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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Mister Big Apple Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mister Big Apple  (currently 1507 views)
Don
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mister Big Apple by Michel J. Duthin - Drama - The year is 1999. A taxidriver is determined to succeed in New York City. At first naive, he soon begins to learn that the exploitation of women and sex give attains quicker results than mere talent and hard work.  This is the adaptation of a 19th century French novel "Bel Ami" by Guy de Maupassant. 124 pages  - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 29th, 2006, 7:33am
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jerdol
Posted: July 4th, 2006, 8:54am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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This is clearly a first draft; I know because the grammatical mistakes are abundant.  Look in the thread in "Screenwriting Class" about first drafts:  I, along with several other reviewers, have agreed that we are sick of people posting first drafts.  You are either too lazy to go over your script, don't care enough about your script to put work into it, or simply expect the reviewers to do all your work for you and point out every error.  Either way, I'm insulted.  The script could concievably be interesting, but if you want people to read it you MUST make our job easy on us.  Remember that reviewers are reading 100+ pages, and analyzing it, for free.

In addition to grammar, you have several structural problems.  You direct WAY too much; cut the whole scene with the credits, and go straight from scene to scene without "CUT TO:" or "DISSOLVE TO:".  Your use of "CONTINUE" baffles me; it's meant when a page breaks a single line of dialogue, not a scene.  You also use parentheticals for short actions; that's play format - in scripts parentheticals are for the tone of the dialogue alone.
Your sluglines are odd.  What does "EXT. STREET - INT. CAB" mean?  It's one or the other.  And you should use commas to elaborate on sluglines, not dashes.

Hope that helps; I look forward to reading your script once it's properly written.


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michel
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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Okay. I'll do a rewrite.

Michel


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