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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Uncle Gaves Moderators: bert
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  Author    Uncle Gaves  (currently 952 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Uncle Gaves by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - A young boy feels his family slipping apart and with the death of his favorite uncle, the family seems even distant. But when his uncle comes back from the dead his family all comes together. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Parker
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel, every time a new batch of shorts are posted... I expect at least one of them is yours. You write so many scripts... and I admire that.

Okay, down to the story. It was a nice little story. It could have been a lot better with a lot more emotion in it but I can tell you it could have been way worse too. There were a few descriptions and dialogue that I didn't really understand. What's a semi? That's what hits the uncles car... what is a semi? I don't know...

The formatting was okay. A few minor spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes you need to fix. Try to proof read your scripts at least the one time... I know you do plenty of shorts but that's no excuse.

Overall, I nice story... it's one of your better one's but if you do a rewrite, I think you can do a lot better. I think you should make this quite an emotional piece, it seemed that was what you were going for anyway. Good work, keep it up.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Shelton
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel,

I think Gravy was being nice and saying you only had a few spelling and grammar mistakes.  I already gave Alien Man crap for this and now it's your turn.  You're sending in 5 scripts at a pop, all of them relatively short, and it's obvious that you're not looking over any of them once they're done because you're sending in typos that even Word can catch.  "Guess" isn't spelled with a q, dude.  Even word knows that, and their proofing is suspect at best.

Just do us a favor and look over these things before submitting them.  I found so many mistakes that they completely took me out of the story and I'm unable to even comment on that aspect.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
Daniel,

I think Gravy was being nice and saying you only had a few spelling and grammar mistakes.  I already gave Alien Man crap for this and now it's your turn.  You're sending in 5 scripts at a pop, all of them relatively short, and it's obvious that you're not looking over any of them once they're done because you're sending in typos that even Word can catch.  "Guess" isn't spelled with a q, dude.  Even word knows that, and their proofing is suspect at best.

Just do us a favor and look over these things before submitting them.  I found so many mistakes that they completely took me out of the story and I'm unable to even comment on that aspect.


Yet another author to add to my list of “unreadable.” This author has been given good advice to improve and listens to none of it. He continues to concentrate on quantity instead of quality and inundates the boards with unproofed “work.”

I can only assume this is yet another writer who thinks his ideas are just so brilliant that everyone is supposed to overlook the numerous spelling and grammar problems. These writers’ ideas are never as brilliant or unique as they think and they don’t improve because they think improvement is irrelevant.

Thanks for saving my valuable time by showing what a waste of time it is to read your work and offer you any suggestions.





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James Fields
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I think Daniel is good at producing ideas, but Breanne is right. Daniel, you need to slow down the number of scripts being posted.

Please listen. To become a better writer, you're going to need to listen to the criticism given to you.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
when his uncle comes back from the dead


Man I was kind of hoping for a zombie short here. Lol. Anyways, on to the review:

Your story is okay, your formatting is all right, but it's the dialogue and spelling I'm having my fits over about. Like Mike said, there are a lot of spelling errors and such, and your dialogue is on the weak side still, but I'm sure you can fix that up. Whenever you write dialogue, say it out loud, and if it sounds weird, change it.

Also, you need to describe more and you forgot some scene changes like when Kyle goes outside, you forget to say: EXT. HOUSE or whatever. Uncle Gaves's death was kind of forced, but I guess that is what the story is about, huh?

But oh well, this was an interesting story.

Sean "the sadist"


MY WEBSITE

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greg
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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All right, rather than dogpiling onto this thread I decided to read this so I can try to offer feedback at the same time.

First off, the idea has no explanation and there's no atmosphere to really care about the characters or what they're doing.  Uncle Gaves dies because a semi is speeding on a neighborhood street and crushes his car.  Okay, I'll go with that.  Then he mysteriously comes back and within seconds him and Kyle are wreaking havoc.  Once 15 year old Kyle comes home, he tells his parents that his Uncle Gaves has come back from the dead.

Basically the only thing going through my mind is "okay..."  There's no real reason to care for what these people are doing or what the outcome of the story is.  Your dialogue and grammar need special attention and I'm not sure if you know that since you're pushing out script after script after script.  You had 6 shorts posted today--all 10 pages or less--and I'm just not seeing an effort level here.  I can see that you're passionate about it, but there's alot of work to be done on virtually all aspects.

I also find it hypocritical that someone can badmouth SS on another forum yet go on to post another 6 shorts the next week.  Charming.


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surferchicky92
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not exacty sure why you called it a "horror" short, it was pretty mis-leading. It's more of a fantasy short. It was cute, there were a lot of grammar errors, though. It probably could've been a lot longer.

Alanah
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Thank you all for the comments. Sometimes when you start writing you don't pay attention to the grammar. But the stories are good, I have done alot of work and if there is a problem with uploading scripts Don wouldn't have uploaded them now would he?

Keep writing.
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Shelton
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
Sometimes when you start writing you don't pay attention to the grammar.


Yeah, but you have the ability to go back and proof it after you're done.  No need to click that submit button the very instant you finish something.


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
I have done alot of work


Not enough.  You seriously need to go back through these when you're done.  A few here and there is ok, but you're just missing obvious stuff here, and like I said, it takes the reader out of the story so much that it's hard to even comment on it.

There's only so much that can be tolerated before a reader starts to skip over your scripts altogether.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

Revision History (1 edits)
Shelton  -  July 22nd, 2006, 9:18pm
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hey Mike,

Thanks for the honesty.

I write in one program and transfer into another.lol  It's a little confusing at times.

Talk to you soon,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Helio
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel, I have be honest with you, this is the only one that has a great potential to be a great script if you denvelop it more.

I don't care about format (it could be fixed later) neither spelling or grammar  because I don't have a command of them, so I care just about story.

If you permit me to say, I think you have great ideas, but unfinished.

Here is a friendly advice: Take more time with your scripts. Be patient is the key to make all things right. You have a time!
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hello All,

Thanks for the comments on this one. I developed a good story line here, and I re-wrote it.

I'll post it soon,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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