portugese, it wasn't half as funny...
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Helio
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey, guys! Bert, Greg, George, Heretic, Zavier, Dn, James and Kevan, I'm sorry to wanswer your comments just now. After Carnival my comp. started to recuse yo work to me. Bad slave it is! I'll reserve a time in my days to review the scripts. I just start Breanne's one D Minor when the slave decide don't do nothing!

I enjoy to see that this work made its purpose, entertain you all. Monty Python was great and is great inspiration so does Will Shakespeare any others. Be silly? Yes, maybe it was a silly piece, because I'm a silly latin writer looking for exaciting ways to write silly stories. Good point, Bert!

Kevan thanks for help me with some points into the story, typos and  gramar errors. I hope the guys read Unity of Opposites our first attempt to write cooperation.

Thanks to all anyway!
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-Ben-
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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Quoted from the script
He is not covered in shit so he is obviosuly a king


Isn't that off Holy Grail?

That's the closest script I've ever read to Motny Python.

No non Python script or film has that close to capture the Moty Python feeling.

The twist at the was easy to see, epeically with the first VO's.

But some of the lines were hilarious.


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Helio
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Bigwhoop it was part of they call "writer's insanity sindrome", but I laugh a lot writing it. Very funny experince, believe me.
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Kevan
Posted: May 12th, 2006, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Self promotion is putting yourself before anyone else!

This is exactly what this is!
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