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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Unfortunate Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unfortunate  (currently 1386 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unfortunate (Season One: Episode One: "The Good Son" aka 'The Pilot') by Gary Benjamin Holt Jr. (Yeaster) - Series, Drama, Comedy - Meet Trent White, Marques Green, Chelsea Evans, Juan Trejo and Stacey Jones, a clique of best friends, as they struggle through the horrors of everyday life when the worst always seems to happen. 23 pages - doc, format

Unfortunate (Season One: Episode Two:  "Envy & Rage") by Gary Benjamin Holt Jr. (Yeaster) - Series, Drama, Comedy - Trent's jealousy of Vance begins to grow rapidly. Meanwhile, because of Vance moving in, Kevin has been spending more time at work to help take care of the extra family member. This causes him to lose time to spend with his family, specifically, Rhonda. Additionally, Chelsea struggles with her feelings for Trent, Lillie hates Marques, and something's up with Juan.  23 pages - doc, format


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Don  -  April 26th, 2006, 7:47am
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DOM
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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Judging by the summary, this sounds great! I'll get on reading it now. However, the summaries often mislead me. Is this one of those shows where everything goes wrong, like "The Worst Week Of My Life?" Not that that's a bad thing, cuz I love that show!
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Yeaster
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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I really don't know what that show is...  

Sorry.  


ETA: I don't mean to be hasty, but I'm entering this script in a contest, so quick feedback is desired. I'd like it if someone (or all of you) pick out EVERY SINGLE THING you find wrong with the script, be it characters or format.

This is really important to me, thanks.  


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Yeaster  -  April 15th, 2006, 9:52pm
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George Willson
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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I noticed you edited your post after I had begun reading. A touch on the format: The headers for each scene and the beginning and end of act would be captialised, centered, and underlined. A new act would be a new page. No need to make a new page for each scene; that would be tedious. Oh, and drop the cast list.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

TEASER -- You describe the parents, but you should really tell their names. I'm not sure what you're going for with the apathy here, but I have a poor impression of Kim so far, Kevin is all right, Rhonda is a little strange, and Trent seems to be as apathetic as mom, or at least he doesn't feel it will affect in any way. This is what I get out of just the teaser so far. This part of the pilot is a setup for the entire series and needs to reflect the series. Some people will tune out after the initial teaser and never go back if they don't like what they see. This one has enough curiosity to it to work, but I worry about the first impressions.

ACT ONE - SCENE A -- Need a description of Marques. I wasn't sure if he was male or female for a little bit. So your first scene discusses Trent's egotistical best friend wanting to have sex with a girl he has dated for a year. With such patience, why is he belly-aching now?

SCENE B -- The switching between Trent's Basement and Lillie's Bedroom would be INTERCUT the two locations and lose all the slugs between the dialogue until END INTERCUT and the conversation's over. Nice ending to the scene, however. impressions of the characters at this point: Chelsea apparently likes Trent; Stacey seems a bit on the horny side, and possibly easy; Juan is simply jealous of Vance, but not much more of him is let out; Trent is clearly worried about the Vance thing, but little more came out of him. Seems Marques is being a butt ove the Lillie thing, but she seems rather demanding too. It's a wonder they lasted a year so far.

SCENE C -- Definitely need to know more as to why Kim hates Kevin's sister. That's not a natural thing. Well, it looks like Vance is a player, and Stacey is looking to be played. Call me weird, but I think Chelsea would cover her breasts. As far as I know, they naturally come in pairs unless otherwise noted. Rhonda is quite flighty still which fits what I know so far. Trent is still rather stand-offish, which is also still fitting him. So far, so good on the characters.

ACT TWO - SCENE D -- Nora and Lillie, the consumate identical twins, yet opposite personalities. I can see some possible plot lines already. Lillie was a lot nicer to Nora than she was on the phone to Marques. She was practically subservient. At least the name tag thing is explained. And a party...hm, can't say it comes as much of a surprise. Now, I have it all in my head. Let's see if you go predictable, or surprise me...

SCENE E -- Um, why is Kim crying? The bits about Kevin's sister are helpful, but doesn't explain exactly why Kim hates her. So far, it seems to be hatred out of principle, which is crappy from a dramatic standpoint. Hatred of someone needs to come from actions, not principle. Kim crying over this is completely out of character. If she has a hatred for Kevin's sister, she would stand her ground, not cry. Kim's line of "It's what your father wants" fits her character, but I think her speech should be more forced, like she doesn't want to give it.

SCENE F -- I can see it coming down to Vance being gay. He shrugged off Stacey's advances and answered a question about himself. It's stereotype, but helps to get him across rather quickly. Of course, the sex comment earlier now seems out of place. And of course, everyone knows about the obligatory party... And Lillie would say "Tonight may be the night." not the tonight.

ACT THREE - SCENE G -- Oh look, they're wearing identical outfits... It's setting itself up to be predictable.

SCENE H -- Serves the singular purpose of getting the unnamed twin with Marques.

SCENE I/J/K -- Not surprised. Saw it coming from a mile away. However, I didn't expect the sheer coincidence of her picking Marques out of a crowd, nor him not calling her Lillie or saying something specifically to "Lillie" that Nora would pick up on during the entire love-making session. That is extremely unlikely. I like the ending, though.

At the end, there is some potential here as a character drama. I think if you continue to develop the characters, they might be interesting enough to carry the series. The twin thing could have been a lot more fun if Marques met both of them and got them mixed up and then ended up going home with Nora, anyway. The outcome was easily predictable anyway, so you might as well have had some fun with it.

Ironically, though it feels like Trent is a lead in the series, he is the most underdeveloped. We got a lot out of almost everyone else, but Trent is a mystery still. He reveals very little of himself throughout the show. He definitely needs some screentime as well as more of the party outcome with everyone else. It seems as if the party served no purpose but to get Marques with Nora.

Anyway, not bad. Needs a little work, but it's a good start.


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DOM
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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You want me to find stuff wrong with this script? Okay.

- Most of the names are too posh. I mean, unless it was set a long time ago.

- Lillie & Nora are important to the story, but you had them down as extras.

- Everything seemed to happen too quickly. I mean, I like the story, but it's like "Vance is coming to stay, and they go to a party so he can fit in and Marques sleeps with his girlfriend's sister."

- I thought it said Drama Comedy. There's not really any drama.

Sorry I couldn't find more, but I really love the script. Hope you win the contest.
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DOM
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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I just read "Envy & Rage". God, it was good! A lot more drama thean ep. 1, which is something I pointed out. So, what happened with that contest? Or has it not happened yet?
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Yeaster
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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It starts June the 1st. Right now, I'm just trying to come up with the money to enter. lol.


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DOM
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what's going on in Ep. 3? I'm asking cuz I think it's Ep. 4 I'm writing. Is that right?
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Yeaster
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Yup.


Don't worry, I'm almost done the 3rd one. It should be up within the next update.


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