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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In a Hick Town Moderators: bert
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  Author    In a Hick Town  (currently 2774 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In a Hick Town by Greg B. - Short, Drama, Comedy - Business bum Peter Morris is about to have the ride of his life when visiting his ham hugging hillbilly family in Rockland, Nebraska for a barbeque.  The perfect story for people who drink milk past its expiration date.       A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format


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Don  -  August 23rd, 2006, 10:59am
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greg
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Ha!  This one was pretty gross but I enjoyed it nevertheless.

*I think some of the hillbilly talk is exaggerated, but I guess that goes along with the general theme of the story.
*What's the deal with the roadkill?  Does that symbolize that Peter is too busy to really notice any of that crap?
*Bertha--oooh delicious  
*Peter goes from badmouthing his family to acceptance pretty fast.  I would have added in something to make it more convincing.  Maybe take out the roadkill so there's more room.

So overall, there is drama at the end of a barbeque, so that's good enough for me.  Fun and enjoyable story here!  Solid effort!


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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This one was out there... bizarre... but I kept on reading and wondering what was going to happen next.
I had the feeling that the guy turned around too quickly, and that dialogue was exaggerated, too, but this story was unique, and funny... so...
Good effort,
Cindy
  




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CindyLKeller  -  August 3rd, 2006, 2:27pm
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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First off let me say that I've drank milk past the expiration date numerous times and I'm not a hillbilly!!!

That being said, I really liked this short.  I did feel that it was more of a comedy than a drama, but it was genually funny so I'll forgive you this one time.

I thought it was funny how everyone said Peter's name differently and it seemed that everyone there wanted to hook up with Peter, men and women alike.

Good Job.


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tomson
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good!

Funny in a crazy way. I could picture the whole thing.

SPOILERS:

Story wise I was wondering why Peter would drive all the way from San Francisco all the way to Nebraska to meet these people. That�s a long trip in a car just to meet family he doesn�t really know.

Seems like scussy hicks are always named Earl, haha.

I too think that Peter made a quick turnaround. After that little �game� I would�ve jumped in my car and driven far, far away from there.

The discussion at the end about accepting each other and them thinking there were things wrong with Peter as well, I thought it could�ve been nice if Peter had been gay or something and his relatives would accept and respect him regardless. Showing that they may be disgusting hillbillies, but more open minded than the more sophisticated Peter.

The font of the title is of course wrong, but I�m going to guess that the author did this on purpose.
The format, grammar (as far as I can tell) and spelling is top notch. That�s why I think the title was wrong deliberately. The no holds barred comedy and dialogue reminds me of Singles Camp and my guess is that Breanne wrote this. If not, then my second guess is Abe/Gary.

I�m probably wrong as usual, but that�s my guess.

I relly enjoyed it.  

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CindyLKeller  -  August 4th, 2006, 12:07am
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Parker
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty neat, disturbing and gross at times, but an entertaining story. Of course, it doesn't really fit in with the theme seeing as it's supposed to be at the end of a barbeque not in the middle of one but I didn't care about that when the writing is good like this. All the characters were different, which I loved, Earl probably my favourite... you callin' me a liar? I also really like the radio host guy too.

Fully enjoyable story and humorous at times. Good job anonymous writer!


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darthbrion
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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wow this sounded like something that could have happened from my neck of the woods (Oklahoma)

anyway -

* SPOILERS *

* As many people have already said, the "hick" dialogue was cliche at times but meh.

* Peter did indeed do a fast turn around to accepting his family.  I liked the idea that Pia suggested that maybe Peter have something "off" with him that makes his family think that he's the one that's weird.

* I kept looking for a "Please God, let me be adopted" joke but oh well.

* Toilet in the backyard LOL I've seen people do that....And plant flowers in them.  It's weird.  

* Overall a great read!

Two pig feet up!
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Helio
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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It was a heavy script indeed!

My god, how could I to understand nebraskian?!  Poor Peter travel so far to meet that family. Who is in a sane conscience do that, for god sake?!

