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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Linda Moderators: bert
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  Author    Linda  (currently 2025 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Linda by Roger Smith - Short - Two men with competing visions discuss the meaning of life as events unfold around them. 15 pages - rtf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  April 18th, 2006, 5:50pm
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Don
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Folks,

Roger Smith's script was late getting up because of an oversight on my part.  It did arrive on time, just slipped through the cracks.

Don


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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James McClung
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, now I've read all the entries.

I don't know about this one. There's barely any comedy in this one, just two people aggresively debating the meaning of life and the existence of God. This is fine in small doses but when it's stretched out nonstop and in your face like this, it feels pretentious. I enjoyed the little bits of irony scattered throughout. I think the script could've used some more of that. Nevertheless, I thought this was well written but I think you could cut down on some of the heavier stuff and add some more comedy.



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greg
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Yeah, this wasn't a comedy, but it was very well written and had some very clever themes in it.  The thing is that when Floyd and Daryl are going back and forth with their conversation, some of it seems so extensive and bland that it felt like I was reading from a textbook.  The thing is that the dialogue is unrealistic.  I know someone who types like this in instant messages and whatnot, but for a real life conversation it doesn't fit.

"You know what I mean. The cult of me, myself, and nothing else matters. You can't go around disregarding others. So, you don't want to join the competition, but you're still part of the crowd, like it or not..."etc etc.  Eventually it goes on and on.  It's like somebody is reading an essay out loud.  I agree with James that you should add more of the irony that you cleverly use throughout the story.

I did enjoy this though.  Some of the things I agree with in here, such as the stuff on the top of page 14.  As a drama it succeeds, as a comedy it doesn't hit that mark.  But well written, nevertheless.


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tomson
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I guess I'll be the first one to say that I liked this.

I have no idea who wrote it (and I'm done guessing), but I'm guessing it's not a youngster.

I think that they way this was written, technically and dialogue wise it's average, but if you take the time and actually think about what is being said it's quite good and the story is great. Really like the ending.

Yeah, it's not in your face, but it's the kind that makes you chuckle and nod along.

Someone got a piano dropped on their head? Where have I heard that before?
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George Willson
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, the final 2 pages were funny. But the reason why they were funny was the enormous amount of setup we had to sit through to get there. Daryl taking Linda's gun makes no sense whatsoever, but I understand the reason for the plot. I caught the setup of all these characters and how and why they factor into the ending; this aspect of the story was wonderfully done because everything in the story had a payoff and it all paid into Daryl's complaint. I'm not sure it is necessary that he went on as long as he did. I think it could have been shortened and we would get the idea. The length is really its prime weakpoint.

I did like it for the ending, though.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this is the last one for me - whew. Finally done.

This one is definitely not a comedy. I kinda liked it a little. I’m pretty into philosophical stuff. I didn’t quite agree with either side. The comment about happiness being the meaning of life, for example, made me think of the saying: “Happiness is the most insidious prison of all.” But they’re fictional characters and I’m a firm believer that characters should have their own minds and not just be a reflection of the author.

If one views this as talking heads - basically the author playing devil’s advocate with himself as a catalyst for dispensing his wisdom, then this script is preachy and condescending. Sometimes, it came off like a series of monologues broken up by “the guy who speaks to break up the dialogue,”

If one views it as two fictional characters blabbing about life, then it’s not too bad.

Some of the dialogue was too chunky but at least the author had the good sense to break up scenes with various vignettes.

Then, at the end, it just kind of threw all logic away and I don’t know what happened.

Not bad. One of my favorite movies is an animated film called “Waking Life.” And one of my favorite philosophical shorts is “A Room Nearby.” This wasn’t quite as good as either of those but it wasn’t bad.



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Helio
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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I'm with all comments here, less about it wasn't a comedy. It's a type of comedy I think, but not these comedies we are used to see. A different one, maybe a type of inner-dark-comedy...I confess I gigled mainly at the begin of page 9 and at the end. Clever indeed!

Oh, I have to say that the extense dialogues anoided me a little. Maybe if you cut them with the characters expressions or other things they would flow better. Anyway, nice work here!
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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I definetely can tell how much you worked on this.  It takes a long time to type dialogue that is as thought out as that is, and I give you credit for that.  now, if you did take as long on it as i think you did, your going to hate me for what i say next: Shorten it.

It was nice and philosophical and all, but these scripts are comedy scripts.  you can get your point across without havin all that detail in their conversation.  Simply get the main points across, then have the ending Irony take place (Which was hilarious by the way).

Oh, and I loved the piano falling on the guy.  it's been awhile since I've read a good Piano falling on a guy story. Pianos don't fall on people quite often enough in my opinion.


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thegardenstate89
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Whether the authors views or not, I enjoyed the little philosophical debate between Daryl and Floyd (I imagined them as two young snoody college professors). I definately enjoyed the opening and it helped give your characters reason to bring up new theories on life.
However I felt it didn't fit into the overall all picture. I felt that it only touched there conversation and a bigger point was being missed when it didn't psychically cross paths with Daryl's life. That's just me though.
I really enjoyed how all the peices fit together in the end. However some of the things you wrote at the end began to trip me up.
I was very confused as to how Daryl took the gun from Linda and why he ran outside.
In addition I'm not sure how the police officers new who Daryl was when Rex, maybe through computer, but they were too busy shooting at him to have had time to run a check on his address I would think. Also Rex simply asking who Daryl was just seemed too easy and very unrealistic considering a gun battle was taking place.
Rex ended up coming late so he was shooting at Daryl infront of armed police officers (even if Daryl is an armed suspect I'm sure he's infringing some type of law)
Some minor grammatical errors here and there. (at the end of page 3 you write Floyd as Daryl a couple of times which tripped me up, since there were only two speakers)

That aside  I enjoyed this whitty look on the questions we wonder about life.
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Mr.Z
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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I've got mixed feelings about this one.

As other readers already posted, this story is too philosophical to be a short comedy. And some of the dialogue lines were too long.

I liked the way the script bounced from Floyd/Daryl's conversation to the actual events they were talking about, making the story more visual and dynamic. A few funny moments here and there; I specially liked Daryl's 'I don't remember' scene.

I felt this needed more jokes, specially in the first half.


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Kevan
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting..

Like the previous posters, I didn't see the comedy in the script until the last two pages where you could see the whole script was a set-up for the predictable cause and effect ending..

The philosophical debate between the two main characters, Floyd and Daryl was pretty awesome and a little bit like Woody Allen in places, I shit you not.. Well done with that..

I would definitely develop this further.. You could make 4 short stories and link them using a similar theme for each story but each with different characters..

Can see you really thought hard about the dialogue.. It could be cut down some because it came off as "waffling", but it was good so you get away with it..

Pretty good effort despite the lack of comedy until the last couple of pages..

Enjoyed the read..
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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I've got mixed feelings about this one, too. I have to admit that I skimmed over the dialogue, and jumped to the actual action. When someone talks too much, I tend to go off into a daze. Sorry. Sounds like I missed some interesting stuff by doing that. The scenes were pretty good though.


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Takeshi
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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I didn't have a problem with the authenticity of the dialogue, it sounded realistic and it was written with a degree of skill. However, at times it felt preachy and the monologues were too long for me. You also need to remember that the scripts in this exercise were supposed to be comedies and this didn't feel like a comedy to me. There were some amusing moments and the ending was quite farcical, but there simply weren't enough laughs. 5/10

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Kevan
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Bryan

Great script with great dialogue between your two main characters debating, thought this was good..

You should develop this more and see where it goes..

Well done..


Kev
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