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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Toothless Dog Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Toothless Dog  (currently 1165 views)
Don
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Toothless Dog by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - Joshua made a mistake when he thought a coin had just one face! 14 pages - pdf, format


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Mr.Z
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Haha! Helio, my crazy Brazilian friend, I enjoyed this one. The story was a little bit silly, but you made it work perfectly, and kept me interested all the way. Good job. You have created your own distinctive style.

I can't think of any relevant suggestions to make, every bit of this little story seemed to work fine. I just got a couple of silly comments.

*SPOILERS*

- Joshua was a very funny prick. Loved many of his lines.
- You named the latino Helio? Ha!
- And the latina chick is "Helia"?! Haha!
- I wonder why Helio didn't mention Pelé to Joshua when talking about his country. An Argentinean would have mentioned Maradona for sure, hehe.

Nothing more to add, thanks for the laugh man.  


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Helio
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Z, it was silly, wasn’t it? Like a toothless dog it doesn’t bite! Hehe

Yeah, “Helio” is a guy very modest, different of his creator: me. If I was him I talked about Pele of course, and about Ronaldinho, and about Ronaldo and Kaka…Oh, I was forgotten to mention Garrincha! Helia was a cute latino woman, wasn’t she?

Thanks, I appreciated your reading!


Soon here on Shorts: "Sunday Morning"
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tomson
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Helio, my Latino friend, or should I say Latina? Haha

Your shorts are getting raunchier and raunchier  with every script. Makes me wonder what the next one will be like. “Down, big boy… all the way…” lol

I liked the title of this one, how can you not?

SPOILERS:
I hated Joshua, but I was supposed to of course.
I liked how you wrote yourself into the script
and how Joshua gets what he deserves in the end.

I found a couple of typos. Give that proof reader of yours a spanking for me for missing these.
Pg1,    park lot – parking lot
           gets out the pick-up – gets out of the…
pg6,    where’s happened to – what's happened to
pg7,    pick-up trick – pick-up truck
pg8,    on the top the night club – on the top of  the night club
pg10,   EXT. THE TOOTHLESS – don’t you mean INT. there?
Pg12,   talks a long slug – takes a long slug
Pg13,   HELIA AND YOUNG GUY – Helia has already changed back to Helio.

BTW, I’m keeping my eye on the soccer World Cup as well and it’s not solely because of Fredrik Ljungberg!
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James McClung
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio (Helia?),

Thought I'd check this out. Your scripts always seem to leave an impression. This was no different. Solid, hilarious story you got here. I really enjoyed Joshua's character. Of course, he's a total ass (he even laughs at his own jokes) but hilarious none the less in how shamelessly vile he is. Things were amusing to start with but the male-to-female switch certainly made things more interesting. I was looking forward to see what would happen next. And, of course, Joshua had to get his. I love how Helio/Helia and the Young Guy were yelling at Joshua to dance. Possibly the highlight of the story for me. All in all, this was a very enjoyable read for me. Nothing really to complain about except for a few formatting issues that Pia's already covered. Excellent job, Helio.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: June 8th, 2006, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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So before I read this, I read the other posters' comments and I was about to come in and tell them to stop picking on Helio and calling him a girl until I read this and...well yeah now I understand.

Anyways, I was very surprised to see that you added yourself in, Helio. I'm always afraid to have myself as one of the characters because...well, I don't know, but I don't like to.

Helia? Hehe that sounds funny!

At the end, the Young Guy's last line, I have a suggestion:

Instead of him saying "When you beat somebody with your baseball bat, make sure it isn't a Devil Latino first, amigo..." You should say "...make sure it isn't a Diablo Latino first, amigo..." because it's like spanish or whatever, just a suggestion, you don't have to take it from me...


And I will make sure I'll read this to my cat and his friends!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

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the goose
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Yippie-kay-ay.

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Haha I just read this. Very random but it worked fairly well and I enjoyed it. Formatting was good and although it shouldn't really have been very believeable it actually worked quite well.


Actor trying to write...

"A good script is never rejected because of layout or lack of technical jargon. If people like it, then any experienced film or TV PA or secretary can lay it out in professional manner and add all the technical terms necessary"

-- Ronald Wolfe "Writing Comedy"

"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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rpedro
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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very funny Helio! Very funny! I liked it!

soft and yet enjoyable!

and what an a** Joshua was!

Boa! Gostei!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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Helio
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey James,  Goose and Sean (I hope your cat and his friends loved it!) Thanks!


Pia will fix the problems soon, thanks for your help, kid.

Hey RPedro! Nice hearing from a brother here in SS! I'll read Hot Road and the Mirror soon. I'm not sure but I read them...!

By the way, RPedro, go to Drama and search for "Oporto's Bride" and "A Útima Sessão" (The last Show). The last one is in Portuguese.
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spencerforhire
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

Good script. Haven't chatted in a while. My creative side is dead. Need beer for a quick revival. Anyway... I digress.

Hmmm. The title? Not sure it works. The story isnt really about a bar... its about a psychotic latino hater and killer. Its about the devil in latino skin. Maybe something like... I dont know... LAST DANCE or LAST CHA CHA or LATINO KILLER.

Your dialog was mui bueno! The descriptions were a bit over written and could be trimmed a bit. Over all one hot latin story.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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rpedro
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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will check them both Helio!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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michel
Posted: June 21st, 2006, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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Hello Helio…

I guess I'm the only one, but sorry about it but I didn't like your script much. The reasons are simple: the atmosphere looks completely like "from dusk to dawn". Your main character is antipathetic and racist. No one can identify himself to him and doesn't give a damn about what could happen to him. I don't think you can build a story with a such character, even a short.

Hope I'll like your next one

Michel


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Helio
Posted: June 21st, 2006, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Michel!

Thanks for reading my script. realy the main character is a crap i agree, I belivie like you many of people here in this SS did not to be identified with him at all and me neither. I loved killed him like that, melted in flames was very nice! That crap derserved that, didn't him?
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