I got one thing from this a little exagerated piece: The game! I will play this with my stuning neighbour, Sheila!

good effort!
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James McClung
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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This was a decent read. A little over-the-top for my tastes but decent nevertheless. For the most part, I thought this was going to be a comedy with the sole purpose of poking fun at "hicks." Towards the end, however, the story did a 180 and actually became a drama. It turned out the point of the story was actually much more positive and valuable and the earlier encounters served to strengthen that point. The writing was pretty decent as well.

All in all, this turned out to be much better than I initially thought. I wasn't too into it at first but you were able to redeem yourself at the end. Good job.


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bert
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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This one is kind of amusing.  It certainly had it's moments.  Bertha was funny.  So was the toilet.

But some of the dialogue is indecipherable, and some of the actions unfilmable.  For example, nobody just "props a pig on a barbecue and begins roasting it."  It's a long, involved process -- especially for a hick.

And while I feel quite ridiculous getting caught up in the finer details of hick-dom -- I wonder now if this author is American.  Some of the details are off here.  I don't understand why there are so many newspapers.  Like hicks would get the paper.  You need rusted cars, tires, 50-gallon drums.  Things like that.  And gin?  No, hicks make their own.

There is a message here -- surprisingly -- and it is even a good one.  I do like that about this piece.  Quite a bit, actually.  This message might have been strengthened by a brief montage showing Peter actually getting along with his family.  Hugging Bertha.  Things like that.  The statement that "he recreates with everyone at the party" is not adequate standing alone.

I did enjoy this one, though.  Another comic approach to this, where nobody dies (for a change).  And I am pretty sure I have read this author before.


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George Willson
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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So this wasn't a bad one in the end, though I was worried for awhile. After reading some of the prior comments, I'd like to point out that while I've run across some people here in Oklahoma that might act this way, in my hometown of Broken Arrow, I've never run across anything of the sort. I'm kind of with Pia, though, in that I'd've left as soon as I had my hand commandeered in the month game.

Oh yeah, the liquor that the hicks would have made is called Moonshine and comes out of a still in the backyard that might have a tendency to explode if not done right. How the hell do I know that?

I'm also in agreement that the realization is a little quick in the end, since he's got a lot to overcome, but hey, it was a good short overall. Well done.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Haha this was a great script, and I got a lot of kicks out of it. I probably laughed out loud five or six times. I loved the dialogue and the actions, and most of it disgusted me, but in a humerous way! Like something you'd see from Scary Movie or something, I don't know. But this was really well written, just a couple spelling errors (and not from the hillbillies dialogue), and nice description. Good job!

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Kotton
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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I thought that this story was pretty sick and pretty funny at the same time.

The reason I say sick is, of course because of the two sexually charged family members.I sqiurmed in my seat during the scene where Peter and his Uncle played that game.I guess that means that it was written well because I felt as Peter did, very-very uncomfortable.

One thing that I questioned in this whole piece is the fact that Peter was so amazed or confused as to how his family was acting and how they lived their lives. I came away with the impression that Peter used to live with them or at least in the town. He at the very least has met them before, so why was this so foriegn to him? I know he's been away for what, 15 years, but I still think he would remember. I guess he did, actually at the end and that is why he just surrendered and accepted them.

With that said, I did enjoy it, and being as a hick town resident myself, I'd say " Yee-haw!"

-Kotton


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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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This was a very funny script.  Reminds me of my family

There were some really gross out moments here, but the worst was that game where Peter's got his hand in the guys crotch.

The cousin in her underwear who wants to get all touchy with Peter feely was very humorous in a sick and twisted way.

this was a fun read with some great gross out moments.  Good work


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Mr.Z
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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This author knows what he/she's doing; this was a well written piece.  Some of the humor reminded me of Breanne's entry to the last challenge, but I'm not sure if it's hers. Could be Martin's as well.

More of a comedy than a drama but I enjoyed it a lot.

My only problem has already been mentioned. Peter's change of mind seems too sudden. You had a pretty big message to squeeze into 15 pages in only one week (or less). Not an easy task. The montage suggested by Bert seems like a really good idea if you decide to rewrite this.

Thanks for the laugh.


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