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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Watered Down Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 1st, 2006, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Watered Down Loser by James Hughes (Tony) - Short - A wannabe party guy's lies are revealed at a party. 4 pages - html, format


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dogglebe
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Was this part of something bigger, Tony?  It seems like a scene out of a bigger story.

I recommend that you change the beginning around.  Instead of having four paragraphs of description, followed by dialogue, you could describe each character and follow up with a bit of their dialogue.  It breaks things up a little better.


SPOILER SPACE

Obviously Fred is a party/alcohol virgin.  Though I can't believe how anyone can be this oblivious to alcohol.  Was his character based on anyone?  If this isn't based on a true story, then you really should give him a little credit.


Phil
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Helio
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Yeah, as Phil said is seems to part of a bigger stuff...By the way how old was Tracy, huh?
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thegardenstate89
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Phil and Helio for your comments.

Phil- This could be part of something larger but it was written as just an exercise to show a discovery of signifigance to a character. I agree that the introduction to the other two friends is quite lenghty.
And as for Fred being unrealistically oblivious to drinking, I've met some pretty fake people throughout my life. There are tons of kids who lie and make up stuff to impress their friends. Even though they don't need to at all.
If anything the unrealistic thing would be his friends cruelty at the end. Most kid's would laugh laugh silently and then joke about it when he left. To get a room full of confrontational teens is pretty uncommon I admit. But I wrote it that so Fred would make the discovery that people could see through him.

Helio- Tracy was intended to be around 18 or 19. Did my description of her throw you off?
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Helio
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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No, she didn't ,but I love liquor.
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Mr.Z
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed with the readers above. Seems like a scene from a bigger script so I havent't much to comment about the story.

It flowed quite well though, except for the first lines; there's too much description there before the story kicks in.

I would suggest to have one of Fred's friends already waiting at Maria's house, so you have one character less to describe in the opening scene and start things quicker.


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leanordjenkis
Posted: May 5th, 2006, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Same.  Aside from the long intro, I liked it if it was just meant as a character exercise.  Nice dialouge by the way.


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Abe from LA
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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Tony,

It does read like an exercise, something that would work better with more pages.
Do the other characters know Fred is an alcohol virgin?
Is this a setup from the start?

I think it would have read better for me if there was a bit more of Fred in the story.
More of his discomfort.  His unease.  More from his POV.

It might also work better if Fred is new to the group.  Maybe he’s never met the girls and is introduced by Bill and Walter.  And he is attracted to Maria.  Or maybe he wants to look especially cool in front of the girls.

You wrote:    Fred's plastered smile widens and he stares into Maria's heavy eyes.

Perhaps,       Fred fakes a plastered smile as he stares into Maria’s eyes.

This would make it clear that he is trying to fit in.  I don’t think you’d be doing the story any harm by revealing clearly what Fred is doing and his intensions.

How about this: Everybody does a number of Fred by faking him out with the Vodka, then bait him into a game of say, strip poker?  Or something where Fred is forced to perform – and thus,  he has to fake being in a drunken stupor.

Maybe this is meaner than you want to get.  But it would be visually interesting.

Just some things to kick around.  Could be an interesting story, but I think you just gotta gives us more of what’s going on inside of Fred.

lol
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