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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Unforgiven Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Unforgiven by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When a bunch of killings send police on a search fo the killer they find something that no human would ever want to find. 10 pages - pdf, format


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darthbrion
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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I'm seriously troubled.....

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Okay read your short so let's get to business!

* SPOILERS *

* A few typos here & there nothing to horrible.
* The dialogue felt, I dunno kinda fake to me.
* Why would the kids just suddenly jump to the assumption that there was a serial killer running around?
* I know you'll probably hear this a lot but when doing a story with police and such in it, do some quick research on their procedures.  (Example-they don't broadcast a murder on open airwaves. It's like a "10-54" on channel 10 or even a "187" on police band I think)

Not the worst script I've ever read but not the best either.  A good idea, that just needs some polishing.
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Okay, there's quite a few things wrong with this one.

1) When you introduce a character, you don't put their name in () after the sentence you introduce them in.  Put them in the same sentence.  Such as...

KARL, a thug in a black baggy starter shirt and sagging pants, stands in a huddle with the rest of his gang.

2) The dialogue needs a lot of work, especially when Karl and Mike are talking.  You are trying really  hard to make them sound like gansters by adding slang terms to their dialogue.  Its a good thought but it ends up sounding forced and juvenile.

3) Why does Jaron want to go find the serial killer, while Karl and Mike are scared out of their wits?  And when Jaron is in the house, why is he talking to himself?  These are things that you have to watch out for to make the story believable.

4) Why do Mike and Karl have a police scanner at their house?  This is a little far-fetched.

5) When you change scenery you also have to change your slug lines.  Towards the end you have "INT. POLICE STATION" then you go on to say that there is a chase all the way to the hospital.   If there is a change of scenery you need to express it with a new header.  Also, you need to explain the chase.  Was there a huge car chase to the hospital?  Did the shadow get caught only to escape again?  You can't just say all of this in one simple sentence "they follow it to the hospital..."

Even though there were some problems, this wasn't that bad of a script.  Some of it was actually written pretty well.  Keep up the writing, while being mindful of writing realistic dialogue, and you will keep getting better and better.

T.I.N.


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Thanks everyone.  

I do need to work on dialoge but as far as Jaron... He goes inside to rob the place it says it in the script. Mike and Karl have the scanner because Karl is or was a drug dealer that's in there to.

But thanks for reading them.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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