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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Lesson Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Lesson  (currently 733 views)
Don
Posted: June 18th, 2006, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Lesson by Joopdog - Short - A widowed woman waits for her escape from a dead end job. Her escape comes in the form of a CD. Elizabeth Wellington, works for a sleazy business owner. Sleazy business owner Dan Roscoe is on his heels sexually harassing Elizabeth day after day, until Elizabeth receives a CD in Spanish lessons. The CD teaches her Spanish, as a bonus it teaches her the lessons of life. The CD also has a secret about her husbandís death and where the money is. 17 pages - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: June 21st, 2006, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Don't add your own comments to descriptions.  Page 1:  "However, she lives for her kids".  How are the viewers supposed to see that?

Dan's dialogue on pages 2-3 is horrendous; nobody talks like that, not even "a grease sewage from armpit hell" (Note the above criticism; also, descriptions should be direct, not coloquial).

The format for 'CD VOICE' and phone calls is bad.  Should be "(V.O.)".

"The office employees know it's an ugly fake."  But the audience doesn't, so once again cut it.

From a plot perspective, you're drawing out a dull exposition for a short.  A short should be simple, with one plot line.  You've developed several, and have yet to produce an interesting hook.  Also, why does she keep referring to her husband as "my husband"?  I'm assuming he has a name.

Sorry, but I couldn't get farther.  You need serious reivison with this script.  Don't worry though; you've got the format mostly right, and most of your dialogue is realistic.  But you need to either right a full script, or write a short.  This is a short full-script, which doesn't work.


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